Therapy

 Therapy for some are many different things. Therapy allows you to open up and talk about your feelings pretty much anyway you can, want to or feel. 

My therapy is blogging and writing about how I feel, things bothering me and what is on my mind. 

Another therapy for me is anything that heals my inner child and allows me to grow and be better then my parents were. 

I told them growing up that I need therapy, I have a lack of expressing how I feel and it was just blown off. They said I did not need therapy so from there, I decide to bottle up every little bit of emotion that I had and I ended up having this rage and anger and it was like they never cared nor listened to what I needed or want but instead they favored my brother and gave him everything and anything he wanted and I ended up having to cope on my own and figure out how to juggle and manage everything. 

I also enjoy photography but due to having to sale my gear to help fund the house we live in, I never got enough funds or gotten around to buying a new kit and so now I am trying to find other way to cope. 

Favoritism... Parents

One thing I cannot stand is a person who thinks they are better than everyone and bragging about the things that they have or got. A person I have for this example is my father. Growing up, we did not have much. 

We sometimes did not have enough food on the table growing up and now that my grandmother and grandfather died, my dad has money. 

It was not bad enough he asked my brother and I what we would do if he split it as if he was actually going to do so but no he did not. It was silly me thinking he would actually split it but no he kept it all to himself. 

My father growing up, was not the person that he is today. He did not brag about buying new cars, this that the other things that he buys. The person that I knew did not act brand new because he got money. 

He quit his main job, a job where he had benefits and went working for a farm and now he is trying to get back to his main job so he can have days off and benefits.

He already has over 7 cars in the yard. 2 cars do not run, the truck they had to replace the motor on, my mothers old car that he now takes and drive because his vehicle, messed up and he sold. My mothers car now that has some issues that is at the shop. They got a luxurious car because he did some work on a rich guy he knows and he gave it to him and pretty much my brother is getting my mothers car when it gets out of the shop but its a lot of favoritism here.

 My vehicle needs some parts and some work but it doesn't matter. I am on my own. 

I walk around like it does not bother me because of my babies and I don't want them to know how bad this hurts. I walk around like my childhood was the greatest when it does not exist. I am still healing my childhood and inner child with my kiddos. I am doing things with them that my parents did not do with me such as beach trips, and any other places we have never been too. 

It has always been favoritism. My brother, when he graduated high school, my father allowed him to be put on his credit to get loans and go to college. I cannot even finish my degree because I don't have the funding but yet my brother got his degree and help that he needed. He told me no one is going on his credit to ruin his credit but yet my brother did not have a job could not pay it back in which I believe my dad ended up paying for it but yet I couldn't get $8,000 to finish mine.

 Instead my mother was sneaking money around for her sister and got caught and got fussed at and then I needed to borrow money to finish paying for the house that I bought but yet I got on a payment plan with him and I have to pay it back while no one else is having to.

My brother growing up got to go with friends everywhere. He got to go to beach trips and mountain trips and other places while I never got to experience that. My brother got to go stay the night at friends house while I could never. I never got to go anywhere. The only place I have been was to the Zoo with a friend but that was it. 

Also growing up, it was rocky. We hen we got in trouble, we were always getting whooped. It was never a talking to. It never felt like love growing up. It felt like a struggle. Now going over to my parents house it always feels like tension. Like something is wrong maybe it is. Maybe my mother is actually going to start standing up and seeing how my father is doing. 

I don't know. I just know, its a rare occasion for me to bring my kids to see them. It's not like they don't know where I live. It's I always got go see them but they never come see me. It's I always got to try to catch them. Its never a phone call, a text or a check up. It a never bring the kids over and take a day or a moment.  

 

Thanksgiving

 Thanksgiving is coming up quickly meaning you're going to need your odds and ends to serve guests. Thanksgiving means a lot to people and is a way to gather people together and be thankful for everything you have from families and friends. 

Thanksgiving sometimes is never the same because people fallout and end up being alone, or loved ones pass away leaving the rest in heart break and grief. Thanksgiving can end up becoming another day to those who miss the ones that passed away or just another day in general when you are thankful for all you have and those around you.

Holidays no longer feel the same as they did when I was growing up even though I have my own family its like the ones who made the holiday are long go and now that family is falling out and not getting along it's just another day sometimes. 

If you need thanksgiving supplies be sure to get them in bulk here! 

Christmas is coming

 Sometimes during the Christmas month, we are not sure what to get our significant other or spouse. We also often times are not sure what to get for family and honestly that is okay. 

I also know this is the time people are alone the most and don't celebrate it for reasons, so if you know someone who is like this, just go spend time with them and hang out. Don't let them be alone. Being alone for the holidays sucks and no one deserves to be alone. 

 This season is all about the thought that counts and anyone would be glad to receive anything that you get them. The season is also about giving and spend with one another and cherishing. 

I know sometimes people are not the best and family tend to be hateful or mean but one day they will regret it all and try to come back and if they do, let them. 

Try to see through it all and spend time with them and if you feel you cannot then don't. No reason to put yourself through this. I have a good heart so I always believe in second chances but sometimes it is best to just leave it alone rather than to be hurt. Trust me, I know. 

One day the people who done wrong will regret it all as they sit there and look back on it trying to figure out why no one visits them and why they ended up alone when it is there fault. 

But, I wish you all a Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Merry Xmas, Happy new years and I love you all! 

Abandonment feeling by family

The abandoned feeling comes from many different ways and family is included. It is like my mother only cares about my little brothers accomplishments. 

I graduated college and got my certificate she only tells me she's proud of me but my brother graduates and she's posting it all over Facebook. I just don't get it. 

They never come to see me, it is always me to go see them. They never ask me how I am, they don't even talk to me unless it's someone dies. They don't come see their grandkids it's me always taking them to see them. 

It's like I don't even matter to them. They don't care about me until something major happens to me and then they probably won't care then. 

It's the alone feeling I get the feeling of abandonment. The feeling of none of my accomplishments matter to them. 

Most days I feel like I am dying and I never even bother telling them. No point in it. Every time I come around it's like job and work and everyone else tells things that they are doing but no one cares about me it feels like and it sucks. They act like I haven't been looking for work or jobs but with my health no one will hire me.

They were right, people pick and choose who there favorites are, I guess that is the reason I'm the black sheep of the family.

 When I get my degree, I'm not even going to bother telling them. When I buy my first home, I'm not even gonna bother telling them, no point in it. 

They rather hang out with my old friend from high school and her parents instead of me so be it.

I didn't realize that when I grew up, I would be alone... 

We would get made fun of and threatened if we did wrong, we got made fun of from our weight in which it isn't our fault. Growing up wasn't the greatest, I would stick to myself and not bother, pretend I wasn't there stayed in my room cause I didn't feel like I was welcomed...

They would never take us to the beach, they would always drop us off at our aunts so they could go to the beach with my fathers parents every year for my parents anniversary but claim they would take us. My bother went to the beaches and other trips with his friends.

 I went to the beach back in like 2017 for the first time before I got married. They never took us anywhere really. We never went to the zoo, never went to Carowinds or an amusement park, it was we never really went anywhere and it sucks, we never spent time with them at all. The first time ever I went to Carowinds was on a school field trip in middle school and that was it. 

I don't have any trips with family to remember, I don't have time with family to cherish all I have is sadness and misery due to they never really done anything with us.

 It is like I missed out while others were able to go out and have fun and go to different places and now, that I am older, I want to take my kids out and I want to show them things I never got to do. 

So I am becoming the person that I needed when I was growing up. 

Also want you to know, that abandonment feeling will never go away. The feeling of being alone will never go away. Does not matter if you're married, have friends, or have a partner, you will just have to cope with it and find away because no matter how many people there are around you, you will always feel alone. 

You are never alone with me. I love you! 

https://ko-fi.com/post/Abandonment-feeling-by-family-N4N2H4MWE

LET GO! SOMETIMES IT'S BEST!

 Sometimes, it is best to let go of those you love but you can tell that they don't love you by the way they act and treating you.

They act like you are always going to be there, call you names, treat you horribly, say things you want to hear but none of it is true all while treating your like you barely exist and or a second opinion. 

They believe they can treat you any kind of way and manipulate you until you finally have had enough and leave. That is where the shocker becomes to them, they think you would never leave and you believe everything that they say.  They will make it seem like you are the bad guy and try everything to make you feel like you did something and make you feel worthless when in actuality you are not worthless and you have done nothing wrong. 

It is all them trying to manipulate you into thinking this and they will end up making it seem like no one wants you and try to keep you away from your friends and family but this is not true it is a ploy so they can keep you to themselves without having eyes and having those that care about you tell you what they are doing and try to intervene in the "relationship" in anyway. 

A way to spot this is by the way they sound and the tone that they use when you are going out with friends and family and or them getting mad and jealous over you when you decide to do something for yourself. 

A healthy relationship will not have the jealousy or will try to keep you to themselves, they will allow your friends and family to be around and not try to manipulate you into thinking anything bad or feeling any kind of way other than happy and loved. 

If you feel you are taking so much out of you time worried about what others are doing to the point you are "stalking" them because they deleted you or you deleted them because of the consequence of their actions and threating you horribly. 

Don't put yourself through this. It will hurt but it is best to let go and move on and start living to yourself because eventually the right person will come along and help you and love you the way you will need to be loved without hesitation and the lying and everything else the prier relationship has caused and as always talk to your partner, give boundaries and let them know everything that you been through and open up to them because sometimes that is what we need to do for those to understand us and our journey. 

Sometimes its best to let family go also, they do not see the best for you and only will make you miserable because you are doing things you want to and living your life all while they are miserable themselves.

Also, let go of the past, the past is not the present, use the past as a lesson and continue to move on. The past also does not define who you are so let it go. The past only made you stronger so do not let it hold you back. 

Sketchy people

 Sketchy people are people who you cannot trust. The way they do or say things do not make sense and it's just so hard to trust them and understand. 

You should never trust these kinds of people because they will do anything they need and want to even if it hurts you or someone around you. 

Not everyone is your friend, and you cannot trust everyone. It does not matter how long you knew them anyone can switch up and cause you harm, so be careful of the company you keep. 

Many people who claimed to be friends with people ended up dying by them, hurt, robbed and so much more. People are evil and can be jealous of you and those around so be careful. 

Jealousy is real and people get jealous over the littlest things so be aware and watch those you call friends and family. 

Not everyone is going to be just like you and have the same heart you have they are all for themselves. 

If I had the money...

 If I had 500,000, I would buy my first house. I would also pay my parents dues, give my mother in law a home of her own and give back whatever I had left to those in need.

 I would also give my little brother a little bit so he would not have to worry. I would make sure my family is taken care of before doing anything else with the money that is left.

 After all that I would get my friends gift cards or something that they need. I may save some or start a business but honestly I'm not worried about the money after all I got what I needed and wanted with it, while I had the money.

I'm Tired!!! HELLO DO YOU UNDERSTAND???

Repeating repeating repeating, am I the only one, do you love me, I am the only one you want, you don't want anyone else but me right?

Being watched over my should like I'm 12, are you talking about me, what are you talking about with them? I'm the only one right?

Constant, constant constantly being told I don't walk to you or tell you how I feel because you get mad. I don't even get mad its all you!

Constantly getting mad when I try to say how I feel. Repeating myself over and over and over and over again like a broken record player.

Getting to the point I'm tired of fussing and arguing and being blamed!

Get yourself together we've been together almost 4 years been married one and it's like a one man relationship at times!

STOP FOCUSING ON YOURSELF AND START FOCUSING ON YOUR FAMILY !!!

SELFISHNESS GETS YOU NOWHERE AND YOU WILL END UP ALONE!!!

People...Family...Friends

Never depend on a person to do anything because sometimes they will never do it. Don't expect them to because when you need help they are never there but when they need help you are always there. It's like you don't exist till they need you so the come out of the woodworks doesn't matter if y'all are friends or family some still disappear and you never see them again. Unless someone dies and then they be trying to talk trying to catch up all in your life but still talk about you behind your back and it's like why are you even trying when you wasn't there when I was falling and still talk about me. They always tell you family is suppose to be there that's what you was taught when you was raised but some family members are there because they done fell out with some family but yet they don't even know how to fix it and then its to late because the person is already going and moving on either with their lives or they are going into their forever home. I've learned that sometimes water is thicker than blood because friends are just one call away and they end up helping more than family does but then again you gotta watch who your friends are because some aren't they are just trying to watch you fall or they will have their hands out just like some of the family.

I've also learned that people (Family) are the most judgemental people you can ever meet not all but some. They have so much negative energy and try to bring people down to the point they feel like nothing. Some people are just sacks of shit and need to get off their high horse. We all are struggling somehow and are in need of help. We all wear out pants the same way. We all was taught how to deal with life differently. People are so quick to point fingers and not realize what they are doing. They blame other people for their own mistakes and try to cope with it. They get people in trouble who haven't done anything or those who won't harm a soul. There is so much negativity and diversity in this world. Some people need to open their eyes and realize what they are doing to those around them. Some also need to own up to their own mistakes. Just because we are getting somewhere and they are stuck in the same place and won't keep trying they just sit there. We are working hard but yet they are still there and gave up instead of asking for help and they looking all kinds of way because we are living and they aren't/ So watch who you put yourself around because not everyone wants to see you grown and some people are still waiting for you to fall to get  whatever they can out of you.

You can't trust everyone, everyone is not your friend... they only care and want what you can do for them but once you can't do it for them anymore or stop then they will show you their real selves.