Feeling lost in life (Not sure what suppose to do)

 It's common to feel unsure about what you want to do with your life, and it's okay to take some time to figure it out. Here are some steps you can take to gain clarity:

Self-reflection: Spend some time thinking about your interests, strengths, values, and passions. What activities do you enjoy? What do you excel at? What is important to you? What motivates you?

Explore: Look into different career paths, hobbies, and volunteer opportunities that align with your interests and values. This can help you discover new passions and give you a better sense of what you enjoy doing.

Experiment: Try out different things to gain practical experience and test your interests. You could take courses, internships, shadowing or even take a gap year to travel and explore.

Talk to others: Seek advice and guidance from people you respect and trust, such as family, friends, mentors or career counselors. They may have insights or perspectives that can help you better understand yourself and your options.

Remember that finding your path is a journey, not a destination. It's okay to make mistakes or change directions along the way. What's important is that you stay curious, open-minded, and willing to take action towards your goals.

My life sucks sometimes

My life sucks and I cannot do anything to change it due to being sick and I hate it! I can never do any of the things I want to do. I cannot find a job, I cannot work, I stay in pain and now I am throwing up and drained.

 I am tired of believing that something is going to work out when it feels like for the past 8 years it is not. It is like all my hopes and dreams flopped no matter how hard I chased them. My blogs hardly gets views and it doesn't matter what I write about. 

The YouTube was at 93 subs then dropped and then went back to 90 subs but to get partnered its 1000 watch hours. The twitch hardly ever gets any views and barely gets subs, cheers or bits. I basically tried everything I can to get somewhere in life but being sick is finally taking a toll and pushing everything and stressing me to the point. 

I tell my husband all of this asking what are we going to do and all he says is he will figure it out and basically does nothing to help comfort or even bother until I start crying and fussing and yelling and it has been 8 years and months and months and now I am sick... and it is like he does the bare minimum and I am oh so tired of it.

I wanted a home of our own, we didn't get that. I wanted to take zoo trips, beach trips, travel with the kids, make memories and we don't even do that. This is not the life I expected to be living at the age of 26. 

I had so much more that I wanted to do but all I get is an I will work on it, I will find something, I will figure it out. It has been 8 years, I asked you to do something months ago and you still haven't done it.  I am honestly tired of expecting you to do something and won't do it.

 I am tired of being sick and having to depend on you to do things just for it not to be done.

I made myself so many promises that I basically broke them all. 

The links to twitch, youtube, etc

Abandonment feeling by family

The abandoned feeling comes from many different ways and family is included. It is like my mother only cares about my little brothers accomplishments. 

I graduated college and got my certificate she only tells me she's proud of me but my brother graduates and she's posting it all over Facebook. I just don't get it. 

They never come to see me, it is always me to go see them. They never ask me how I am, they don't even talk to me unless it's someone dies. They don't come see their grandkids it's me always taking them to see them. 

It's like I don't even matter to them. They don't care about me until something major happens to me and then they probably won't care then. 

It's the alone feeling I get the feeling of abandonment. The feeling of none of my accomplishments matter to them. 

Most days I feel like I am dying and I never even bother telling them. No point in it. Every time I come around it's like job and work and everyone else tells things that they are doing but no one cares about me it feels like and it sucks. They act like I haven't been looking for work or jobs but with my health no one will hire me.

They were right, people pick and choose who there favorites are, I guess that is the reason I'm the black sheep of the family.

 When I get my degree, I'm not even going to bother telling them. When I buy my first home, I'm not even gonna bother telling them, no point in it. 

They rather hang out with my old friend from high school and her parents instead of me so be it.

I didn't realize that when I grew up, I would be alone... 

We would get made fun of and threatened if we did wrong, we got made fun of from our weight in which it isn't our fault. Growing up wasn't the greatest, I would stick to myself and not bother, pretend I wasn't there stayed in my room cause I didn't feel like I was welcomed...

They would never take us to the beach, they would always drop us off at our aunts so they could go to the beach with my fathers parents every year for my parents anniversary but claim they would take us. My bother went to the beaches and other trips with his friends.

 I went to the beach back in like 2017 for the first time before I got married. They never took us anywhere really. We never went to the zoo, never went to Carowinds or an amusement park, it was we never really went anywhere and it sucks, we never spent time with them at all. The first time ever I went to Carowinds was on a school field trip in middle school and that was it. 

I don't have any trips with family to remember, I don't have time with family to cherish all I have is sadness and misery due to they never really done anything with us.

 It is like I missed out while others were able to go out and have fun and go to different places and now, that I am older, I want to take my kids out and I want to show them things I never got to do. 

So I am becoming the person that I needed when I was growing up. 

Also want you to know, that abandonment feeling will never go away. The feeling of being alone will never go away. Does not matter if you're married, have friends, or have a partner, you will just have to cope with it and find away because no matter how many people there are around you, you will always feel alone. 

You are never alone with me. I love you! 

https://ko-fi.com/post/Abandonment-feeling-by-family-N4N2H4MWE

Marriage and relationships

 

Marriage and relationships are commitment. It is loving each other unconditionally through the ups and downs. It is being there for one another when things are not looking up and helping them. It is not a one sided thing. It is 50/50. Their problems are your problems and your problems are theirs. 

If you are not ready for commitment and helping each other of if you are to busy to notice when the other person needs you and is struggling while you are out doing your own thing, let the person go. It is not worth them wasting their time, love, care and drowning in issues expecting you to come along and help them when in actuality you're not going to. 

If someone else has your attention let the person you are holding on to go so that they can find someone that is for them instead of being led on thinking that you actually want them and want to spend your life with them. 

People who genuinely cares and loves you ends up planning their whole life with you. They want to experience it all with you but if you don't want to spend your life with them and be everything they need in life and all you do make excuses all the time, blame, assume accuse them and make them feel less than a person, you don't deserve them and they do not deserve the treatment that you put them through. 

They deserve better, they deserve to be loved and be cherished. They do not deserve to suffer from you because you aren't ready. They do not deserve to be broken because you are broken, have trust issues, jealousy, narcist, Stockholm syndrome, have been called out and confronted because you are doing things that they know you are doing but you are trying to pretend you're not doing it and try to make it seem like the person is crazy and keep throwing off on them because you do not want to admit the truth.

 Gut feelings never lie. Trust me, we can tell when something isn't right and things are off. 

Sometimes we just let it go until we can no longer take it and other times we try to handle it right on the spot. Just sit back and watch, karma is quick. 

No longer happy...

 I am no longer happy in my life. I am no longer happy nor excited with the things that use to excite me and make me happy.

I cannot even fake it like I am anymore. I'm so exhausted and stressed that I'm tired. I have been looking for jobs trying to do everything I can from blogging, affiliate marketing and so much more.

 I exhausted myself helping others that I no longer want to help anyone. I no longer sleep at night because all the anxiety that I feel happens the most when I try to lay down and rest. The thoughts are horrible, the panic attacks suck and the seizures are the worst.

I graduated college, a course that I pushed myself though to get a certificate that I have to take a big test for but if I complete the degree program I won't so I decided to go back to get the Bachelor degree hoping something comes from it.

I watch my dreams fall apart and never come true really. I thought I would own a home, have some land and possibly have a little farm but no it hasn't happened yet. I also wanted to travel around and visit places but no, that doesn't look like it is ever gonna happen.

We are in a three bedroom rental and there are 6 of us living in it. I'm not complaining about it as long as we have a roof over our head but I was promised we would move and never did. 

I'm just tired of the false promises that you gave me. I'm tired of you saying your going to do something and you don't at all. I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of it all. 

I'm tired of the back and forth me explaining everything how I feel, what I feel and nothing gets done about it. I am tired of the yelling, I am tired of the arguments. I am tired of it all.. My mental health is no longer worth putting myself though this. 

Some how, I will change this. Some how I will change it all and become better and do better. 

My life update...

 I am in college for medical coding and billing. I am graduating in November 7th. I am then going back for medical administration whenever this term ends my new term begins. I also support streamers and those trying to achieve their goals and dreams.

 I am a mom, and a wife but I am so tired to the point I am burning myself out. I am drained, my PCOS is acting up really bad and its to the point that it is both sides that is hurting me and causing me pain. It is also burning. 

My plans are to finish my certificate and then go out into the field to work since this would be my first actual job ever just so that I can support my family but I feel like it will be to much on me and a toll on my mental I will not be able to pass the NHA test. 

I actually no longer sleep at night due to having insomnia and when I go to sleep, I do not stay asleep. I am so tired and so drained that maybe soon I can get back on my feet and able to do the things I want and need to do. 

I no longer have an income from affiliate marketing and no matter how hard I push and promote nothing is coming from it and it sucks. I have been stressing ever since September but it is doing no good. I even explained how I was feeling since birthdays and Christmas is coming up but what is the point. 

He had been accepted to 2 job but yet he decided to wait for the other one and then things happen and now we are just sitting ducks again. Because he is now waiting on it to refresh contracts which sucks. 

I would like to also say we have covid for the 4th time this year... 

Check out my blog where I use to make it with affiliate links from reviews. 

Check out the gaming blog 

Twitch affiliate check out my gaming 

My ko-fi 

 

Tired of living the same way

 I am tired of living the same way for about 7 years. I thought things would be better, I thought we would of gotten our own place and out of the rental but that has not happened. I not complaining about it it is better than nothing but you said we would have a place of our own.

  You even said things would be better and we would of gotten our own place but no we didn't. 

 I have continuously buss my butt with affiliate marketing and trying to make it but it is no longer working. Things have slowed down, even though I am with well over 50 different companies. I does not matter what I do nothing seems to be working. 

Christmas and birthday are on its way and the only way I feel we will get by is with my school refund. The school refunds that have gotten us this far. I transferred to a different school and now I get one if I even get one every semester which is like 4 months when and then I don't even get one. I got one in February when I started and one in May and nothing now. 

I am so tired of going through this. I even share the hell out of my stuff trying to get people to buy, I am always open about things and never lied to anyone but no you can't trust anyone online but yet these big creators are asking for money and they are willingly giving it to them. 

I am just so exhausted of this and I want a change. I feel like you don't keep your word and I have to keep forcing and pushing and reminding you but I am honestly tired of this constantly. I am tired of the saying one thing but doing another or not doing it at all until I bring it up again. 

I am so tired of this. I am tired of the constant worrying and the burnt out feeling that I have. I am tired of you saying oh your going to help me write the blogs and do things when in actuality it is me still doing it and working on everything by myself. You get upset or mad and or jealous of people that comes around and you always think I want to be with them and or leaving and I am so sick of it. The repeated questions I am also tired of them. 7 years I have stayed by your side through this... I am tired of having to find up money to afford things. 

I am tired of having to figure everything else. I ask to you multiple times to do something and it's like you won't. I want to go on a nice date, I want to be able to not have to worry about money and if the bills are going to be paid and if we are going to be able to afford things.  I am tired and burning out. I don't even want to do this anymore.

Check out the other blogs, if you buy anything from the side panels and or links it will help me out since Christmas and birthdays are coming. I also have ko-fi for this page and the gaming one. 

Ko-fi for lovely writes 

Gaming blog       Gaming ko-f here    Twitch here   YouTube here 

Adultnoveltys 18+ blog 

throsmoke blog   

Something I would of told me younger self

The things that I would tell my younger self if I could is that those you call your friends are really not your friends. They were only using you to get things because they wanted to and you where an easy target and really to nice and always wanted to help them. 

Be careful who you trust because not everyone should be trusted. Those who you hung out with were never your friend, and you should not trust them. Friends are the kind of people you can call on when you need help, those were not. 

Do not focus on things because stress is real and it does not matter. Take things one day at a time. 

Life is never easy, it is filled with ups and downs and you won't figure it all out but you have to figure out things on the way. 

Not everyone is going to be real and tell you the truth. 

People are going to be mean and judge you, just ignore them because karma will get to them.

Do not brag about anything you have because it can be gone. 

Don't tell anyone anything because it is not their business. 

If you make it be silent about it, things can happen.

People do not want to see you do well and they will do all kinds of things to ruin you.

Watch who you give your love to, you may end up regretting them. 

Affiliate marketing jobs are not what they use to be, make plans and have back up so you won't be doing what you are doing now and trying to make it and push to make money. 

No one really trusts anyone so, be cautious, and don't get upset or mad when your stores and stuff start decreasing and you stop making money. 

Blogging is okay, you just won't get adsense on it. 

You can keep writing from the heart but people will not care about you.

You can keep helping people but don't expect anything from them.

Don't tread life lightly because things are not always what they seem and where you are is not permanent. You can control your life and how it goes. 

Struggling with mental health

 I personally have been struggling with my mental health for years. Growing up was not so easy for me. I was bullied for the way that I was, I was bullied for the clothes that I wore, the way I looked, my size and so much more. It gotten to the point I no longer wanted to go to school and I would fight with my mother when all she wanted was the best for me.

 I didn't want to open up to anyone because they would make fun of me more and laugh and judge me for getting help.

I became suicidal and never really bothered anyone. I did not really have friends and no one seemed to really care about me throughout school. I was like an outcast. I wanted to go to therapy and talk to people about it but we could not afford it so I decided to take up writing and that is how I got to where I am today. 

People would use me and get what they wanted and never talk to me and that is kind of what it is like now. I do not talk to anyone and I stay to myself. 

Truthfully, I hated how I treated her and I treat her so much better now. I personally understood where she was coming from. She was raised from a somewhat broken home. 

Her mother did not show her love like a child should be loved and her father basically was always about his money. Her mother and father would fight like cats and dogs and she dropped out of high school cause they always moved. She then moved in with her grandmother and her grandmother raised her the best she could. 

My mother then became the parent that she needed growing up and she understood a lot of things. 

Mt father which him and my mother have been married for 24 years now. They got married a year before I was born. 

My father, had a rough life which hints at abuse but never would fully state. He came from a home where things were not fair. He always talks about the olden days where the kids where always last and the adults would eat before them. He talks about remembering where when it was his time to eat, they had skimmed over food and sometimes they have food that was put back and some had bite marks in it.

His mother, was never really there his father was in the military and basically he wasn't home. He was raised by his grandmother and his grandmother and his uncle's raised him well although his uncle's were drunks and his grandpa made moonshine.

 He is the type to give the shirt off his back. He is a hard working honest man. He has rough edges that this life has given him but once you get past that you can truly see him for who he is besides this rough person who he presents himself as. He is a hard person sometimes but that's how life built him.

But, somewhere down the line  him and his mom made a bond that was unbreakable. His mom was closer to him than his dad and I completely understood. His mom was the person everyone needed in their life. His dad was a quiet type around people and it's like something along the lines causes him issues.

His teenage and early adult years were rocky but I understand. He made a lot of mistakes in life and he's always speaking about them and always talking about knowledge. He is a wise man and someone everyone would like to have in their life. 

Raising me for sure was not easy for them and I know but they did it. There was times we were struggling and couldn't really get any help had issues getting food sometimes due to they made to much for assistance and couldn't pay the bills at times which life happens.

Both parents have been there for their family through everything. They are giving the love that they did not have as a kid growing up and I personally love it.

I now as an mother, a wife have been diagnosed with PCOS, anxiety, depression and I self diagnosed for autism in which we all suspected it was there and now I know where the kids got it from which is okay with me. 

The whole point besides giving you background of my family is to let you know it comes from somewhere and starts somewhere even if you do not realize it. Everyone struggles with it and do not be afraid to reach out. Reaching out can help you more than you know. 

Never feel ashamed to get help. If someone judges you don't worry about them because life is never easy and karma is real. 

Temporary people

 I no longer have time for temporary people in my life. I no longer care for those who I use to care for. I quit loving those who basically used me and were never there when I needed them. I have no more time for trying to help people get it together nor time to wait and keep telling a person how to get it together and telling them to do right more than once. I am no longer expecting people to be genuine people and truthful anymore.

 I found out the guy that I was with, was basically hiding his "ex" and was playing us both. He was not being as truthful as he was saying he was. Every time she would come online I could tell a difference that he was entertaining and talking to other people when he said he was not. I found her steam... I found her on his profile. 

She put her name as something she goes by and I found it. We were suppose to play grounded together but he basically ignored me and I went to his profile and through his friends because I had a gut wrenching feeling and poof she was on. 

The person he said he didn't talk to but them came up saying they do talk every other month or so but when he is talking to her, you can tell the difference and then it feels like I have became the second opinion. 

Besides bring her up multiple times, and he just brushing it off and ignoring me until last night and then he was like its not my fault you guys don't like each other and I told him yeah cause you turned us against each other and then I deleted him. 

He then texted me a gif calling me an idiot sandwich and I told him cool I really don't care goodbye and then I came back with the I'm blocking your number so I can move on because after the two years it is not worth it anymore tbh and I blocked it. 

I blocked it because, I do not have time to waist and to give to those that I have to beg to talk to, spend time with me and so much more. I blocked it so I could have peace and to find myself. He showed me multiple times he was not loyal, truthful and trustworthy so I decided to end it. 

I have been named called, bullied, lied to, assumed on, blamed, and so much more that it started to attack my mental health to the point, I did not even care anymore. I lost all the love and care I had for him because all he did was make excuses on why he could not call, send photos or anything. The back and forth, the begging him to do right and be honest took a toll on me and I decided to just leave and not come back because he was only a temporary person since he kept leaving all the time anyways and gave excuses and reasons on why he left and could not act right like a boyfriend and every time we got into it he would say he was being accused and blamed for being a bad boyfriend and it wasn't worth it anymore. 

 He also said my dreams, I would never get there and I got farther than he thought I would. 

Narcissist Toxic Love

 Sometimes it is best to let a person go to regain yourself. To heal yourself from all the trauma that they caused and everything that you have been going through. 

They showed you how they are, they showed their motives, who they are, what they do. They showed how they hurt you and can flip the script to become the victim and blame you for everything and came up with excuses and reasons and lies trying to trap you and control you. 

They even brought up being suicidal and going to end it multiple times if you leave. They even leave and tell you they didn't leave but you know they did. They lie about everything and could even be cheating on you and you would never know.

 This is guilt tripping trying to keep you in a place where you don't want to be but you stay because you are scared. Don't be scared. Leave them because it is not worth it. 

This type of relationship and people are toxic. They depend on you and make you miserable trying to stay and keep them happy all while they are trying to control, manipulate and use you. They don't care as long as you keep giving.

 They will also throw up they love you, they care about you in reality they don't care about you only what you can do for them. 

They will also say you don't care and love them once you catch on and realize how they are doing you. This is what narcissist behavior is. This is abuse to you, your love and time. Don't think you can fix them because you cannot. They will only hurt you and tear you down and rebuild you to the way they want you to be. 

And if you think your stupid for loving a person like this. You are not. You are brave for trying but it's time for you to heal and grow. 

Give yourself time, care, and love and heal yourself from it all. Your going to be working on soul work that comes from the core but to do this you have to get rid of the negative people and things in life and surround yourself with positive. 

People will only do what you allow so be careful.

Meditation and healing to all. 

 

What ever you do

 Whatever you do in life you have to be passionate about. You have to be confident in it. Do something that you love to do. You cannot do it for money or the fame behind it you just have to do it because you love it. Money will eventually start coming in. Do not give up and do not get discourage. Hard work pays off in the long run and it never goes unnoticed. Everyone just have a certain time to bloom and blossom so it can take a while. 

Sometimes life will not give you everything you want it will only give you what you need. 

Student loan debt

They are talking about canceling student loan debt from $10,000 to $20,000 and I feel that would be a great thing. I say this because not only do I owe $35,000+ dollars but with a family and trying to live and trying to find a stable job or some kind of better income and wanting to continue my dreams and get my degree eventually it's hard.

I couldn't even get my transcript from one university due to I owe them $3,750 for classes I told them to drop me from but they refused to they ended up sending that bill to a collection agency because they sent my Financial aid back to the government. The collection agency in which I paid a little on when I could pay it sent the collection bill back to the school due to I didn't answer their calls and I even told them my situation on why I couldn't pay it. I then ended up switch schools without my transcripts and I still don't have them and probably never will. It would be nice to have it though. 

 Life is hard living with minimum wage and not getting paid due to commission based jobs and struggling to survive it's hard. It is hard as an affiliate marketer.

 I know others owe it also and cannot pay it off due to living day to day and getting pay check to paycheck. In my opinion just like elementary, middle and high school, higher education should be free. 

I don't think it's right making people pay for higher education. They say you can pay it off within 6 months after finishing but most people cannot land a job in the career path that they went to college for. 

Some people are paying the bare minimum and some people cannot afford to even pay the other bills and make sure the house is taken care of and it sucks. 

If you cannot pay for it. It will go to an collections even though they say it won't. It will and then it will drop and lower your credit score. 

College is a good thing and all but sometimes people who work so hard for their degree doesn't go into the job career they studied for. They have to work some kind of low minimum wage job and that's not right.

 They basically paid and are paying all that money for college and not even using their degree but trying to make it. I hope they make it and get everything that they were after. 

Life is not fair, people aren't fair. This debt that people get into trying to get a better life is definitely not fair so let's end and cancel student debt.

Trying to make a living

Blogging makes you nothing. It does not matter how many times people say blogs can make you money they cannot.

 If you have certain content on your blogs you cannot get adsense and there for you will be just like me affiliate marketing trying to make it and affiliate marketing does not make you money either. 

You will get commission percentage on what a person buys if they even bother buying which most time they do not. I have ran blogs from 2016 to now trying to get adsense or even trying to make a living but now it's impossible.

 When trying to get people to the blogs it's hard you have to use tags, labels, keywords and use catchy photos and titles not counting the SEO to get the viewers attention to try and make them click it. 

You have to be interesting with the topic and you will have to share and promote it on your own. It is not gonna be easy.

I am giving up working with many affiliate companies because they don't make anything for me really and I get tired of using them. I have been trying since I started blogging and it's just a headache now. 

I did all this trying to get a stable income for my family since I am a SAHM with kids who have autism. 

I also suffer from PCOS, severe anxiety and writing has always been something I wanted to do besides take photos of nature photography.

 I have put in for multiple jobs after jobs and it's like no one is calling nor wanting to hire. 

I make vinyl cut outs that can go basically anywhere and no one wants them. I have them listed on my own site and I share it out. 

I also have a ko-fi for this blog and a Tumblr that allows people to tip me.

I have a gaming YouTube and twitch. The twitch is affiliate but due to no views I quit streaming and I can't get the YouTube to partner due to needing 1000 subscribers and 4000 watch hours. 

My YouTube is here 

My Kofi

My Tumblr 

Twitch- name changing soon 

Store - more coming soon  

My cashapp 

My gaming PC reviews and more  

Adult novelty blog - I make 5% of purchase bought if use code 215U to get 15% off.

Amazon affiliate link- use this link to buy I get 5% or so of each sale.

Depression

 Depression can be so bad that no one can notice until it is to late. You wouldn't know if someone is suffering from depression unless someone tell you. Depressed people such as myself can pretty much mask it and pretend everything is okay when it's totally not and no one will ever know unless they are around you for long periods of time.

 People don't realize that depression can come from just about anything in life from the way a person lives, jobs, not reaching goals and dreams, and pretty much anything that doesn't make the person happy. It could even be the people around you that has brought you down and made you not believe in yourself or they reached their goals and brag about it. 

It is more than just sadness. It is anger that is built up inside from feeling like you have failed and failed so many times and you feel like your not going to make it and you don't want to make it anymore you just want everything to end since you feel like a failure. It's not eating much, not showering, not cleaning, not doing anything you enjoy just laying in bed all day feeling worthless.

Depression is real and it sucks. I say this because one minute your fine and happy the next your sad and depressed trying to figure out what went wrong and over thinking the whole thing causing so much issues that it's just crushing you and you feel yourself lost and wondering. 

It can get to the point of you feeling so along that you just want to end it. You feel like nothing good is going to happen but good things do happen you just have to hang on and be hopeful.

People don't understand. They only start to worry when you go missing and not returning the calls and not there anymore. That's when they start to worry. 

Check on your friends. Most of us are not okay and only saying we are while battling depression so no one worries.

Applying to job after job after job trying to make better of the life we leave but only getting shut down and no call backs and no interviews. Don't give up, it will all come together eventually you just have to hold on.

Loving someone but they treat you so horribly, telling you one thing but lying the next and you whole heartily love them and want to be with them but they only use you until you feel like you are nothing and worthless.

Trying to open up to friends and family but they don't care. They tell you it's life and get over it until one day your over life and no longer here is when they ask why didn't they talk to me or us? Why did they do it? Why did they leave us? But when you tried to talk to them they shoved you off.

Ways to help this is remove negative people in your life. The ones that are always shooting you down and not believing in you. You have to believe in yourself sometimes and give yourself the support that you need cause people out here are not your friends and only want what they can get from you and it doesn't matter how you feel or what you tell them. You have to burn a bridge and careful of the company you keep. Don't tell everyone everything cause they will use it against you.

Give yourself a mental break and take a break from everything that's troubling you and rest. Self care and love is the best of care and love. 

And if you don't feel loved. I love you.

Mentally drained, physically drained

 Ever feel like your alone? Ever feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you have to do everything since others and family are not doing what they said they would or you feel like your repeating yourself over and over trying to get help but they aren't helping you and doing things their way when your telling them what needs to be done and what is causing you stress. Yes I am currently in that state. I am mentally drained and physically drained. 

I suffer from anxiety and lots of it and it feels like the weight of everything is on me. I am trying so hard daily to keep it all together but juggling life, trying to find remote work, trying to sell my vinyl stickers and decals, trying to get YouTube up or something to support my family all while trying to juggle college and make sure things are going smoothly in the only place that was suppose to give peace but it's not. I have felt this way for the last five years and it's only getting worst. I have openly expressed myself of what could help but it's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I have wore myself down to the point I'm exhausted to the point I don't sleep at night and sleep a little during the day.

I'm the one writing all the blog posts that can't get AdSense due to one is adult content and it ruined my other blogs from getting it. I'm filling out job application for remote jobs since being an affiliate marketer isn't paying the bills. I am trying to help myself since all I have been doing is putting others first and their needs. 

I cared way to much for others when all they did was use me to the point I don't want to help anyone anymore. It's to the point my circle was small but it's even smaller now since I'm getting rid of the negativity and those that just want to take and take and take and use and use and use. I noticed a lot more positivity coming from it but I have a big heart and it hurts but I had to do what I had to to get my happiness and peace back. 

I am applying to jobs daily monthly weekly, trying to find something but its like no one is hiring and wants to hire. It is getting exhausting trying to find work especially something I can do remotely since I have kids and its not easy since most remote jobs are phone jobs. 

I also suffer from PCOS and that sucks. It causes more anxiety and depression. It causes pain and makes you feel alone. It causes hormone imbalance and can make you flip on everyone over nothing. They won't do anything but give birth control to counter act it something that can end up causing more anxiety and depression. I don't want anymore anxiety. I don't want anymore depression. I want to be at peace. I don't want to suffer anymore. 

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Life stressing you out?

 Are you stressed about life and don't know what else to do? I might have a solution for you. You can sit back and just look around you and relax. You can take 5 minutes-1 hour a day do whatever hobby you enjoy to unwind from your stressful day or you can go by your local Walmart and go into the vitamin section  and get you something called Stress relief by health and habit. I absolutely enjoy the way it just pulls my stress and anxiety and depression from me and the best thing is you can take up to two capsules a day. 

With PCOS I was having severe anxiety and stressing over everything since my hormones are imbalanced and all they were going to do was put me on birth control and possibly antidepressants not help me the way I though they would since they did not even actually check if the cyst is okay but due to heavy bleeding she just marked it as everything and stable when it really no longer feels like it and its hurting me in my groin area again and pushing down making my pelvic hurt to walk. The stress relief helped. 

 

Careful of the company you keep...

Sometimes you have to get out of your feelings to make decisions that are best for you. If you are in your feelings then you would be doing what your heart wants and not what is best for you. Having a big heart and wanting to help everyone can be crucial due to you personally cannot please everyone no matter how hard you try. You will end up wearing yourself down trying to be there for people who are partly or never there for you or do not even care at all. 

Some people are not your friends and will use you for things that you can do for them and not even bother helping you. I have been there, I have a heart of gold trying to help people and be there for people just because I know what it is like to not have any help and then they basically used me, manipulated me and so much more. They made it seem and feel like they are the only ones that was there for me, that no one else wanted to be there and then they turned around and left. I basically ended all contact with them and basically got rid of the toxic and worked on trying to heal myself. 

They make it so that you are only there for them and while they only want you there when they need you and then they wear you down, making it difficult to see and basically manipulating you so that you can keep doing what they want or need you to do by using any and everything they can. They will use what you have told them and basically use it against you jus to keep you there to say and say on the edge so that way they can have you all to themselves and it's just an toxic environment and it will end up causing problems. 

I was basically a listening ear, giving them tips, advice and always there when they needed a help up. I always basically put people first and always try to help them, give them love that they are needing all while they don't even bother to make sure I was okay.  I am currently working on myself and putting myself first instead of letting my heart get in the way and get broken or hurt. 

I was there through all the disrespect while being faithful and loyal and still trying to help them even through they used me as a door mat and walked over me and said hurtful things which I didn't let it get to me as much but it sure did hurt but I never showed it. 

I am doing what is best for me and not helping as many people and removing the negative people and those I outgrew out of my circle which was small to begin with and replacing them with people who are for me.

Outgrowing people is thinking differently and being on a different level and changing. You change the way you think and the way you do things while everyone around you stay the same. Once you start changing you can see how others change and see the difference. You can even talk to them about an idea and business plan and that allows you to see where they stand. Don't give up even if they tell you, "you won't make it." "It will fail." "It's not going to happen." Even if it doesn't make it and does fail at least you tried. Take that and grow from it. If you feel it isn't going the way you want it to then change it plan differently and plan accordingly.

But then again don't tell anyone your plan and never let them know your next move. They will only hate on it and try to use it for themselves. They will envy you regardless even if you make it because you are no longer there for their access for them to keep draining you and using you and keeping you where they want you. 

You can go with what your heart says but also go with what your brain says. If your heart does the thinking, it can cause so much on you to the point you won't do what is best you will end up still trying to help those and cater to those who basically will use you up and take everything from you including your energy. 

If you are tired of it, trust me I know you will eventually cause not everyone can keep dealing with it. You want to grow but it seems like you are stuck and by getting rid of the negative person in your life things around you will start changing and things will get better. Your mind set will be differently and it gets better. 

It will hurt for a little while but surrounding yourself with those who want to see you win and are there when you need them are the true meaning of friends. Those are the people you need in your life not someone who basically leeches your energy off of you to the point you are so drained you cannot do anything else and you are trying to change but can't. 

You have to cut them kinds of people off because they aren't helping you grow. They are basically making it so that you cannot grow into the person you want to be and staying around them will end up making you a cold hearted and heartless person and not want to help anyone else. So careful of the company keep since not all company is good company. 

Also if you are looking for love, the same rules apply. Don't just get with someone you have to be sure you can grow with them and they want to grow with you. Can't be in a one sided relationship expecting things to work cause it's not going to. A relationship takes two people to grow, put trust in and be able to talk to each other through it all and be there and if you are there but the other person isn't then its not a relationship.

Warrior

 There's a warrior inside of you. Look at all the obstacles you have over came. Look at all the things you went through that have made you stronger. You at how many times you wanted to give up but that wasn't an option for you. You made it through your struggles, your tough times. You changed your life around and made yourself stronger to fight and go head and head against anything thrown your way. 

People judging you because they don't know you, they don't know your struggles, your battles, your war. They only judging you based off what they heard and your character and what they see but they don't know you. 

They don't see what you fight against daily. They don't know how bad you want to give up but don't. They don't see anything but only what they want to see. They are to quick to judge to quick to spread rumors and lies they heard.

But they don't see how far you came. They don't know the truama you endorsed or what happened to you. Sometimes they won't even understand and that's okay cause they aren't meant to. It's not their life, their journey but it's yours. 

No matter how hard it gets don't give up. You are chosen for this battle because no one else could handle it like you can. 

If you haven't heard this in a while, just know I genuinely mean it. I am so proud of you of how far you came and what you overcame and I love you. Do not give up. You have the power to get through everything. 

The scars, the wounds you have will tell your story, everything is what molded you into the person you are today and are going to be.

The Weeping poem

She sits on her window seal trying to cope with things

Her life feels as it is all over as her heart beats in pain

The lies that has been told has broken each and every string

She has tried to cope and cope and cope again and again and again 

There is nothing that will fix her heart broken strings 

So she sits against the window pane trying to clear it all

there is a bottle sitting beside her and she knocks it right off

It falls almost 5 stories down and smashes when it hit the ground

She turns around and there was a bright light beaming down

Lots of commotions happening all around 

People running and screaming “CAN WE GET SOME HELP!!” 

There is one thing I didn’t tell you during this 

She was already dead.