GOUT with one kidney

If you do not know, my husband only has one kidney which puts him around stage 2-3 kidney disease and let me tell you what. Gout is no joke. If you do not know what gout is, it is where your uric acid and crystals cannot escape the body because your body cannot get rid of it and it attacks your joints causing you pain the the point you cannot even more or anything.


Everything hurts and it makes life difficult. It can attack the hands, knees, ankles, toes, fingers, knuckles, elbows, ribs, back, arms, legs, pretty much anywhere it can get into and it will put you down.

With gout, you get these things called Tophi's which are the gout crystals coming to the surface of your skin and
you can see them. They look like white blisters however, they can pop randomly if you knock it onto something and the one thing they are prone to doing is becoming infected and draining.


Gout is nothing to play with. One day you are feeling fine and able to move and walk, the next, you are down in so much pain you cannot handle it begging for relief.

They switched my husband's Allopurinol and it made everything worst. They bumped him up to 300 and his flare ups have been much worst but once he stopped taking them it got a little bit better. He is also on Colchicine everyday because nothing is helping it. He is also on prednisone daily and a few other medications but none of it is really helping.

They are trying to get him approved for Krystexxa through insurance which is an infusion that helps break down and clear out the uric acid but it is a major fight with them and keep getting denied.

This pretty much will give his life back but the thing is with this is that they give you a steroid and allergy medications every treatment to help your body fight it. Not only that it is every two weeks you have to go through it.

We have learned that fish and seafood is not your friend along with a lot of other foods. Tart of Cherry can help with it also and that black walnut can help it also. Be sure to keep things like Nerve which is a roll on tincture oh an supposedly anything with cayenne pepper tincture can help also.

Heating pad is your friend so is elevation. Ice can cause a lot more pain and be sure take it easy and rest. Oh and things that support you such as a a bed rail that can help you sit up, some kind of urinal because getting up to go to the bathroom is sometimes difficult some kind of wide toed shoe, and a shoe that is easy to get on and off.

Be sure to stay hydrated because uric acid leaves through peeing so body armors and water and green tea is good for this.

You also may need help so be sure to reach out when you need it and make sure you have a good support system.

I'm always have to be the runner to help because he can't do it and he needs to eat and he needs his urinal cleaned. His flare ups last a few days to a week or two and then he is good for a while and then he is back down about a month or 2 later.

Flare ups are nothing to play with and they can put a person down for days at a time.

Also let me say, disability is hard to get but he qualifies for it but he is still working trying to make ends meet since bills never stops because it takes up to 3 months for him to start receiving.

It's came back...Sick again

 The pain, the nausea, the vomiting, the diarrhea has all came back. I have been dealing with this for about 4 days now. I was first dealing with this for about 3 years and then last year, it was not that bad. It was an off and on kind of thing and now it came back and its pretty much coming and going. 

Some days are harder than others. This time, I am also hurting in my chest but when going to the hospital for the chest pain, they will say its just stress. My doctors still do not know what is causing it nor what caused it to begin with. I went to primaries, I went to GI and neither of them have a diagnose for it. 

It is like a never ending kind of thing in. Some nights I end up having to take Bentyl just so I can sleep because it gets so bad. The pain is like a squeezing kind of pain. Sometimes its a twisting kind also in which it can get bad. 

The doctor would always tell me to eat small portions of meals in which that is what I do, when I can eat but its like I have no appetite and have no taste for food.  

I honestly thought it was food poisoning or my C-diff came back but it appears its not that either. 

I have also been using a heating pad on my chest and stomach and it has helped but its like I have to keep using it because sometimes it does not help quickly, it takes a while. 

I also have this lump in my throat and I can feel it every time I swallow which is kind of annoying and weird.

I also am hurting in my back and kidney areas and its just overall tiring. I kind of know why my back hurts due to I have a history of kidney stone but the rest of it, I am not sure why it is doing this. 

2025 Pandemics: FLU A, NOROVIRUS, COVID 19, BIRD FLU, MEASLES

There are a lot of pandemics that are happening now. We have walking pneumonia, bird flu, COVID 19 and Norovirus and measles, Flu A. Not really anyone is talking about this either. We are under censorship pretty much and no one is allowed to cover much of it. 

Wear your masks, wash your hands and be aware of your surroundings. Take safety precautions to keep you and your family safe, especially those with immune compromise. Watch the things you eat and watch the recalls. If you want some relief, try taking allergy medications because it helps with the congestion, runny nose and a few other things. 

Bird flu can happen if you do not cook your chicken and eggs fully thoroughly so be sure it is cooked. Chicken is done when it hits 165 degrees internally. Eggs are done when they are not running.  Yes, bird flu is currently spreading through beef and other things including pets so be mindful and be warned. 

Bird flu H5N1: Does not really spread from human to human but only from chicken to humans. It causes fevers, coughs, sore throats, achy muscles and pneumonia. 

Needing to find out recalls here this post has a link to an app that gives recall notices. Very helpful! 

FLU A: Contains weakness, body aches, chills, cough, and a lot of other things. Right now it is attacking children and a lot of them this is making it difficult for them to walk and do their everyday things.  It can also cause ear infections, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, pain in the abdomin, chest pains, pneumonia, bronchitis, stuffy nose, sneezing, sore throat, headache and body aches. 

Anyone can catch it including animals. 

Norovirus: contains diarrhea, and vomiting and really bad stomach issues. It can also cause a low grade fever. It takes 12-48 hours to start showing symptoms but then it lasts 1-3 days kind of like a stomach bug. It comes from food, water, infected people and surfaces in which it can survive for weeks. 

Covid: is a really bad common cold but it makes you feel like you have the flu. It has a wet cough that converts to a dry cough. COVID takes away your taste buds and smell and can make everything taste salty and bad. It can also make you lose your appetite. It can also cause shortness of breath and respiratory distress. Covid spreads through respiratory droplets, someone coughing, sneezing, and or talking. It can also be on a touch base where you pick it up from touching things.

Measles:  High fever, cough, runny nose, red and watery eyes, rash, coughing, sneezing, and small white spots in the mouth ( this does not happen all the time.)

I have had COVID 19 7 times now.  My family is currently dealing with it and the pneumonia and  the norosvirus and it it suck.

Right now we are combating it with cough medications, congestion medications to help with the congestion because after coughing a while, you will start aching in pain not wanting to cough. 

We are taking a tea spoon of raw honey to help with it and attempt to help build up parts of the immune system. 

We are also taking Ibprohen, Tylenol and advil to help with the fever and any pain we may experience. The kids are taking Motrin and tylenol to help them.  

The cough medications did not help clear it up as much but my kid had a rash that looks like an allergic reaction to something and we gave him allergy medications and he cleared up quickly. I took allergy medications and I felt way better and the only symptoms that I have is my little cough and a itchy throat. My congestion left and my nose stopped running and  I now feel better. I highly recommend getting some allergy medications because it can help. It helps break down the congestion, and the runny nose and a few of the other symptoms.

We notice it started with a cough and a runny nose, then it went from that to a low grade fever. From the low grade fever it then moved over to wet cough, body aches, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.

 Then my kids developed a rash on her face. The other kid then developed a spotty rash that looked kind of like a honey comb shape. We though it was something he got into so we quickly gave him an Epsom salt bath and then used non allergic bar soaps that was made of oats. After his bath we gave him some allergy medications his doctor prescribed him because he and I both have severe seasonal allergies and I am glad she did give him that because it came in handy right now it cleared up all of his symptoms. He had a little dry cough but that was about it.

Update again

 Hi guys! They upped my nausea meds, gave me a shot of nausea before I left the office yesterday 2-2-2023. They also did lab work for enzymes of my pancreas and that came back so I am cleared for pancreatitis. I also have sucralfate to coat my stomach so that way I am no longer puking but, it is still happening. 

 I have to do the stool H test since they could not get the blood one for me so, I have to poop in the medical cup and bring it back to the office so they can send it to the lab and see if there is the bacteria in it.

 I am still throwing up and nauseated,  I am having  pain on both left and right side of my body in the lower abdomen so, they are ordering a CT scan to check and see if there is anything else they can see and to also see about the cyst and if there is a gallstone stuck in my tubing since I no longer have a gallbladder. They are scheduling an OBGYN and an gastroenterologist appointment also to make sure I am squared away. So hopefully we can get more answers soon.

My life sucks sometimes

My life sucks and I cannot do anything to change it due to being sick and I hate it! I can never do any of the things I want to do. I cannot find a job, I cannot work, I stay in pain and now I am throwing up and drained.

 I am tired of believing that something is going to work out when it feels like for the past 8 years it is not. It is like all my hopes and dreams flopped no matter how hard I chased them. My blogs hardly gets views and it doesn't matter what I write about. 

The YouTube was at 93 subs then dropped and then went back to 90 subs but to get partnered its 1000 watch hours. The twitch hardly ever gets any views and barely gets subs, cheers or bits. I basically tried everything I can to get somewhere in life but being sick is finally taking a toll and pushing everything and stressing me to the point. 

I tell my husband all of this asking what are we going to do and all he says is he will figure it out and basically does nothing to help comfort or even bother until I start crying and fussing and yelling and it has been 8 years and months and months and now I am sick... and it is like he does the bare minimum and I am oh so tired of it.

I wanted a home of our own, we didn't get that. I wanted to take zoo trips, beach trips, travel with the kids, make memories and we don't even do that. This is not the life I expected to be living at the age of 26. 

I had so much more that I wanted to do but all I get is an I will work on it, I will find something, I will figure it out. It has been 8 years, I asked you to do something months ago and you still haven't done it.  I am honestly tired of expecting you to do something and won't do it.

 I am tired of being sick and having to depend on you to do things just for it not to be done.

I made myself so many promises that I basically broke them all. 

The links to twitch, youtube, etc

My health update

 Hi guys, I am suffering a lot. I have been nauseous for a month now and I had a doctors appointment the 17th of January since I went to the hospital on the 15th for all of this and all they did was take my pee and test it so I decided to schedule a doctors appointment because this is not right. 

I thought I had food poisoning but this is the longest case of "food poisoning" ever in which it is not food poisoning. 

 The doctor gave me omeprazole to rule out if the GERD is causing it in which it is not because if it was the omeprazole would prevent it since it has been a week of taking it. 

 I had blood work done and it came back normal but I am still nauseous and they had to up my nausea meds. I have an appointment with the endocrinologist to check my hormone levels and see if there is something that the doctors missed. I also have an H test schedule to see if there are any bacteria brewing inside of me that the labs missed. This has been a journey and it has taken a toll of me.  

I can barely eat anything without having to throw it up now or being nauseated also it will come out in diarrhea so something is wrong and I am hoping they can find what it is.  

My weight, I went from 235+ to 229 which was impressive because I didn't even know I lost anything. I do not eat any fatty or greasy foods, I do not eat any process foods either. I eat baked, grilled or air fried foods and I have cut out a lot of sugar and caffeine.   

Also, I am having muscle aches and weakness so I hope in March, when the endocrinologist can tell me something to help me also, I have another OB appointment with a different OB to get a second opinion on what is going on. It could be something with my PCOS that is being over looked or something. 

Also periods, are shorter than normal, My period lasted 3 days and on the 4th day it came back light pink and went off so I feel something is wrong there.

PCOS- Things no one tells you about

 

No one talks about how when you have PCOS you are more prone to get sick. No one talks about how it can beat you down to the point some days are harder than others and you will end up having more pain. 

No one talks about how drained you will feel due to the hormone imbalance that comes with it to the point that when you wake up, you just don't want to do anything nor feel like even being here sometimes or how worthless you can feel. You can even loose your sex drive with it.

No one talks about the sleepless nights due to insomnia, the hair loss, the weight gain, the diabetes that comes with it. It is like it is not even a concern and there is really no cure for it. It is something you are stuck with and there is no cure unless you get your hormones under control but as my doctor will say you have to loose weight but here is birth control so we can control your periods and if you did not know the side effects of birth  control, it makes you gain weight. 

 PCOS is not a joke and it is nothing to take lightly. PCOS can cause a lot of problems including pain that is not manageable but you are pushing through it and not going to get checked out because they will tell you "There is nothing we can due until it is twisted." and all they will do is tell you to take over the counter pain meds to try to manage it.

 The OBGYN will end up trying to put your on birth control whether it is IUD, pills, implant all while they to try to balance the hormones but be concerned when you are missing periods because it can end up being cancerous but they won't do anything for it but give birth control.  

PCOS, only warning sign is late periods and pains. It can also mimic pregnancy in which I had not had a period for 3 years and when I went to my OBGYN and primary care, they all said I was not pregnant, it was just stress and I gained weight and if I loose weight it would come back when in fact it did not. I don't even really eat sweets, I don't really eat fried foods, nor fatty foods so, I am unsure where this was coming from. 

One thing, about PCOS is sometimes, you will have to take period relief meds because nothing helps it and you will have to take breaks doing things. It can cause all kinds of issues throughout the body that you would never believe including dry, itchy skin, pain, headaches such as migraines, depression, anxiety, anxiousness, loss of apatite, makes you snack a lot and not be able to get full, causes fluid on your body,  bloats, swells and it will drain you. The pains you can feel from it would be sharp, stabbing, achy, burning pain and it can often times be heavy. 

 It also causes  bacterial vaginosis due to the fluids draining when the cyst pops so you can get some boric acid suppositories' that are for it and although it will burn it will help a lot.

The way that I found mine was not only were my periods were late, I was in so much pain on my left side to the point it had me doubled over and nauseous. When I went to the ER, they found it and it was like 3.9-4.5 cm and when I went back again it was at 4.9cm so it grew. I was told when it became 5.0cm is when they start to worry about twisting in which happens when it get to around 10cm so if you are having any pain please get checked out it is better safe than being sorry. 

Also PCOS can be missed diagnosed, sometimes it does not have the ring of cysts it only has one or two like mine did but my doctor still classified it due to the cyst, pain, missing period, and facial hair growth. 

Problems with PCOS

 With PCOS they do not tell you how bad it is. It can make your days hard. They do not tell you you will be in pain most of the days until the cyst pops and then you will be in more pain for a few more days. They do not tell you that anything can aggravate it, your moods will be at full force swinging and your anxiety will be at an all time high. They do not tell you that it can cause seizures that I have been experiencing due to hormone changes and nothing nothing can really help with the hot flashes. It is almost like menopause. 

You will gain a lot of weight but then they expect you to some how loose it when you don't even know how you got it. They will try to push you on birth control thinking that is going to help it but you are just going to gain more weight and make them money off of it every time you go get the refills. 

They do not tell you the ups and downs about it. They don't really tell you anything about it. They say its where your eggs fail to release and it causes build up in fluids. They say you can notice it when you miss a period well, I missed 3 years worth and took multiple pregnancy tests when my spouse has a vasectomy trying to make sure we are in the clear.

 I even went to the hospital multiple times, primary multiple times and even got a second opinion and some how everyone missed it they all were thinking I am pregnant. I even went to my OBGYN the first time and she didn't do anything nor checked me. She won't even do a scan but says oh it's not good it can become cancer if you don't have a period for so long even though I went to her and others multiple times trying to get help.

I threw up all of my supper last night which was a salad because it was light. They don't tell you that it will happen. They won't tell you had bad it will hurt and how when you move when its hurting it feels like you are ripping and its folding down feeling like its going to fall out. When I first went for this feeling they found my cyst but when I went for it again they did another scan on it and it gotten bigger.

I know, I know peoples bodies are different and different things will happen but its just weird how it happens. 

 Did you know the cyst will make you look pregnant? That is when they decide to go in and take it out they won't do anything for it when its there but they wait until it gets hazardous and can cause harm. 

They tell you to just take over the counter pain meds when it happens and rest. 

Get your hormones back balanced with this Fenugreek

Manipulative energy

 Manipulative energy is an energy that will try to manipulate you into doing whatever it is that they want even if you don't want to. It can cause to you be mentally and physically drained. They can tell you a story and make you feel whatever emotion they want you to feel. 

They will also use what you say and how you feel to reflect how they feel and say. It is a mind game. You tell them how you feel about something they will down play it and make it seem like you are doing it. Everything thing they do to you they will reflect it and make it seem like you done it to them so there is no reason to even bother with it cause they are out to hurt you even though they say they are not. Cautious around them and never tell them everything cause they won't tell you everything.

They can even bring up the trauma that they have supposedly been through to get you to care and show sympathy which then they know that you will care for them no matter what and make you trapped and it does not matter what they say to you even if it makes no sense they will still tell it hoping you believe every word of it. Sometimes the stories that they tell make kind of sense and then some of it makes no sense at all so you pick and choose which one to believe. 

If you don't know how to tell when they are lying, look at their body language and if you don't know how to do that; Are they looking you into your eyes telling you this or are they looking all over the place and you can tell they are lying? Is their voice clear or is it cracking while trying to tell this? Are they talking really quickly trying to get it out? Ask them questions about it. If a person is quickly to stop the conversation about it they will try not to answer all your questions or even avoid them and not bother answering them. 

They will end up trying to turn everyone they can against you anyway they can and it is just best to leave these kinds of people along. It is never going to end good and they are just going to hurt you more and more and not care. 

PCOS diagnose my trip to the obgyn

Have you ever had a doctor that doesn't really do what they are suppose to do? I have had a handful. I was dying in pain from a pancreatic stent and was told they can't do anything for me and then I went to a different hospital and got it removed.

I have been told by my OBGYN that she's worried about my uterus because of not having a period for 3 years and having a cyst on it which she didn't even order ultrasound or CT scan to check but wrote on my paperwork and chart everything is fine the cyst is intact in which I am bleeding and have been bleeding for two days and she says it's my period in which I don't think it is. So I am getting a second opinion since it seems like my concerns does not matter to her.

It's like they don't want to do their job but want to get paid. Every time I go to her she pulls out this square book and point out all her birth control tries to push me on birth control when my husband has a vasectomy and it does not matter my opinion on anything. It's like she listens but does not listen at the same time.  

With Roe VS Wade most of the doctor offices are not giving birth controls and contraceptives methods so I have no idea what is going to happen when it comes down this far. 

We asked if I need to go to a endocrinologist and she says no, she wants me on birth control to see if it levels out my hormones and periods so that the cyst can stop forming but she wants me to come back to her in a year and I doubt that I will. I am working on finding a new OBGYN. (If you do not know endocrinologist are those who check hormone levels.)

I feel like she has failed me as a woman. To make sure my safety and medical needs are met. I feel like I should have not even bothered going to the appointment because she just did the same thing she did last time but this time she said why she's prescribing it.

 I don't like the way she has done me as a patient and did not thoroughly check me but on her paperwork she said she did. I was at the time bleeding heavy and it was like she did not even bother explaining anything or what is going on but quickly wrote down on my paper work that she explained it when she did not.

 She said she checked for cyst but she did not do any kind of scan and was in a hurry for me to do a pregnancy test in which I did two a week ago because I went to two different hospitals with the pain and they said that I am not pregnant. She also ordered a AC1 test that was not even positive. 

I started taking Fenugreek which basically fixed all of my hormones and gave me my period back after 3 years. It fixed my PH balance and helped my body so much more than the birth control did. I even am loosing weight on it which is nice. I highly recommend anyone going through PCOS and endometriosis fenugreek. It took all my pain away and allowed me to do what I need to do. I do not and will not take the birth control they gave me since last time and time after that it gave me so much more issues. 

GET YOUR FENUGREEK HERE

Gallbladder pain/ removal, hysterectomy

Ever been seen by your doctor and you've started to notice that you are going more constantly for the pains or discomfort or your body is doing what it needs to do or suppose to do and you are feeling sick, tired and drained more often? 

If you are having gallbladder issues that is causing you pain, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea it would be best to change your diet and stop eating process foods, fatty foods, foods that contains high amounts of sugar because that will not help it. It will make it worst to the point you feel like you are dying and trust me after getting your gallbladder removed will feel the same way and it gets worst but then there's no organ to be removed because they already took it. 

If you've had it removed you will experience irritable bowel system (IBS) and then that hurts worst and causes more pain and issues and if you are like me, you will not get the diarrhea that comes after it. Most people say you will get diarrhea right after the surgery but that was not the case for me. It happened way later. I also have GERD and a bunch of other fun digestive issues from it even to the point I feel like I am dying. A thing to help the digestive issue would be Bile salt. Because the gallbladder was in control of the bile that is made by the liver and it releases it within the intake of food and nutrients but having a liquid that helps digest the food but once its gone you no longer have that and you end up having to find a new way to help the digestive tract no one will tell you this.

If you have a hysterectomy or a partial it is the same way. It may hurt you and cause you pain but if you remove it it will be worst than before and no one will ever tell you this. People are so happy that they removed it but will never tell you the negative to it. You may be suffering with this now but if you get it removed you are suppose to go on hormone therapy for it and be on hormones so that your body can balance back out but guess what, some people don't do it and causes them it feels horrible. 

You also may want to check out herbal teas and seamoss. Both can help out with a lot of things especially if you are having a hormone imbalance I would use chasteberries it good for helping the hormones

Chamomile flower is good for insomnia but I am allergic to it but there are different ones such as magnolia bark or leaf tea. 

Life of fear.. A BITTER TRAGEDY

Abuse,  pain, blame, force, trauma, hurt, tears, suffering, arguing, silent cries, whispers, fake smiles, cracked faces, broken. It's my fault, I'm sorry,  I love yous, trust, misery, bruises, bleeding, broken bones, crushed, depression, anxiety, fear, sleepless nights, ptsd(doesn't have to be military related.) Suicidal; thoughts and tendencies. Emptiness, emotions, alone, emo, schizo, Alcohol, Unloved, Just here, suffer, name calling, torn, love..., no love, regrets, truth, excuses, sorrow, endless years, finding yourself, defeated, nothing to no one, lonely, no support, friendless, no family, DEATH

WHORE, SLUT, BITCH, WORTHLESS, WHALE, FAT, CARELESS, YOU DON'T CARE, STUPID, RETARD, YOU SHOULD DIE, GO KILL YOURSELF, NO ONE CARE FOR YOU, I DON'T LOVE YOU, YOU WILL NEVER BE NOTHING, YOUR NOTHING TO ME, YOU HURT ME, ~ MOST OF WHAT IVE BEEN TOLD ALL MY LIFE. 

Love is a 4 letter word that means nothing if its not shown.

Trust is a 5 letter word that doesn't mean anything if its broken.

Sorry is just a 5 letter word that gets thrown around when something happens and means nothing if its repeated over and over again.

Promises, a 8 letter word that is always broken by doing the opposite and repeating something you said you wouldn't do.

Apologies mean nothing if your just going to do the same thing over and over and over again day after day or a month after months.

Blame, something you go through when they don't want to be responsible for their own actions, so it takes off of them and put more on you.

Depression, something you feel going through this. Something that causes you to break and want to be alone because of the person you loved and who you thought love you has done all this to you. It also comes from blaming yourself for someone else's mistakes and can come from many other things.

Fear something you live in when promises are broken and i love yous turn to blaming you for something you didn't do. Something all these words make you feel after it all happened.

Admitting to something you have done is never so easy but telling the truth is worth way more than you would know. Telling lies can cause lots of fights and tension no matter what it is. 

 Everyone goes through this it does not have to be women, it's men and kids who also go through this. Some of them even blame themselves for someone else problem but it's not their fault.

Lies, things that they feed you when they are promising you something... Something that you believe for so long and that they tell you to get you off their case, backs and out their faces...Lies can never be actually fixed... Once a liar always a liar...

Bleeding all over and crushed on the inside, spitting in the face of someone you love, calling them a bitch and a whore, stupid, worthless,accusing them of things they have not done... blaming you for something you cannot control being pushed, shoved, beaten, abused, mentally, physically broken, crushed, and being told this will never happen, this is not me but it is, it is you, this is not love and it's best if you leave this situation it can get worse to the point you don't love them you just are scared to leave. 

No one deserves this! No one deserves to be blamed for someone else's problems, mistakes or anything that is going on. It takes a lot to keep trying to push through but sometimes it's best to escape no matter how much you love the person or no matter how much they say they love you and it will never happen again. 

These are what people go through. People suffering due to other people's actions and people don't realize it. They blame you for someone else's or their action because they don't wanna blame them or themselves. They don't realized that the person they blame hurts because of it. They don't understand what it does to or how it effects a person and they let the other person get away with it.
Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow.

When Depression Strikes

Dealing with depression is hard along with anxiety. It gets to the point you don't know which way to go or what to do. It often gets so bad that nothing feels okay everything is your fault, your worthless, your no good, your nothing. Sometimes you don't want to be around anyone cause you hurt so bad and thoughts circle your mind repeatedly telling you to give in it's not worth it,  your not needed, your worthless and no one will miss you. It is tough to live with. Sometimes you are okay and others your not. Some days your perfectly fine and then at nights when you lay down to rest your up rocking and crying trying to cope trying your hardest to tell yourself your okay that your not worthless, that you are someone but at times the thoughts win and your crushed. Some people do not understand it. Some people will never understand but others have dealt and dealing with it trying to cope trying to help those around them before it's to late and they are no longer here. Some night is insomniac nights where you cannot sleep and you lay there thinking about life and crying asking why does it hurt, why are you still here, what is left for me?  People do not know this because the strongest person doesn't tell anyone. The strongest person smiles on the outside but falling apart as everything is crushing them on the inside. As they stand by themselves trying to make sure everyone else is good while they do their best to cope. Some people will not understand this but others will. Most people never had to go through this but some did and they will tell you it will all be okay and they are here to help you with everything and they will help build yourself up so nothing can break you and you will have a support system as you start to fall which is okay they will help you but sometimes this doesn't always work sometimes you go back to square one and everything you worked hard on is torn back to pieces and your slowly laying down having insomniac nights and long days trying to cope.

The Gallbladder Attacks

When the gallbladder attacks it's no joke. I was pregnant with my second last year and it got worst but they wouldn't take it out till the middle of my pregnancy but because it didn't really act up as much then they didn't and when it did it was 3rd trimester and they couldn't.
  At the beginning I had an ERCP and it's where they take a camera with a light and they crushed a gallstone and took it out in pieces because it was stuck in my duct. The doc had to put a pancreatic stent in because the dye kept running into it and I ended up having more pain and had to get a EDG done to remove it. Now almost 3 months after my pregnancy I'm still having attacks and suffering no matter what I do and how much I try to prevent it it still is happening but they won't take it out till it's infected or about to bust open.  It sends pains and shocks through the chest, abdomen and back along with the shoulder. Sometimes it feels like an heart attack or something much worst whenever you eat certain things. I go see my doc or even go to the hospital they won't do anything but send me back to my doc and then tell me to schedule an appointment with the surgeon but last time I seen him he said he won't till it gets to the infection point so I'm stuck with it till further notice...

When the Psycho Comes Out - Story plot

There are many things that people hide. I for instance hide a dark side, her name is Betu and she doesn't like you! Just kidding she doesn't like lots of things but she loves everyone and everybody.

Some days are bad but others are good. She deals with a lot of her own demons but tries to cope and help others. She even gives you the shirt off her back. Many things makes her appear. She is me and I am her.

She's a personality I gained that helps me cope. She also helps me get through many things along with trying to stay strong and help with my insomnia, depression anxiety and other things I deal with on a daily basis. She's been with me and apart of me for years and years. I sometimes do not remember much and I sometimes black out but she's there.

She and my husband have been here for as long as I imagine. They haven't left my side but only built me up to make me stronger. No one ever knew about her, people barely know exactly what happened to me.

I am half a book but then I am not some days no one understands what I go through except Betu and my husband. They are my best friends and more family than anyone. 

There is nothing to stop her there is no way to know when she will appear. It's weird and strange. I am stuck with her for the rest of my life and it's just a wild wild ride. You go one way but your pulled the other nothing feels right everything feels wrong you try and try again but why not give up?  You get the alone feels feeling worthless and useless to the point you wanna quit but you can't there to much to lose to much to learn so you push it all behind you and keep pushing yourself as you build yourself up so nothing can tear you down. 

There is a lot to know and more to find out. There is something strange that no one understands and know one will know except us and us only. It gets weirder and weirder but it will all be okay soon. It will get better as the days go by.

Tears of the Silent

Tears falls down ones face as they break inside
There are no sounds or anything
the will never tell you how hurt they
are just their emotions will show
they can be so broken on the inside
and they will never show it they
will try to hide it but at times they
will fail and if they hold it in to much
they can bottle it up to the point they
can destroy themselves and everything
around them in the process and it is not
good it is not okay for them to do this
they are in need of help but they cry silently
at night or when noone is around they do this
because they are strong they don't wanna be judged
they just want to be okay but at times even this
doesn't help it can get much worst than this...

The same feeling The Same memory

As the brown blood flows down my leg along with the water in the shower, as the same painful sharp pains appears in my stomach. I remember the pain from before. The sharp and throbbing pain that you can never forget the same kind of pain you want to never remember. It hurts the blood comes rushing more and more. My belly tightens while my back throbs almost like needles stabbing me. It hurts to the point I don't want to move... throb throb throb... it just keeps flowing and flowing down down down to the point it seems like it's never going to stop... The pain hurts but not as bad as my heart does... Beating beating beating until my pain comes harder and sharper until the tears start rolling from my eyes along with my silent cries...

Yourself

When looking at a hurt person you can often see yourself inside of them. You want to help them build them self up but yet it's hard. It's hard because you do not know where to start. One wrong move and you can destroy them and yourself all at once. It is hard being hurt and know what its like while trying to cope with yourself and build the other person up. It's hard when they break you down in the process of destroying them self. It takes time and patience, it's not all gonna happen at once. Things are only temporary and this storm that you are in that is making you destroy yourself is not going to last always the best thing to do is talk to someone about everything and DON'T KEEP NOTHING BACK!!!!!! If you love the person tell them, Don't let something destroy you and don't let it destroy them either. Whatever is on your mind speak it tell the truth NEVER LIE ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!!
EMPTY YOUR HEAD AND THOUGHTS AND TELL THEM EVERYTHING I PROMISE TALKING HELPS!!!!

I ain’t gonna hurt you...

Those are the first words you hear.. time and time again.. when your hurt you want to believe it's true.. after they hurt you it become harder to believe when those words are told.. It takes lots of trust to believe it.. but after being hurt the first time it's hard to, doesn’t matter who the person is it still feels like they are going to hurt you… guess what at times. No matter how strong you make yourself they will hurt you someway and break you down till the point you feel like nothing and worthless. After being hurt time after time before trust is hard to come by.. I ain’t gonna hurt you just become words… Words are not actions but words can hurt just like actions… Being hurt can bring you down mentally and emotionally and physically to the point it’s pointless of believing and trying to keep trust while it's pointless of keep trying when you feel worthless and like your nothing so you try to put yourself together and figure out where you went wrong  but you tear youself down again and then the words you hea are  but I ain't gonna hurt you...

Love...

Love can be the greatest thing in the world or it can be the most painfullest thing ever.
Love has a lot of trust that needs to be builded but when its broken down it takes a while
 to gain it back. There is lots of things that need to happen in a relationship to even be classified as a relationship because it is a commitment either way you go at it. You date a person to marry. If they don't tell you everything then you barely know them and at times it will end up tearing you apart and wrecking everything you've tried to work to keep together. Let the person know how you feel and everything before so they know how to handle it and take it. Don't try to hide it and then let them find out. It destroys their trust along with everything they've tried to keep and work so hard for.
One more thing don't say things you never mean and never I mean never hurt them always try to protect them don't let them slip through your fingertips because you probably will never get them back and they probably will never trust you.

Fella's buy your girl things, take her out treat her like a queen and talk about your feelings and everything let it all come out, let them know what you really think and how you feel.

Ladies tell your fellas how you feel, don't hide anything, treat them like a king and always try to help them during their weakest moment.

LOVE WILL NEVER WORK IF YOU DON'T WORK TOGETHER.. IT WILL JUST FAIL AND MAKE EVERYTHING COLLAPSE AND ALL FALL APART. ~ I know for experience