It would be nice

It would be nice to get gifts like others in relationships. It would be nice to get flowers oh just because you thought of me. I don't know what that feels like. I don't even know what getting gifts feel like anymore. My birthdays have passed, anniversaries have passed, Christmas has passed and is coming again and I by my own gifts... I don't get anything from the thought that counts, it is me buying my own. 

I got yelled at and screamed at within the 1st 3 years of us being together and now it has been 7 things are okay but not the greatest. 

I no longer expect anything because the years that you gave me were not the greatest but it would be nice. 

I have been trying to find a job to support the family because every time I ask you to do it, you as what kind and then don't. Everything I ask you to do you don't and I am tired of it. I am so exhausted that I am no longer doing this anymore. It is no longer fun but more of a chore. I am not happy with this and I am tired of running myself into the ground. 

This is not how it suppose to be and I will no longer continue to live like this, I am not your captive. So, I am letting you go.

Marriage and relationships

 

Marriage and relationships are commitment. It is loving each other unconditionally through the ups and downs. It is being there for one another when things are not looking up and helping them. It is not a one sided thing. It is 50/50. Their problems are your problems and your problems are theirs. 

If you are not ready for commitment and helping each other of if you are to busy to notice when the other person needs you and is struggling while you are out doing your own thing, let the person go. It is not worth them wasting their time, love, care and drowning in issues expecting you to come along and help them when in actuality you're not going to. 

If someone else has your attention let the person you are holding on to go so that they can find someone that is for them instead of being led on thinking that you actually want them and want to spend your life with them. 

People who genuinely cares and loves you ends up planning their whole life with you. They want to experience it all with you but if you don't want to spend your life with them and be everything they need in life and all you do make excuses all the time, blame, assume accuse them and make them feel less than a person, you don't deserve them and they do not deserve the treatment that you put them through. 

They deserve better, they deserve to be loved and be cherished. They do not deserve to suffer from you because you aren't ready. They do not deserve to be broken because you are broken, have trust issues, jealousy, narcist, Stockholm syndrome, have been called out and confronted because you are doing things that they know you are doing but you are trying to pretend you're not doing it and try to make it seem like the person is crazy and keep throwing off on them because you do not want to admit the truth.

 Gut feelings never lie. Trust me, we can tell when something isn't right and things are off. 

Sometimes we just let it go until we can no longer take it and other times we try to handle it right on the spot. Just sit back and watch, karma is quick. 

This is not a relationship, It is captivity

 

If a person is doing nothing but making excuses and trying to make you feel bad about yourself, they are not into you and they are not for you. A person who loves you and is into you would never try to make you feel bad and will always do things for you. 

They will not mouth off, make you question things, act like they love you for you when actuality you are not their type and blame you for everything and make excuses and give you reasons that are not even true of why they do things. 

They will not leave you on a cliff hanger and tell you all the things that you want to hear just to keep you dragging along behind them. Don't worry they are good at saying everyone else is doing things when it is them and try to manipulate you into believing them. 

They won't give you any attention and make it seem like it is your fault when you have not done anything to them nor to deserve this. They would rather give their attention to everyone else besides you and when you ask or want to talk about it, they will get mad and tell you not to bother them and makes up reasons and excuses but when you finally get tired, had enough and leave, then they will come back complaining, talking about they do love you, they do miss you when actually they only miss the things you did and the company that you gave them. 

They don't care about you, it is all a game to them. No matter how many times they seem to want to fix it, they really don't. They just want to get what they can get from you and use you to the point that you break and you cannot even heal yourself, nor recognize what is going on.

Tired of living the same way

 I am tired of living the same way for about 7 years. I thought things would be better, I thought we would of gotten our own place and out of the rental but that has not happened. I not complaining about it it is better than nothing but you said we would have a place of our own.

  You even said things would be better and we would of gotten our own place but no we didn't. 

 I have continuously buss my butt with affiliate marketing and trying to make it but it is no longer working. Things have slowed down, even though I am with well over 50 different companies. I does not matter what I do nothing seems to be working. 

Christmas and birthday are on its way and the only way I feel we will get by is with my school refund. The school refunds that have gotten us this far. I transferred to a different school and now I get one if I even get one every semester which is like 4 months when and then I don't even get one. I got one in February when I started and one in May and nothing now. 

I am so tired of going through this. I even share the hell out of my stuff trying to get people to buy, I am always open about things and never lied to anyone but no you can't trust anyone online but yet these big creators are asking for money and they are willingly giving it to them. 

I am just so exhausted of this and I want a change. I feel like you don't keep your word and I have to keep forcing and pushing and reminding you but I am honestly tired of this constantly. I am tired of the saying one thing but doing another or not doing it at all until I bring it up again. 

I am so tired of this. I am tired of the constant worrying and the burnt out feeling that I have. I am tired of you saying oh your going to help me write the blogs and do things when in actuality it is me still doing it and working on everything by myself. You get upset or mad and or jealous of people that comes around and you always think I want to be with them and or leaving and I am so sick of it. The repeated questions I am also tired of them. 7 years I have stayed by your side through this... I am tired of having to find up money to afford things. 

I am tired of having to figure everything else. I ask to you multiple times to do something and it's like you won't. I want to go on a nice date, I want to be able to not have to worry about money and if the bills are going to be paid and if we are going to be able to afford things.  I am tired and burning out. I don't even want to do this anymore.

Check out the other blogs, if you buy anything from the side panels and or links it will help me out since Christmas and birthdays are coming. I also have ko-fi for this page and the gaming one. 

Ko-fi for lovely writes 

Gaming blog       Gaming ko-f here    Twitch here   YouTube here 

Adultnoveltys 18+ blog 

throsmoke blog   

Same routines

 As a person who likes doing the same routines, certain routines get old. Such as begging for a person to do right, arguing and fighting with a person that supposedly loves you everyday and begging them to see what they are doing to you and trying to show them what they are doing to others and how what they are saying is not right or sound right because the part that they are saying basically is basically the opposite of  what they are saying.

It gets to a point you have to withdraw yourself, your love and care to basically save yourself from spiraling anymore further down. Loving a person takes a lot of work if they are not loving themselves. It takes a lot of work even more to lie about loving a person and or subjects around a person. 

Say a person claims that they don't talk to people because they are antisocial but then come up to say they talk to people randomly then to come up and say they do not talk to the person they claim and then lie and say oh yeah we talk so if you are lying about that then what else are you lying about. 

Trying to search through everything that was told and go through every part and think about it while watching how a person moves it gets old. You start to see a lot of holes in every story and everything that does not make sense. 

You can basically see where the story was either used on other to manipulate them or basically where it was fabricated again and again to basically make it work on others to get them to feel sorry for them or to make you want to stick with them and care because that is what they want you to believe. They will blame whoever including you for things that you did not due and then try to use it as leverage to win you and make you stay and do what they want you to do. 

They will become the victim and play victim while victim blaming you and make everything some how your fault. Do not fall for this it will become catastrophe and you cannot fix this. It only gets worst and you will end up getting hurt in the process and its not worth it.

Once you can see how the person is moving and repeating it gets old and you end up wanting something  new. Trust me, loving a toxic person and begging them to be a decent human and love you the way you need to be loved gets old, hell begging a person in general gets old. 

You end up cutting them off eventually and then you feel bad or they sweet talk you into a place that you don't want to be in again and again because the way they word their words and then everything falls apart as you try to fix it and then you end up getting hurt and shying away from them more and more until you get the courage to just up and leave because you realize its not what you want anymore and they are not the one you want to be with because of all the times they showed you what they are doing.

 They don't love you they are only using you.

It is time for something new and a new journey at that one.

Opening up

 Opening up to let people in is never easy. People can end up using you and hurting you which makes it to where you no longer want to open up to anyone else. 

They tell you they will be there for you when you need them but then they show you time and time again that they won't and they are only going to hurt you in the long run. 

I often sit around and trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it and ways to fix it because I always feel like I am the problem but I am learning that I am not the problem. I cannot make someone understand me, I cannot make anyone be honest, I cannot make anyone do anything. They are their own person and it is on them to do right or wrong. 

I personally, am tired of opening up to people. I do not want to keep having to restart with people and explaining to them that I am tired of getting hurt, I am tired of restarting and giving my trust to them just only for them to be like the others and leave and make excuses and then just hurt me over and over. This is getting old. I am always honest to people.

 I always give them the benefit of the doubt when they don't really deserve it and because of this, I have developed trust issues over the years to where I no longer trust people and they are going to have to show me that they are different and have to earn my trust. I have been done wrong by so many different people who claimed to be friends and those that loved me to the point I no longer am friends with anyone and became antisocial. 

I never really talked to anyone anyways due to my severe anxiety because, I feel that they will judge me and other things. I also have other mental issues and also self diagnosed myself with autism so basically, I got use to not talking to anyone really because it made me anxious and nervous. 

I rather be alone and not open up to anyone anymore because when I did and let them get to know me and actually felt comfortable, they tend to not be able to handle it and they close the box. Because of who I am, the ended up leaving me just like everyone else and never really got to even know me or why I am the way I am. They never really stayed around to understand why I am built the way I am and how I built myself up to not get hurt anymore. 

Not everyone is suppose to be around you, not everyone is suppose to be in your life. I want to see people eat, just not at my table. 

Remember everyone can leave if they want to so be careful who you let in and open up to.

Narcissist Toxic Love

 Sometimes it is best to let a person go to regain yourself. To heal yourself from all the trauma that they caused and everything that you have been going through. 

They showed you how they are, they showed their motives, who they are, what they do. They showed how they hurt you and can flip the script to become the victim and blame you for everything and came up with excuses and reasons and lies trying to trap you and control you. 

They even brought up being suicidal and going to end it multiple times if you leave. They even leave and tell you they didn't leave but you know they did. They lie about everything and could even be cheating on you and you would never know.

 This is guilt tripping trying to keep you in a place where you don't want to be but you stay because you are scared. Don't be scared. Leave them because it is not worth it. 

This type of relationship and people are toxic. They depend on you and make you miserable trying to stay and keep them happy all while they are trying to control, manipulate and use you. They don't care as long as you keep giving.

 They will also throw up they love you, they care about you in reality they don't care about you only what you can do for them. 

They will also say you don't care and love them once you catch on and realize how they are doing you. This is what narcissist behavior is. This is abuse to you, your love and time. Don't think you can fix them because you cannot. They will only hurt you and tear you down and rebuild you to the way they want you to be. 

And if you think your stupid for loving a person like this. You are not. You are brave for trying but it's time for you to heal and grow. 

Give yourself time, care, and love and heal yourself from it all. Your going to be working on soul work that comes from the core but to do this you have to get rid of the negative people and things in life and surround yourself with positive. 

People will only do what you allow so be careful.

Meditation and healing to all. 

 

What is Gaslighting?

 A person that does so much for you and then changes up and stops doing the things they were doing including calling and messaging are gaslighting. They lie about everything and never can keep a straight answer. You can tell the changes in their ways by how they do you.

 Never answering your calls or messages until hours and or days later no matter how many times they say they love you and care and want to be with you. They don't really want to be with you. They only want what they can get from you and once you stop giving it to them, then you can see how they changed. 

They don't care about you nor your health. They want what they want. You cannot change that. They will use you, talk sweet to you butter you up and then dip on you right when the going gets good. Don't think there is something wrong with you because there is not. It is the other person. They will make it seem like you are the cause for everything and then make up excuses and lies when they get caught and or doing something they do not like. They will manipulate you and have you questioning everything including yourself. They will make you feel like a puppet and everything they do will manipulate you into doing what they want.

The best thing to do when you feel like they are lying and making excuses is pack your bags and leave and never look back because if they can do this then they don't deserve you and surely do not care for you. I know it will hurt you in the process but it has to be done and trust me there are multiple people out here looking for love and are not trying to hurt you like they are. 

These kinds of people who ignore you will try their damnest to break you down so that way they can get you do do the things that they want you to. Do not fall for this you are to powerful for this and trust me while they are trying to break you down someone out here is ready to build you up. 

Do not fall for their lies and assumptions and accusing and bullshit because bullshit is all it is and will ever be. Toxic relationships will hurt you, regular relationships will build you. 

Manipulative energy

 Manipulative energy is an energy that will try to manipulate you into doing whatever it is that they want even if you don't want to. It can cause to you be mentally and physically drained. They can tell you a story and make you feel whatever emotion they want you to feel. 

They will also use what you say and how you feel to reflect how they feel and say. It is a mind game. You tell them how you feel about something they will down play it and make it seem like you are doing it. Everything thing they do to you they will reflect it and make it seem like you done it to them so there is no reason to even bother with it cause they are out to hurt you even though they say they are not. Cautious around them and never tell them everything cause they won't tell you everything.

They can even bring up the trauma that they have supposedly been through to get you to care and show sympathy which then they know that you will care for them no matter what and make you trapped and it does not matter what they say to you even if it makes no sense they will still tell it hoping you believe every word of it. Sometimes the stories that they tell make kind of sense and then some of it makes no sense at all so you pick and choose which one to believe. 

If you don't know how to tell when they are lying, look at their body language and if you don't know how to do that; Are they looking you into your eyes telling you this or are they looking all over the place and you can tell they are lying? Is their voice clear or is it cracking while trying to tell this? Are they talking really quickly trying to get it out? Ask them questions about it. If a person is quickly to stop the conversation about it they will try not to answer all your questions or even avoid them and not bother answering them. 

They will end up trying to turn everyone they can against you anyway they can and it is just best to leave these kinds of people along. It is never going to end good and they are just going to hurt you more and more and not care. 

I don't understand people

 I don't understand how people can basically pretend to be something they are not or put up a front and then days, weeks or months later their true self gets revealed showing that they are not who they said to be that they are not what they showed to be.

It takes more time and energy to lie. Then after lying you have to come up with more lying and try to remember all of the lies you told hoping not to slip up and hoping the person you lied to does not figure it out and basically stop believing you.

Not being honest with a person can bring up trust issues. Trust issues can bring up a lot more things and can end up causing trauma to the other person to the point they don't and feel as if they cannot trust anyone.

If a person is not happy in the relationship they should just leave. They shouldn't play games with the other person and just lead them on. They should just go cause once a person finds out it's over anyways. But sometimes people are to busy doing on their own accord. They see the good, love and care in the person and they just want to tag them along and keep them to themselves while they are out here cheating and not being faithful. 

It sucks it really does but it happens a lot more than you think. Many people who have a good heart get used to the point that they do not want to be in a relationship. They are afraid to love and trust again. They do not want to invest time into something new in fears that they will be broken and hurt again and have the feeling that everyone is out to use them.

So if you find a good person, be honest with them and never lie to them no matter how bad you think it will hurt them. 

Are you in a Toxic relationship?

 They only call you toxic when you find out the truth that they were hiding and lying about. When you have that gut feeling that something isn't right and they keep trying to tell you that it's not what it seems, you are overthinking, your insecure that it's all on you because you have trust issues from your past and it's causing you not to trust. 

What they don't know, is that the lies they fed you and made you try to believe is what your exes have pulled and you became wise from it. You observe everything around you and take notes of how they are doing and what they are doing. You start to see similarities and you realize they are doing everything your exes are doing just in a different way and pattern. 

You decide to break off but your heart hurts because you trusted them to be different. You gave them all your love, your time and care just for this to happen. 

You take a break for a while and decide to give them the benefit of the doubt thinking that it's not like that they were right that you were overthinking but then you realize it is a trap and you got tangled into their spiderweb and it is getting worst and worst nothing is going the way they say it would.

 They lied multiple times to cover up and then trying again to make you believe the lie they told that its not true that you're just making things up but this time, you seen it with your own two eyes and so you leave and never come back. 

Block their number, social media and go no contact but then there is going to be this thought of what ifs and it will make you want to reach out but DON'T DO IT! It only will set you up for trouble and to get hurt again.

Eventually the pain you feel will stop and you will find someone who is loyal and will accept everything you have been through and put you first for everything. You will find that special person to be there for you through it all and willing to go through everything with you no matter the good nor the bad they are there for it all. 

But until you find your person be sure to heal, and give yourself a lot of self love, self care and support yourself.  

Why does apologies mean nothing?

Apologies mean nothing if nothing changes. If it keeps happening over and over and over and you bring up points and try to explain and point out what's happening and what's going wrong and ways that you can fix it and they don't even put in the effort to fix it but keep saying sorry but it keeps happening then they aren't trying to fix it. They are saying sorry to get you to hush about it and stop bring it up cause they don't want to deal with it. 

They will blame you, make excuses on why they can't do something or why it keeps happening and it is just going to be a huge loop over and over and over and eventually you will become tired of it draining you mentally and physically and then you will end up having to figure out how to escape and when you try to, they will make it seem like everything is your fault and get mad because you can see right through them and see through everything they told you and all kinds of things that don't add up.  You can confront them about it but they will call you names and then give you reasons and just be the ultimately shitty person. 

They will try fill you in with sappy things to make it seem like they are genuine then switch up on you and keep doing it over and over again and no they are not sorry and they don't mean the apology. They will just keep doing it over and over again just to try to keep you trap so they can continue to break you down and take your happiness from you make it feel like you are the one in the wrong that you are worthless and oh you can't have fun without them. They will also tell all their friends and those around you that its your fault and you did it all and they won't even tell them what they did for the reaction. They will isolate you and make you feel alone and like they are the only thing that is good for you. 

Be careful with these kinds of people. It can only get worst and it totally does. While your trying to get them to talk to you while they are busy entertaining other people and giving you reasons and excuses of why they are doing something and why they won't talk to you but blame you for the reaction that you are giving because they basically made you the way you are and the cold hearted person you became because you did nothing but gave them time, care, love, compassion, made sure to make them a priority  in your life all while they pick and choose when to make you one in theirs and then can't even give you a full good 5 minutes before having to jump into a game or talk to someone else but you be sure to quickly reply before they get mad all while they don't even reply for 10-30 minutes later and sometimes hours or even the next day.

 Oh they will also blame a mental illness and do everything they said they can't do with you with someone else and then say they will unalive themselves if you call them out or confront them about it and then say you make them depressed and all kinds of things but then they will also blame it on something or someone else and if you do something then they will say its you who causes them depression and hurt them when in actuality they are doing it and reflecting it to make it seem like you are doing it. 

Yeah if your relationship is like this. It is defiantly not a relationship they are just keeping you there to keep using your energy, joy, love and care and time so you can't find anyone else and they can make it feel like you are the only one and they are the only one for you when in actuality they are playing your feelings like a fool and they don't care about you nor your time nor love they only care about what you can give. 

Careful of the company you keep...

Sometimes you have to get out of your feelings to make decisions that are best for you. If you are in your feelings then you would be doing what your heart wants and not what is best for you. Having a big heart and wanting to help everyone can be crucial due to you personally cannot please everyone no matter how hard you try. You will end up wearing yourself down trying to be there for people who are partly or never there for you or do not even care at all. 

Some people are not your friends and will use you for things that you can do for them and not even bother helping you. I have been there, I have a heart of gold trying to help people and be there for people just because I know what it is like to not have any help and then they basically used me, manipulated me and so much more. They made it seem and feel like they are the only ones that was there for me, that no one else wanted to be there and then they turned around and left. I basically ended all contact with them and basically got rid of the toxic and worked on trying to heal myself. 

They make it so that you are only there for them and while they only want you there when they need you and then they wear you down, making it difficult to see and basically manipulating you so that you can keep doing what they want or need you to do by using any and everything they can. They will use what you have told them and basically use it against you jus to keep you there to say and say on the edge so that way they can have you all to themselves and it's just an toxic environment and it will end up causing problems. 

I was basically a listening ear, giving them tips, advice and always there when they needed a help up. I always basically put people first and always try to help them, give them love that they are needing all while they don't even bother to make sure I was okay.  I am currently working on myself and putting myself first instead of letting my heart get in the way and get broken or hurt. 

I was there through all the disrespect while being faithful and loyal and still trying to help them even through they used me as a door mat and walked over me and said hurtful things which I didn't let it get to me as much but it sure did hurt but I never showed it. 

I am doing what is best for me and not helping as many people and removing the negative people and those I outgrew out of my circle which was small to begin with and replacing them with people who are for me.

Outgrowing people is thinking differently and being on a different level and changing. You change the way you think and the way you do things while everyone around you stay the same. Once you start changing you can see how others change and see the difference. You can even talk to them about an idea and business plan and that allows you to see where they stand. Don't give up even if they tell you, "you won't make it." "It will fail." "It's not going to happen." Even if it doesn't make it and does fail at least you tried. Take that and grow from it. If you feel it isn't going the way you want it to then change it plan differently and plan accordingly.

But then again don't tell anyone your plan and never let them know your next move. They will only hate on it and try to use it for themselves. They will envy you regardless even if you make it because you are no longer there for their access for them to keep draining you and using you and keeping you where they want you. 

You can go with what your heart says but also go with what your brain says. If your heart does the thinking, it can cause so much on you to the point you won't do what is best you will end up still trying to help those and cater to those who basically will use you up and take everything from you including your energy. 

If you are tired of it, trust me I know you will eventually cause not everyone can keep dealing with it. You want to grow but it seems like you are stuck and by getting rid of the negative person in your life things around you will start changing and things will get better. Your mind set will be differently and it gets better. 

It will hurt for a little while but surrounding yourself with those who want to see you win and are there when you need them are the true meaning of friends. Those are the people you need in your life not someone who basically leeches your energy off of you to the point you are so drained you cannot do anything else and you are trying to change but can't. 

You have to cut them kinds of people off because they aren't helping you grow. They are basically making it so that you cannot grow into the person you want to be and staying around them will end up making you a cold hearted and heartless person and not want to help anyone else. So careful of the company keep since not all company is good company. 

Also if you are looking for love, the same rules apply. Don't just get with someone you have to be sure you can grow with them and they want to grow with you. Can't be in a one sided relationship expecting things to work cause it's not going to. A relationship takes two people to grow, put trust in and be able to talk to each other through it all and be there and if you are there but the other person isn't then its not a relationship.