It would be nice

It would be nice to get gifts like others in relationships. It would be nice to get flowers oh just because you thought of me. I don't know what that feels like. I don't even know what getting gifts feel like anymore. My birthdays have passed, anniversaries have passed, Christmas has passed and is coming again and I by my own gifts... I don't get anything from the thought that counts, it is me buying my own. 

I got yelled at and screamed at within the 1st 3 years of us being together and now it has been 7 things are okay but not the greatest. 

I no longer expect anything because the years that you gave me were not the greatest but it would be nice. 

I have been trying to find a job to support the family because every time I ask you to do it, you as what kind and then don't. Everything I ask you to do you don't and I am tired of it. I am so exhausted that I am no longer doing this anymore. It is no longer fun but more of a chore. I am not happy with this and I am tired of running myself into the ground. 

This is not how it suppose to be and I will no longer continue to live like this, I am not your captive. So, I am letting you go.

No longer happy...

 I am no longer happy in my life. I am no longer happy nor excited with the things that use to excite me and make me happy.

I cannot even fake it like I am anymore. I'm so exhausted and stressed that I'm tired. I have been looking for jobs trying to do everything I can from blogging, affiliate marketing and so much more.

 I exhausted myself helping others that I no longer want to help anyone. I no longer sleep at night because all the anxiety that I feel happens the most when I try to lay down and rest. The thoughts are horrible, the panic attacks suck and the seizures are the worst.

I graduated college, a course that I pushed myself though to get a certificate that I have to take a big test for but if I complete the degree program I won't so I decided to go back to get the Bachelor degree hoping something comes from it.

I watch my dreams fall apart and never come true really. I thought I would own a home, have some land and possibly have a little farm but no it hasn't happened yet. I also wanted to travel around and visit places but no, that doesn't look like it is ever gonna happen.

We are in a three bedroom rental and there are 6 of us living in it. I'm not complaining about it as long as we have a roof over our head but I was promised we would move and never did. 

I'm just tired of the false promises that you gave me. I'm tired of you saying your going to do something and you don't at all. I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of it all. 

I'm tired of the back and forth me explaining everything how I feel, what I feel and nothing gets done about it. I am tired of the yelling, I am tired of the arguments. I am tired of it all.. My mental health is no longer worth putting myself though this. 

Some how, I will change this. Some how I will change it all and become better and do better.