Struggling with mental health

 I personally have been struggling with my mental health for years. Growing up was not so easy for me. I was bullied for the way that I was, I was bullied for the clothes that I wore, the way I looked, my size and so much more. It gotten to the point I no longer wanted to go to school and I would fight with my mother when all she wanted was the best for me.

 I didn't want to open up to anyone because they would make fun of me more and laugh and judge me for getting help.

I became suicidal and never really bothered anyone. I did not really have friends and no one seemed to really care about me throughout school. I was like an outcast. I wanted to go to therapy and talk to people about it but we could not afford it so I decided to take up writing and that is how I got to where I am today. 

People would use me and get what they wanted and never talk to me and that is kind of what it is like now. I do not talk to anyone and I stay to myself. 

Truthfully, I hated how I treated her and I treat her so much better now. I personally understood where she was coming from. She was raised from a somewhat broken home. 

Her mother did not show her love like a child should be loved and her father basically was always about his money. Her mother and father would fight like cats and dogs and she dropped out of high school cause they always moved. She then moved in with her grandmother and her grandmother raised her the best she could. 

My mother then became the parent that she needed growing up and she understood a lot of things. 

Mt father which him and my mother have been married for 24 years now. They got married a year before I was born. 

My father, had a rough life which hints at abuse but never would fully state. He came from a home where things were not fair. He always talks about the olden days where the kids where always last and the adults would eat before them. He talks about remembering where when it was his time to eat, they had skimmed over food and sometimes they have food that was put back and some had bite marks in it.

His mother, was never really there his father was in the military and basically he wasn't home. He was raised by his grandmother and his grandmother and his uncle's raised him well although his uncle's were drunks and his grandpa made moonshine.

 He is the type to give the shirt off his back. He is a hard working honest man. He has rough edges that this life has given him but once you get past that you can truly see him for who he is besides this rough person who he presents himself as. He is a hard person sometimes but that's how life built him.

But, somewhere down the line  him and his mom made a bond that was unbreakable. His mom was closer to him than his dad and I completely understood. His mom was the person everyone needed in their life. His dad was a quiet type around people and it's like something along the lines causes him issues.

His teenage and early adult years were rocky but I understand. He made a lot of mistakes in life and he's always speaking about them and always talking about knowledge. He is a wise man and someone everyone would like to have in their life. 

Raising me for sure was not easy for them and I know but they did it. There was times we were struggling and couldn't really get any help had issues getting food sometimes due to they made to much for assistance and couldn't pay the bills at times which life happens.

Both parents have been there for their family through everything. They are giving the love that they did not have as a kid growing up and I personally love it.

I now as an mother, a wife have been diagnosed with PCOS, anxiety, depression and I self diagnosed for autism in which we all suspected it was there and now I know where the kids got it from which is okay with me. 

The whole point besides giving you background of my family is to let you know it comes from somewhere and starts somewhere even if you do not realize it. Everyone struggles with it and do not be afraid to reach out. Reaching out can help you more than you know. 

Never feel ashamed to get help. If someone judges you don't worry about them because life is never easy and karma is real. 

Manipulative energy

 Manipulative energy is an energy that will try to manipulate you into doing whatever it is that they want even if you don't want to. It can cause to you be mentally and physically drained. They can tell you a story and make you feel whatever emotion they want you to feel. 

They will also use what you say and how you feel to reflect how they feel and say. It is a mind game. You tell them how you feel about something they will down play it and make it seem like you are doing it. Everything thing they do to you they will reflect it and make it seem like you done it to them so there is no reason to even bother with it cause they are out to hurt you even though they say they are not. Cautious around them and never tell them everything cause they won't tell you everything.

They can even bring up the trauma that they have supposedly been through to get you to care and show sympathy which then they know that you will care for them no matter what and make you trapped and it does not matter what they say to you even if it makes no sense they will still tell it hoping you believe every word of it. Sometimes the stories that they tell make kind of sense and then some of it makes no sense at all so you pick and choose which one to believe. 

If you don't know how to tell when they are lying, look at their body language and if you don't know how to do that; Are they looking you into your eyes telling you this or are they looking all over the place and you can tell they are lying? Is their voice clear or is it cracking while trying to tell this? Are they talking really quickly trying to get it out? Ask them questions about it. If a person is quickly to stop the conversation about it they will try not to answer all your questions or even avoid them and not bother answering them. 

They will end up trying to turn everyone they can against you anyway they can and it is just best to leave these kinds of people along. It is never going to end good and they are just going to hurt you more and more and not care. 

Depression

 Depression can be so bad that no one can notice until it is to late. You wouldn't know if someone is suffering from depression unless someone tell you. Depressed people such as myself can pretty much mask it and pretend everything is okay when it's totally not and no one will ever know unless they are around you for long periods of time.

 People don't realize that depression can come from just about anything in life from the way a person lives, jobs, not reaching goals and dreams, and pretty much anything that doesn't make the person happy. It could even be the people around you that has brought you down and made you not believe in yourself or they reached their goals and brag about it. 

It is more than just sadness. It is anger that is built up inside from feeling like you have failed and failed so many times and you feel like your not going to make it and you don't want to make it anymore you just want everything to end since you feel like a failure. It's not eating much, not showering, not cleaning, not doing anything you enjoy just laying in bed all day feeling worthless.

Depression is real and it sucks. I say this because one minute your fine and happy the next your sad and depressed trying to figure out what went wrong and over thinking the whole thing causing so much issues that it's just crushing you and you feel yourself lost and wondering. 

It can get to the point of you feeling so along that you just want to end it. You feel like nothing good is going to happen but good things do happen you just have to hang on and be hopeful.

People don't understand. They only start to worry when you go missing and not returning the calls and not there anymore. That's when they start to worry. 

Check on your friends. Most of us are not okay and only saying we are while battling depression so no one worries.

Applying to job after job after job trying to make better of the life we leave but only getting shut down and no call backs and no interviews. Don't give up, it will all come together eventually you just have to hold on.

Loving someone but they treat you so horribly, telling you one thing but lying the next and you whole heartily love them and want to be with them but they only use you until you feel like you are nothing and worthless.

Trying to open up to friends and family but they don't care. They tell you it's life and get over it until one day your over life and no longer here is when they ask why didn't they talk to me or us? Why did they do it? Why did they leave us? But when you tried to talk to them they shoved you off.

Ways to help this is remove negative people in your life. The ones that are always shooting you down and not believing in you. You have to believe in yourself sometimes and give yourself the support that you need cause people out here are not your friends and only want what they can get from you and it doesn't matter how you feel or what you tell them. You have to burn a bridge and careful of the company you keep. Don't tell everyone everything cause they will use it against you.

Give yourself a mental break and take a break from everything that's troubling you and rest. Self care and love is the best of care and love. 

And if you don't feel loved. I love you.

Mentally drained, physically drained

 Ever feel like your alone? Ever feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you have to do everything since others and family are not doing what they said they would or you feel like your repeating yourself over and over trying to get help but they aren't helping you and doing things their way when your telling them what needs to be done and what is causing you stress. Yes I am currently in that state. I am mentally drained and physically drained. 

I suffer from anxiety and lots of it and it feels like the weight of everything is on me. I am trying so hard daily to keep it all together but juggling life, trying to find remote work, trying to sell my vinyl stickers and decals, trying to get YouTube up or something to support my family all while trying to juggle college and make sure things are going smoothly in the only place that was suppose to give peace but it's not. I have felt this way for the last five years and it's only getting worst. I have openly expressed myself of what could help but it's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I have wore myself down to the point I'm exhausted to the point I don't sleep at night and sleep a little during the day.

I'm the one writing all the blog posts that can't get AdSense due to one is adult content and it ruined my other blogs from getting it. I'm filling out job application for remote jobs since being an affiliate marketer isn't paying the bills. I am trying to help myself since all I have been doing is putting others first and their needs. 

I cared way to much for others when all they did was use me to the point I don't want to help anyone anymore. It's to the point my circle was small but it's even smaller now since I'm getting rid of the negativity and those that just want to take and take and take and use and use and use. I noticed a lot more positivity coming from it but I have a big heart and it hurts but I had to do what I had to to get my happiness and peace back. 

I am applying to jobs daily monthly weekly, trying to find something but its like no one is hiring and wants to hire. It is getting exhausting trying to find work especially something I can do remotely since I have kids and its not easy since most remote jobs are phone jobs. 

I also suffer from PCOS and that sucks. It causes more anxiety and depression. It causes pain and makes you feel alone. It causes hormone imbalance and can make you flip on everyone over nothing. They won't do anything but give birth control to counter act it something that can end up causing more anxiety and depression. I don't want anymore anxiety. I don't want anymore depression. I want to be at peace. I don't want to suffer anymore. 

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