Used

I use to feel bad for those I use to call friends. I would always try to by them a new game when I had the money out of the kindness of my heart so that they could play them since I already had them and they acted like they wanted it but then I realized, they were using me for the money and the games and I could of kept the money.

They never bought me anything but I always made sure to buy them something just so they would have something else to play. So I did it out of the kindness of my heart but it's like they called me names, they got mad at me for playing a game that I have and bought myself with my own money when they were playing games that they had or playing the games that I bought them saying yeah we will play them together but ended up beating it before I even get a chance to play it or half way done with it. They also got jealous when I played with others in which was not right and it was just to much and when I brought it up they said they were not and not doing this when everyone around me could tell they were.

I feel like I never have time for myself anymore because it is like I am being thrown in games or having to do things for others. I cannot even sit down and play games that I want to because they have games that they want to play with me and its to the point I just want to not play anything but I cannot do that because I don't want to hurt anyone but enough is enough and I am tired of it. I am thankful to have people to play with but I hate the fact they never take me and how I feel nor what I want to do inconsideration. 

It would be nice

It would be nice to get gifts like others in relationships. It would be nice to get flowers oh just because you thought of me. I don't know what that feels like. I don't even know what getting gifts feel like anymore. My birthdays have passed, anniversaries have passed, Christmas has passed and is coming again and I by my own gifts... I don't get anything from the thought that counts, it is me buying my own. 

I got yelled at and screamed at within the 1st 3 years of us being together and now it has been 7 things are okay but not the greatest. 

I no longer expect anything because the years that you gave me were not the greatest but it would be nice. 

I have been trying to find a job to support the family because every time I ask you to do it, you as what kind and then don't. Everything I ask you to do you don't and I am tired of it. I am so exhausted that I am no longer doing this anymore. It is no longer fun but more of a chore. I am not happy with this and I am tired of running myself into the ground. 

This is not how it suppose to be and I will no longer continue to live like this, I am not your captive. So, I am letting you go.

LET GO! SOMETIMES IT'S BEST!

 Sometimes, it is best to let go of those you love but you can tell that they don't love you by the way they act and treating you.

They act like you are always going to be there, call you names, treat you horribly, say things you want to hear but none of it is true all while treating your like you barely exist and or a second opinion. 

They believe they can treat you any kind of way and manipulate you until you finally have had enough and leave. That is where the shocker becomes to them, they think you would never leave and you believe everything that they say.  They will make it seem like you are the bad guy and try everything to make you feel like you did something and make you feel worthless when in actuality you are not worthless and you have done nothing wrong. 

It is all them trying to manipulate you into thinking this and they will end up making it seem like no one wants you and try to keep you away from your friends and family but this is not true it is a ploy so they can keep you to themselves without having eyes and having those that care about you tell you what they are doing and try to intervene in the "relationship" in anyway. 

A way to spot this is by the way they sound and the tone that they use when you are going out with friends and family and or them getting mad and jealous over you when you decide to do something for yourself. 

A healthy relationship will not have the jealousy or will try to keep you to themselves, they will allow your friends and family to be around and not try to manipulate you into thinking anything bad or feeling any kind of way other than happy and loved. 

If you feel you are taking so much out of you time worried about what others are doing to the point you are "stalking" them because they deleted you or you deleted them because of the consequence of their actions and threating you horribly. 

Don't put yourself through this. It will hurt but it is best to let go and move on and start living to yourself because eventually the right person will come along and help you and love you the way you will need to be loved without hesitation and the lying and everything else the prier relationship has caused and as always talk to your partner, give boundaries and let them know everything that you been through and open up to them because sometimes that is what we need to do for those to understand us and our journey. 

Sometimes its best to let family go also, they do not see the best for you and only will make you miserable because you are doing things you want to and living your life all while they are miserable themselves.

Also, let go of the past, the past is not the present, use the past as a lesson and continue to move on. The past also does not define who you are so let it go. The past only made you stronger so do not let it hold you back. 

This is not a relationship, It is captivity

 

If a person is doing nothing but making excuses and trying to make you feel bad about yourself, they are not into you and they are not for you. A person who loves you and is into you would never try to make you feel bad and will always do things for you. 

They will not mouth off, make you question things, act like they love you for you when actuality you are not their type and blame you for everything and make excuses and give you reasons that are not even true of why they do things. 

They will not leave you on a cliff hanger and tell you all the things that you want to hear just to keep you dragging along behind them. Don't worry they are good at saying everyone else is doing things when it is them and try to manipulate you into believing them. 

They won't give you any attention and make it seem like it is your fault when you have not done anything to them nor to deserve this. They would rather give their attention to everyone else besides you and when you ask or want to talk about it, they will get mad and tell you not to bother them and makes up reasons and excuses but when you finally get tired, had enough and leave, then they will come back complaining, talking about they do love you, they do miss you when actually they only miss the things you did and the company that you gave them. 

They don't care about you, it is all a game to them. No matter how many times they seem to want to fix it, they really don't. They just want to get what they can get from you and use you to the point that you break and you cannot even heal yourself, nor recognize what is going on.

No longer happy...

 I am no longer happy in my life. I am no longer happy nor excited with the things that use to excite me and make me happy.

I cannot even fake it like I am anymore. I'm so exhausted and stressed that I'm tired. I have been looking for jobs trying to do everything I can from blogging, affiliate marketing and so much more.

 I exhausted myself helping others that I no longer want to help anyone. I no longer sleep at night because all the anxiety that I feel happens the most when I try to lay down and rest. The thoughts are horrible, the panic attacks suck and the seizures are the worst.

I graduated college, a course that I pushed myself though to get a certificate that I have to take a big test for but if I complete the degree program I won't so I decided to go back to get the Bachelor degree hoping something comes from it.

I watch my dreams fall apart and never come true really. I thought I would own a home, have some land and possibly have a little farm but no it hasn't happened yet. I also wanted to travel around and visit places but no, that doesn't look like it is ever gonna happen.

We are in a three bedroom rental and there are 6 of us living in it. I'm not complaining about it as long as we have a roof over our head but I was promised we would move and never did. 

I'm just tired of the false promises that you gave me. I'm tired of you saying your going to do something and you don't at all. I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of it all. 

I'm tired of the back and forth me explaining everything how I feel, what I feel and nothing gets done about it. I am tired of the yelling, I am tired of the arguments. I am tired of it all.. My mental health is no longer worth putting myself though this. 

Some how, I will change this. Some how I will change it all and become better and do better. 

ARE YOU DATING ONLINE AND FEEL YOUR GETTING CATFISHED?ONLINE PEOPLE

Some people are not who they claim to be. They will not tell you exactly who they are now will they be honest to you. 

Have you ever dated someone and got catfish and you hated it so much because you genuinely poured your heart out and told them everything and they didn't tell you really anything and lied to you about their whole background?

 Yeah, that has happened to me also and many of others. Stay safe while dating and get a background check to be sure they are who they say they are and not lying just because they want to and you end up getting hurt from it. 

USE SOCIAL CATFISH TODAY TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH! 

Social catfish is a website that gathers information about a person and helps those understand the person they are talking. 

Social catfish can clear up a lot of confusion and help you find out if the person is legit or not. Save yourself the heartache and trouble by using this site to find out if the person you have been talking to online is real or if they are fake. You can never be to cautious especially if you have kids. This may save them. 

Social catfish, uses their name, number, email, username, address and image so that you can check out and see if the image is real or fake or if they are giving you false information. This site does cost a little but it is worth it in the long run. It pulls all of their information including social media, jobs, past relationships, emails, phone number, forgotten profiles, online usernames, chatting apps, dating apps, social medias and basically anything it can find. This will save people from scammers and being scammed of love and other things.  

STAY SAFE WITH SOCIAL CATFISH! 

If I had the money...

 If I had 500,000, I would buy my first house. I would also pay my parents dues, give my mother in law a home of her own and give back whatever I had left to those in need.

 I would also give my little brother a little bit so he would not have to worry. I would make sure my family is taken care of before doing anything else with the money that is left.

 After all that I would get my friends gift cards or something that they need. I may save some or start a business but honestly I'm not worried about the money after all I got what I needed and wanted with it, while I had the money.

Tired of living the same way

 I am tired of living the same way for about 7 years. I thought things would be better, I thought we would of gotten our own place and out of the rental but that has not happened. I not complaining about it it is better than nothing but you said we would have a place of our own.

  You even said things would be better and we would of gotten our own place but no we didn't. 

 I have continuously buss my butt with affiliate marketing and trying to make it but it is no longer working. Things have slowed down, even though I am with well over 50 different companies. I does not matter what I do nothing seems to be working. 

Christmas and birthday are on its way and the only way I feel we will get by is with my school refund. The school refunds that have gotten us this far. I transferred to a different school and now I get one if I even get one every semester which is like 4 months when and then I don't even get one. I got one in February when I started and one in May and nothing now. 

I am so tired of going through this. I even share the hell out of my stuff trying to get people to buy, I am always open about things and never lied to anyone but no you can't trust anyone online but yet these big creators are asking for money and they are willingly giving it to them. 

I am just so exhausted of this and I want a change. I feel like you don't keep your word and I have to keep forcing and pushing and reminding you but I am honestly tired of this constantly. I am tired of the saying one thing but doing another or not doing it at all until I bring it up again. 

I am so tired of this. I am tired of the constant worrying and the burnt out feeling that I have. I am tired of you saying oh your going to help me write the blogs and do things when in actuality it is me still doing it and working on everything by myself. You get upset or mad and or jealous of people that comes around and you always think I want to be with them and or leaving and I am so sick of it. The repeated questions I am also tired of them. 7 years I have stayed by your side through this... I am tired of having to find up money to afford things. 

I am tired of having to figure everything else. I ask to you multiple times to do something and it's like you won't. I want to go on a nice date, I want to be able to not have to worry about money and if the bills are going to be paid and if we are going to be able to afford things.  I am tired and burning out. I don't even want to do this anymore.

Check out the other blogs, if you buy anything from the side panels and or links it will help me out since Christmas and birthdays are coming. I also have ko-fi for this page and the gaming one. 

Ko-fi for lovely writes 

Gaming blog       Gaming ko-f here    Twitch here   YouTube here 

Adultnoveltys 18+ blog 

throsmoke blog   

Temporary people

 I no longer have time for temporary people in my life. I no longer care for those who I use to care for. I quit loving those who basically used me and were never there when I needed them. I have no more time for trying to help people get it together nor time to wait and keep telling a person how to get it together and telling them to do right more than once. I am no longer expecting people to be genuine people and truthful anymore.

 I found out the guy that I was with, was basically hiding his "ex" and was playing us both. He was not being as truthful as he was saying he was. Every time she would come online I could tell a difference that he was entertaining and talking to other people when he said he was not. I found her steam... I found her on his profile. 

She put her name as something she goes by and I found it. We were suppose to play grounded together but he basically ignored me and I went to his profile and through his friends because I had a gut wrenching feeling and poof she was on. 

The person he said he didn't talk to but them came up saying they do talk every other month or so but when he is talking to her, you can tell the difference and then it feels like I have became the second opinion. 

Besides bring her up multiple times, and he just brushing it off and ignoring me until last night and then he was like its not my fault you guys don't like each other and I told him yeah cause you turned us against each other and then I deleted him. 

He then texted me a gif calling me an idiot sandwich and I told him cool I really don't care goodbye and then I came back with the I'm blocking your number so I can move on because after the two years it is not worth it anymore tbh and I blocked it. 

I blocked it because, I do not have time to waist and to give to those that I have to beg to talk to, spend time with me and so much more. I blocked it so I could have peace and to find myself. He showed me multiple times he was not loyal, truthful and trustworthy so I decided to end it. 

I have been named called, bullied, lied to, assumed on, blamed, and so much more that it started to attack my mental health to the point, I did not even care anymore. I lost all the love and care I had for him because all he did was make excuses on why he could not call, send photos or anything. The back and forth, the begging him to do right and be honest took a toll on me and I decided to just leave and not come back because he was only a temporary person since he kept leaving all the time anyways and gave excuses and reasons on why he left and could not act right like a boyfriend and every time we got into it he would say he was being accused and blamed for being a bad boyfriend and it wasn't worth it anymore. 

 He also said my dreams, I would never get there and I got farther than he thought I would. 

Same routines

 As a person who likes doing the same routines, certain routines get old. Such as begging for a person to do right, arguing and fighting with a person that supposedly loves you everyday and begging them to see what they are doing to you and trying to show them what they are doing to others and how what they are saying is not right or sound right because the part that they are saying basically is basically the opposite of  what they are saying.

It gets to a point you have to withdraw yourself, your love and care to basically save yourself from spiraling anymore further down. Loving a person takes a lot of work if they are not loving themselves. It takes a lot of work even more to lie about loving a person and or subjects around a person. 

Say a person claims that they don't talk to people because they are antisocial but then come up to say they talk to people randomly then to come up and say they do not talk to the person they claim and then lie and say oh yeah we talk so if you are lying about that then what else are you lying about. 

Trying to search through everything that was told and go through every part and think about it while watching how a person moves it gets old. You start to see a lot of holes in every story and everything that does not make sense. 

You can basically see where the story was either used on other to manipulate them or basically where it was fabricated again and again to basically make it work on others to get them to feel sorry for them or to make you want to stick with them and care because that is what they want you to believe. They will blame whoever including you for things that you did not due and then try to use it as leverage to win you and make you stay and do what they want you to do. 

They will become the victim and play victim while victim blaming you and make everything some how your fault. Do not fall for this it will become catastrophe and you cannot fix this. It only gets worst and you will end up getting hurt in the process and its not worth it.

Once you can see how the person is moving and repeating it gets old and you end up wanting something  new. Trust me, loving a toxic person and begging them to be a decent human and love you the way you need to be loved gets old, hell begging a person in general gets old. 

You end up cutting them off eventually and then you feel bad or they sweet talk you into a place that you don't want to be in again and again because the way they word their words and then everything falls apart as you try to fix it and then you end up getting hurt and shying away from them more and more until you get the courage to just up and leave because you realize its not what you want anymore and they are not the one you want to be with because of all the times they showed you what they are doing.

 They don't love you they are only using you.

It is time for something new and a new journey at that one.

What ever you do

 Whatever you do in life you have to be passionate about. You have to be confident in it. Do something that you love to do. You cannot do it for money or the fame behind it you just have to do it because you love it. Money will eventually start coming in. Do not give up and do not get discourage. Hard work pays off in the long run and it never goes unnoticed. Everyone just have a certain time to bloom and blossom so it can take a while. 

Sometimes life will not give you everything you want it will only give you what you need. 

I don't understand people

 I don't understand how people can basically pretend to be something they are not or put up a front and then days, weeks or months later their true self gets revealed showing that they are not who they said to be that they are not what they showed to be.

It takes more time and energy to lie. Then after lying you have to come up with more lying and try to remember all of the lies you told hoping not to slip up and hoping the person you lied to does not figure it out and basically stop believing you.

Not being honest with a person can bring up trust issues. Trust issues can bring up a lot more things and can end up causing trauma to the other person to the point they don't and feel as if they cannot trust anyone.

If a person is not happy in the relationship they should just leave. They shouldn't play games with the other person and just lead them on. They should just go cause once a person finds out it's over anyways. But sometimes people are to busy doing on their own accord. They see the good, love and care in the person and they just want to tag them along and keep them to themselves while they are out here cheating and not being faithful. 

It sucks it really does but it happens a lot more than you think. Many people who have a good heart get used to the point that they do not want to be in a relationship. They are afraid to love and trust again. They do not want to invest time into something new in fears that they will be broken and hurt again and have the feeling that everyone is out to use them.

So if you find a good person, be honest with them and never lie to them no matter how bad you think it will hurt them. 

They aren't for you

If they are not showing you your worth then they are not for you. If they are not showing you they care then they are not for you. If they are showing everyone else attention and talking to them more then they are not for you. If they are calling you names, arguing about pretty much everything, not calling saying they're only with you but not giving you the proof they are and you just know they aren't telling the truth you can feel it and see it.

 They do this to people tag them along make up excuses cause they see the good in you and want to keep it for themselves and they will do anything to do that. They will do any and everything to break you down. They will blame you for the reasons why and then get mad because you reacted the way they didn't want you to.

 It's up to you to decide if you want to keep going though this but I am here to tell you it's not worth it.

 There is someone out there for you that doesn't want to argue that wants to show you the attention and love and care who wants to spend all their time with you. There's someone out there whose always want to be there for you and will always answer you no matter what. There is someone who is willing to accept you for you and if someone ever told you your expectations are to high and your expecting to much that is false cause some one out here is ready for it. The person who told you that is not ready for it and they will not change to. 

There is a person out there whose ready for it but first before you go looking for them be sure to heal yourself and take time for you and give yourself all the love you need. 

Why does apologies mean nothing?

Apologies mean nothing if nothing changes. If it keeps happening over and over and over and you bring up points and try to explain and point out what's happening and what's going wrong and ways that you can fix it and they don't even put in the effort to fix it but keep saying sorry but it keeps happening then they aren't trying to fix it. They are saying sorry to get you to hush about it and stop bring it up cause they don't want to deal with it. 

They will blame you, make excuses on why they can't do something or why it keeps happening and it is just going to be a huge loop over and over and over and eventually you will become tired of it draining you mentally and physically and then you will end up having to figure out how to escape and when you try to, they will make it seem like everything is your fault and get mad because you can see right through them and see through everything they told you and all kinds of things that don't add up.  You can confront them about it but they will call you names and then give you reasons and just be the ultimately shitty person. 

They will try fill you in with sappy things to make it seem like they are genuine then switch up on you and keep doing it over and over again and no they are not sorry and they don't mean the apology. They will just keep doing it over and over again just to try to keep you trap so they can continue to break you down and take your happiness from you make it feel like you are the one in the wrong that you are worthless and oh you can't have fun without them. They will also tell all their friends and those around you that its your fault and you did it all and they won't even tell them what they did for the reaction. They will isolate you and make you feel alone and like they are the only thing that is good for you. 

Be careful with these kinds of people. It can only get worst and it totally does. While your trying to get them to talk to you while they are busy entertaining other people and giving you reasons and excuses of why they are doing something and why they won't talk to you but blame you for the reaction that you are giving because they basically made you the way you are and the cold hearted person you became because you did nothing but gave them time, care, love, compassion, made sure to make them a priority  in your life all while they pick and choose when to make you one in theirs and then can't even give you a full good 5 minutes before having to jump into a game or talk to someone else but you be sure to quickly reply before they get mad all while they don't even reply for 10-30 minutes later and sometimes hours or even the next day.

 Oh they will also blame a mental illness and do everything they said they can't do with you with someone else and then say they will unalive themselves if you call them out or confront them about it and then say you make them depressed and all kinds of things but then they will also blame it on something or someone else and if you do something then they will say its you who causes them depression and hurt them when in actuality they are doing it and reflecting it to make it seem like you are doing it. 

Yeah if your relationship is like this. It is defiantly not a relationship they are just keeping you there to keep using your energy, joy, love and care and time so you can't find anyone else and they can make it feel like you are the only one and they are the only one for you when in actuality they are playing your feelings like a fool and they don't care about you nor your time nor love they only care about what you can give. 

They don't care

People always throw up that they love you, they care about you, they are there for you but are they? Look at how they do you. Look at the way they treat you. If they talk about others behind their back think about what they say about you. They aren't your friends. They aren't you lovers. Them type of people will lie to you and use you for whatever it is they want and can get. They will waste your time, love, care trying to pretend all while they are doing what they want and what they please. They don't care about you. 

Look at how many times you put your neck on the line, done things for you and they don't do anything for you. Look at how much you cared and made sure things were good and made sure they were good but look at how they did you.

You gave them a spare dollar or so much and they never paid you back or gave you anything when you were in need. There's a different in don't got it and just not bothering. 

Be careful of those you keep around you cause there's some fakes out here that will lie to you and use you to the point you feel worthless. They are only out here to hurt.

Don't tell everyone everything about your personal life, they will end up using it against you and talk about you to others. 

If you feel like you have to fight everyday for attention and time and then it feels like you have to show out and do things for a reaction. It's not love and definitely something I nor you want to be in. 

If they don't give you the time and day that you give them and they lie and give reasons why the I can't and don't then leave and remove them from your life. It only gets worst and you will only get hurt.

Invest that time, that love and care into yourself and heal yourself. This also allows you to grow and become better. Stay positive and remove the negative and positive will come back to you. Don't worry or focus on the negative it will only lead to negative things.

Depression

 Depression can be so bad that no one can notice until it is to late. You wouldn't know if someone is suffering from depression unless someone tell you. Depressed people such as myself can pretty much mask it and pretend everything is okay when it's totally not and no one will ever know unless they are around you for long periods of time.

 People don't realize that depression can come from just about anything in life from the way a person lives, jobs, not reaching goals and dreams, and pretty much anything that doesn't make the person happy. It could even be the people around you that has brought you down and made you not believe in yourself or they reached their goals and brag about it. 

It is more than just sadness. It is anger that is built up inside from feeling like you have failed and failed so many times and you feel like your not going to make it and you don't want to make it anymore you just want everything to end since you feel like a failure. It's not eating much, not showering, not cleaning, not doing anything you enjoy just laying in bed all day feeling worthless.

Depression is real and it sucks. I say this because one minute your fine and happy the next your sad and depressed trying to figure out what went wrong and over thinking the whole thing causing so much issues that it's just crushing you and you feel yourself lost and wondering. 

It can get to the point of you feeling so along that you just want to end it. You feel like nothing good is going to happen but good things do happen you just have to hang on and be hopeful.

People don't understand. They only start to worry when you go missing and not returning the calls and not there anymore. That's when they start to worry. 

Check on your friends. Most of us are not okay and only saying we are while battling depression so no one worries.

Applying to job after job after job trying to make better of the life we leave but only getting shut down and no call backs and no interviews. Don't give up, it will all come together eventually you just have to hold on.

Loving someone but they treat you so horribly, telling you one thing but lying the next and you whole heartily love them and want to be with them but they only use you until you feel like you are nothing and worthless.

Trying to open up to friends and family but they don't care. They tell you it's life and get over it until one day your over life and no longer here is when they ask why didn't they talk to me or us? Why did they do it? Why did they leave us? But when you tried to talk to them they shoved you off.

Ways to help this is remove negative people in your life. The ones that are always shooting you down and not believing in you. You have to believe in yourself sometimes and give yourself the support that you need cause people out here are not your friends and only want what they can get from you and it doesn't matter how you feel or what you tell them. You have to burn a bridge and careful of the company you keep. Don't tell everyone everything cause they will use it against you.

Give yourself a mental break and take a break from everything that's troubling you and rest. Self care and love is the best of care and love. 

And if you don't feel loved. I love you.

Investing time

Investing time in the wrong people and the wrong things can be costly and you not even realize it. Investing time into things that don't represent you this includes the people that around you, jobs, anything that is negative can cost you. You will start to lose yourself and lose sight of the person you want to be and are trying to be, get the job or career that you are wanting in life. 

Time just like love is valuable. It is something that you cannot get back so if you waste it and a lot of it you can count it as gone. The only thing you can do is move forward and hope to not waste it again.

People enjoy wasting other's time since they have nothing better to do but time is precious. People will also use you if you show them a lot of care and love.

 Invest yourself into positive spots and only allow positivity in. Don't invest in the negative and or a place where your hated or envied then you will be wasting your time when you could of made something out of it. 

Jealous eyes and ears are the ones that will try to bring you down since they didn't get anywhere nor believe that you can do it.

Make sure you put your time into those that will put time into you and not use you. Be careful of the company you keep. They will waste your time having you think they want the same thing you do when in actuality they don't. They don't care about you they only care and what you can do for them and when you stop they will do you dirty, call you names and all kinds of stuff and then leave you standing there realizing they weren't for you. 

You can tell those that have been investing their time into themselves because they don't let anyone close to them. You can tell those that have been hurt and taken the time to heal themselves. If you cannot, they are the ones that doesn't let anyone get to close anymore and take care of themselves first before they help others. 

Most of these people that claim to be friends do not care for you. Just wait. Stop doing things for them and watch them and notice the negativity they bring around you. Listen to how they speak and gossip about you. Think about what they are saying behind your back if they are talking about others. 

Never tell anyone anything about you nor your hardship. They will use it against you in the long run and won't care.

It will be come lonely but eventually you will find those that are for you and get the things that you want. The lonely part will shape you into a better person. Always stay positive and remove yourself from the negative. Remember whatever you give, whatever you do will come back. 

A good heart

 Having a good heart is troublesome for many people in may different ways. We tend worry, care and love a lot and try to help everyone and be there for people no matter what. They can do us any kind of way and we still try to be there for them. It's like we feel we have to help them. We have to be there for them. They will feed you a story and make you believe it and it makes you feel like you have to help them because they are alone from what they told you. Because everyone leaves you and no one cares about them and they have no one. This is what they make you believe. 

This is the story they will tell you to make you stay to manipulate you because you have a heart of gold and they want to keep you to themselves. They will make it seem like you are the crazy one when you start realizing what they are doing and telling people about them and confronting them about it. They are good at flipping the script and projecting themselves on to you.

Eventually you'll get tired and drained from it and you eventually drop all contact and communication and it will hurt but it's the only form of peace you get. You will have to heal and rebuild yourself from this and occasionally you will start wondering if you don't wrong and how to fix it and you think you can fix and help them but truthfully you cannot only they can. You will wear yourself down and out trying to help someone who doesn't wanna be helped. 

Careful of the company you keep...

Sometimes you have to get out of your feelings to make decisions that are best for you. If you are in your feelings then you would be doing what your heart wants and not what is best for you. Having a big heart and wanting to help everyone can be crucial due to you personally cannot please everyone no matter how hard you try. You will end up wearing yourself down trying to be there for people who are partly or never there for you or do not even care at all. 

Some people are not your friends and will use you for things that you can do for them and not even bother helping you. I have been there, I have a heart of gold trying to help people and be there for people just because I know what it is like to not have any help and then they basically used me, manipulated me and so much more. They made it seem and feel like they are the only ones that was there for me, that no one else wanted to be there and then they turned around and left. I basically ended all contact with them and basically got rid of the toxic and worked on trying to heal myself. 

They make it so that you are only there for them and while they only want you there when they need you and then they wear you down, making it difficult to see and basically manipulating you so that you can keep doing what they want or need you to do by using any and everything they can. They will use what you have told them and basically use it against you jus to keep you there to say and say on the edge so that way they can have you all to themselves and it's just an toxic environment and it will end up causing problems. 

I was basically a listening ear, giving them tips, advice and always there when they needed a help up. I always basically put people first and always try to help them, give them love that they are needing all while they don't even bother to make sure I was okay.  I am currently working on myself and putting myself first instead of letting my heart get in the way and get broken or hurt. 

I was there through all the disrespect while being faithful and loyal and still trying to help them even through they used me as a door mat and walked over me and said hurtful things which I didn't let it get to me as much but it sure did hurt but I never showed it. 

I am doing what is best for me and not helping as many people and removing the negative people and those I outgrew out of my circle which was small to begin with and replacing them with people who are for me.

Outgrowing people is thinking differently and being on a different level and changing. You change the way you think and the way you do things while everyone around you stay the same. Once you start changing you can see how others change and see the difference. You can even talk to them about an idea and business plan and that allows you to see where they stand. Don't give up even if they tell you, "you won't make it." "It will fail." "It's not going to happen." Even if it doesn't make it and does fail at least you tried. Take that and grow from it. If you feel it isn't going the way you want it to then change it plan differently and plan accordingly.

But then again don't tell anyone your plan and never let them know your next move. They will only hate on it and try to use it for themselves. They will envy you regardless even if you make it because you are no longer there for their access for them to keep draining you and using you and keeping you where they want you. 

You can go with what your heart says but also go with what your brain says. If your heart does the thinking, it can cause so much on you to the point you won't do what is best you will end up still trying to help those and cater to those who basically will use you up and take everything from you including your energy. 

If you are tired of it, trust me I know you will eventually cause not everyone can keep dealing with it. You want to grow but it seems like you are stuck and by getting rid of the negative person in your life things around you will start changing and things will get better. Your mind set will be differently and it gets better. 

It will hurt for a little while but surrounding yourself with those who want to see you win and are there when you need them are the true meaning of friends. Those are the people you need in your life not someone who basically leeches your energy off of you to the point you are so drained you cannot do anything else and you are trying to change but can't. 

You have to cut them kinds of people off because they aren't helping you grow. They are basically making it so that you cannot grow into the person you want to be and staying around them will end up making you a cold hearted and heartless person and not want to help anyone else. So careful of the company keep since not all company is good company. 

Also if you are looking for love, the same rules apply. Don't just get with someone you have to be sure you can grow with them and they want to grow with you. Can't be in a one sided relationship expecting things to work cause it's not going to. A relationship takes two people to grow, put trust in and be able to talk to each other through it all and be there and if you are there but the other person isn't then its not a relationship.

Warrior

 There's a warrior inside of you. Look at all the obstacles you have over came. Look at all the things you went through that have made you stronger. You at how many times you wanted to give up but that wasn't an option for you. You made it through your struggles, your tough times. You changed your life around and made yourself stronger to fight and go head and head against anything thrown your way. 

People judging you because they don't know you, they don't know your struggles, your battles, your war. They only judging you based off what they heard and your character and what they see but they don't know you. 

They don't see what you fight against daily. They don't know how bad you want to give up but don't. They don't see anything but only what they want to see. They are to quick to judge to quick to spread rumors and lies they heard.

But they don't see how far you came. They don't know the truama you endorsed or what happened to you. Sometimes they won't even understand and that's okay cause they aren't meant to. It's not their life, their journey but it's yours. 

No matter how hard it gets don't give up. You are chosen for this battle because no one else could handle it like you can. 

If you haven't heard this in a while, just know I genuinely mean it. I am so proud of you of how far you came and what you overcame and I love you. Do not give up. You have the power to get through everything. 

The scars, the wounds you have will tell your story, everything is what molded you into the person you are today and are going to be.