Update again

 Hi guys! They upped my nausea meds, gave me a shot of nausea before I left the office yesterday 2-2-2023. They also did lab work for enzymes of my pancreas and that came back so I am cleared for pancreatitis. I also have sucralfate to coat my stomach so that way I am no longer puking but, it is still happening. 

 I have to do the stool H test since they could not get the blood one for me so, I have to poop in the medical cup and bring it back to the office so they can send it to the lab and see if there is the bacteria in it.

 I am still throwing up and nauseated,  I am having  pain on both left and right side of my body in the lower abdomen so, they are ordering a CT scan to check and see if there is anything else they can see and to also see about the cyst and if there is a gallstone stuck in my tubing since I no longer have a gallbladder. They are scheduling an OBGYN and an gastroenterologist appointment also to make sure I am squared away. So hopefully we can get more answers soon.

Manipulative energy

 Manipulative energy is an energy that will try to manipulate you into doing whatever it is that they want even if you don't want to. It can cause to you be mentally and physically drained. They can tell you a story and make you feel whatever emotion they want you to feel. 

They will also use what you say and how you feel to reflect how they feel and say. It is a mind game. You tell them how you feel about something they will down play it and make it seem like you are doing it. Everything thing they do to you they will reflect it and make it seem like you done it to them so there is no reason to even bother with it cause they are out to hurt you even though they say they are not. Cautious around them and never tell them everything cause they won't tell you everything.

They can even bring up the trauma that they have supposedly been through to get you to care and show sympathy which then they know that you will care for them no matter what and make you trapped and it does not matter what they say to you even if it makes no sense they will still tell it hoping you believe every word of it. Sometimes the stories that they tell make kind of sense and then some of it makes no sense at all so you pick and choose which one to believe. 

If you don't know how to tell when they are lying, look at their body language and if you don't know how to do that; Are they looking you into your eyes telling you this or are they looking all over the place and you can tell they are lying? Is their voice clear or is it cracking while trying to tell this? Are they talking really quickly trying to get it out? Ask them questions about it. If a person is quickly to stop the conversation about it they will try not to answer all your questions or even avoid them and not bother answering them. 

They will end up trying to turn everyone they can against you anyway they can and it is just best to leave these kinds of people along. It is never going to end good and they are just going to hurt you more and more and not care. 

Depression

 Depression can be so bad that no one can notice until it is to late. You wouldn't know if someone is suffering from depression unless someone tell you. Depressed people such as myself can pretty much mask it and pretend everything is okay when it's totally not and no one will ever know unless they are around you for long periods of time.

 People don't realize that depression can come from just about anything in life from the way a person lives, jobs, not reaching goals and dreams, and pretty much anything that doesn't make the person happy. It could even be the people around you that has brought you down and made you not believe in yourself or they reached their goals and brag about it. 

It is more than just sadness. It is anger that is built up inside from feeling like you have failed and failed so many times and you feel like your not going to make it and you don't want to make it anymore you just want everything to end since you feel like a failure. It's not eating much, not showering, not cleaning, not doing anything you enjoy just laying in bed all day feeling worthless.

Depression is real and it sucks. I say this because one minute your fine and happy the next your sad and depressed trying to figure out what went wrong and over thinking the whole thing causing so much issues that it's just crushing you and you feel yourself lost and wondering. 

It can get to the point of you feeling so along that you just want to end it. You feel like nothing good is going to happen but good things do happen you just have to hang on and be hopeful.

People don't understand. They only start to worry when you go missing and not returning the calls and not there anymore. That's when they start to worry. 

Check on your friends. Most of us are not okay and only saying we are while battling depression so no one worries.

Applying to job after job after job trying to make better of the life we leave but only getting shut down and no call backs and no interviews. Don't give up, it will all come together eventually you just have to hold on.

Loving someone but they treat you so horribly, telling you one thing but lying the next and you whole heartily love them and want to be with them but they only use you until you feel like you are nothing and worthless.

Trying to open up to friends and family but they don't care. They tell you it's life and get over it until one day your over life and no longer here is when they ask why didn't they talk to me or us? Why did they do it? Why did they leave us? But when you tried to talk to them they shoved you off.

Ways to help this is remove negative people in your life. The ones that are always shooting you down and not believing in you. You have to believe in yourself sometimes and give yourself the support that you need cause people out here are not your friends and only want what they can get from you and it doesn't matter how you feel or what you tell them. You have to burn a bridge and careful of the company you keep. Don't tell everyone everything cause they will use it against you.

Give yourself a mental break and take a break from everything that's troubling you and rest. Self care and love is the best of care and love. 

And if you don't feel loved. I love you.

PCOS diagnose my trip to the obgyn

Have you ever had a doctor that doesn't really do what they are suppose to do? I have had a handful. I was dying in pain from a pancreatic stent and was told they can't do anything for me and then I went to a different hospital and got it removed.

I have been told by my OBGYN that she's worried about my uterus because of not having a period for 3 years and having a cyst on it which she didn't even order ultrasound or CT scan to check but wrote on my paperwork and chart everything is fine the cyst is intact in which I am bleeding and have been bleeding for two days and she says it's my period in which I don't think it is. So I am getting a second opinion since it seems like my concerns does not matter to her.

It's like they don't want to do their job but want to get paid. Every time I go to her she pulls out this square book and point out all her birth control tries to push me on birth control when my husband has a vasectomy and it does not matter my opinion on anything. It's like she listens but does not listen at the same time.  

With Roe VS Wade most of the doctor offices are not giving birth controls and contraceptives methods so I have no idea what is going to happen when it comes down this far. 

We asked if I need to go to a endocrinologist and she says no, she wants me on birth control to see if it levels out my hormones and periods so that the cyst can stop forming but she wants me to come back to her in a year and I doubt that I will. I am working on finding a new OBGYN. (If you do not know endocrinologist are those who check hormone levels.)

I feel like she has failed me as a woman. To make sure my safety and medical needs are met. I feel like I should have not even bothered going to the appointment because she just did the same thing she did last time but this time she said why she's prescribing it.

 I don't like the way she has done me as a patient and did not thoroughly check me but on her paperwork she said she did. I was at the time bleeding heavy and it was like she did not even bother explaining anything or what is going on but quickly wrote down on my paper work that she explained it when she did not.

 She said she checked for cyst but she did not do any kind of scan and was in a hurry for me to do a pregnancy test in which I did two a week ago because I went to two different hospitals with the pain and they said that I am not pregnant. She also ordered a AC1 test that was not even positive. 

I started taking Fenugreek which basically fixed all of my hormones and gave me my period back after 3 years. It fixed my PH balance and helped my body so much more than the birth control did. I even am loosing weight on it which is nice. I highly recommend anyone going through PCOS and endometriosis fenugreek. It took all my pain away and allowed me to do what I need to do. I do not and will not take the birth control they gave me since last time and time after that it gave me so much more issues. 

GET YOUR FENUGREEK HERE

Life of fear.. A BITTER TRAGEDY

Abuse,  pain, blame, force, trauma, hurt, tears, suffering, arguing, silent cries, whispers, fake smiles, cracked faces, broken. It's my fault, I'm sorry,  I love yous, trust, misery, bruises, bleeding, broken bones, crushed, depression, anxiety, fear, sleepless nights, ptsd(doesn't have to be military related.) Suicidal; thoughts and tendencies. Emptiness, emotions, alone, emo, schizo, Alcohol, Unloved, Just here, suffer, name calling, torn, love..., no love, regrets, truth, excuses, sorrow, endless years, finding yourself, defeated, nothing to no one, lonely, no support, friendless, no family, DEATH

WHORE, SLUT, BITCH, WORTHLESS, WHALE, FAT, CARELESS, YOU DON'T CARE, STUPID, RETARD, YOU SHOULD DIE, GO KILL YOURSELF, NO ONE CARE FOR YOU, I DON'T LOVE YOU, YOU WILL NEVER BE NOTHING, YOUR NOTHING TO ME, YOU HURT ME, ~ MOST OF WHAT IVE BEEN TOLD ALL MY LIFE. 

Love is a 4 letter word that means nothing if its not shown.

Trust is a 5 letter word that doesn't mean anything if its broken.

Sorry is just a 5 letter word that gets thrown around when something happens and means nothing if its repeated over and over again.

Promises, a 8 letter word that is always broken by doing the opposite and repeating something you said you wouldn't do.

Apologies mean nothing if your just going to do the same thing over and over and over again day after day or a month after months.

Blame, something you go through when they don't want to be responsible for their own actions, so it takes off of them and put more on you.

Depression, something you feel going through this. Something that causes you to break and want to be alone because of the person you loved and who you thought love you has done all this to you. It also comes from blaming yourself for someone else's mistakes and can come from many other things.

Fear something you live in when promises are broken and i love yous turn to blaming you for something you didn't do. Something all these words make you feel after it all happened.

Admitting to something you have done is never so easy but telling the truth is worth way more than you would know. Telling lies can cause lots of fights and tension no matter what it is. 

 Everyone goes through this it does not have to be women, it's men and kids who also go through this. Some of them even blame themselves for someone else problem but it's not their fault.

Lies, things that they feed you when they are promising you something... Something that you believe for so long and that they tell you to get you off their case, backs and out their faces...Lies can never be actually fixed... Once a liar always a liar...

Bleeding all over and crushed on the inside, spitting in the face of someone you love, calling them a bitch and a whore, stupid, worthless,accusing them of things they have not done... blaming you for something you cannot control being pushed, shoved, beaten, abused, mentally, physically broken, crushed, and being told this will never happen, this is not me but it is, it is you, this is not love and it's best if you leave this situation it can get worse to the point you don't love them you just are scared to leave. 

No one deserves this! No one deserves to be blamed for someone else's problems, mistakes or anything that is going on. It takes a lot to keep trying to push through but sometimes it's best to escape no matter how much you love the person or no matter how much they say they love you and it will never happen again. 

These are what people go through. People suffering due to other people's actions and people don't realize it. They blame you for someone else's or their action because they don't wanna blame them or themselves. They don't realized that the person they blame hurts because of it. They don't understand what it does to or how it effects a person and they let the other person get away with it.
Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow.

The Gallbladder Attacks

When the gallbladder attacks it's no joke. I was pregnant with my second last year and it got worst but they wouldn't take it out till the middle of my pregnancy but because it didn't really act up as much then they didn't and when it did it was 3rd trimester and they couldn't.
  At the beginning I had an ERCP and it's where they take a camera with a light and they crushed a gallstone and took it out in pieces because it was stuck in my duct. The doc had to put a pancreatic stent in because the dye kept running into it and I ended up having more pain and had to get a EDG done to remove it. Now almost 3 months after my pregnancy I'm still having attacks and suffering no matter what I do and how much I try to prevent it it still is happening but they won't take it out till it's infected or about to bust open.  It sends pains and shocks through the chest, abdomen and back along with the shoulder. Sometimes it feels like an heart attack or something much worst whenever you eat certain things. I go see my doc or even go to the hospital they won't do anything but send me back to my doc and then tell me to schedule an appointment with the surgeon but last time I seen him he said he won't till it gets to the infection point so I'm stuck with it till further notice...

My Story, My life..

Having a back to back C-section is rough. What is even rougher is being on bed rest during both pregnancies. My husband and I got married March 29th 2016, We found out days later that we was pregnant again but the thing is we had protection. A month or two later I was rushed to the hospital because I was in pain which felt like stabbing pain. I had to have ERCP done which is removing a gallstone from my gallbladder duck because it was stuck. This put me in radiation and more radiation. We thought we was going to lose our second son and was prepared for it. I was still in the stabbing pain and found out they had to place a pancreatic stent in my pancreas because their tube kept going into my pancreas with the dye. After weeks and weeks of hurting we had to go get the stent removed. My husband could not work because he had to take care of our one year old and is still having to juggle taking care of our one year old our 2 month old and I. I thought this C-section would be normal like my first but it was not. I am in so much pain and it seems like I am not doing any better. I keep trying each day but I am getting weaker nothing feels normal nothing feels okay. When I'm walking I'm struggling and when I'm trying to push through I get tired and week. I've been back and forth to the hospital and they are not sure what's going on. My OBGYN doesn't want to see me back till a year and I know she done something wrong. I have pieces of tissue falling out that should not be, I also have pieces of my uterus where you can tell it's been stitched falling out along with clots. I stopped bleeding for a whole week and then it came back and it's not even the way it's supposed to be. There is something wrong big time and it seems like everywhere I turn there is no answers and it's like they are just sweeping stuff under the rug. I'm going to end up finding a new set of doctors and see what's going on because I know my body and this is not normal.. None of this is normal after they tried to tell me it was okay...
Thank you for reading my life and my rants.