Empty Promises

 After awhile, a person becomes numb to empty promises. When a person say and promises they are going to do something but they end up not doing it and your expectations lowers and lowers every promise that they do not do, you end up getting use to them saying they are going to do it and end up doing nothing in which you end up getting your hopes up and end up being crushed making it so you have to end up doing it and making plans of having to fix what they said they were going to do. 

Another thing is being said but it is so empty. Getting fed up with everything and eventually you end up taking over and trying to do everything without letting the other know until it is done because expecting them to do it just makes you feel empty. 

Having expectations of a person or the man of the house just for them to not even hold their weight but come up with every excuse and reason why they shouldn't while you juggle 36 different things from your kids, to bills to making sure the house is good to making sure your health is good to making sure everything is working great and correctly to making sure that everything is working and going smoothly and if something happens you end up trying to fix it. 

This causes a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of silent cries and just a lot of strain on your body and health trying to be this picture perfect but in reality it just tears you down to the point you no longer want to do it anymore. 

You no longer want to be in a marriage where everything looks great with a fake smile juggling everything including the empty promises and emotions along with the weight of the man or woman you supposedly love who promised to do everything they can and said they would but only does the bare minimum or none at all leaving it all for you to end up doing because we all know they are not. 

This can be projected on men or it can be projected on women. This can be a perspective of anyone because anyone can leave broken promises. I know this feeling all to well and honestly, it is a tiring feeling. I done cried all the tears I can along with I done tried, I done screamed, I done showed so much how it bothers me just for nothing to happen but the excuse of I'm to tired or I'll do it later and it gets done months later with the "I forgot." even though I just brought it up and brought it up again and don't let me say I have to do something because it turns into they will do it and guess what, the same thing happens. 

Sick of the lies

 I'm sick of the lies...

I'm sick of you saying you'll do something but weeks and months go by and you never do it. I'm sick of living the way we live.

I'm so tired of it all and I don't want to keep living like this. You never keep your word but you want me to and I'm sick of it. 

Almost 8 years and it's the same thing but this time worst and I'm sick of it. 

You say you will find work but no you don't. You said things will be different. I am work myself to death. I'm writing blogs, I'm affiliate marketing, I'm working Clickworker, I'm streaming on twitch making YouTube videos it's always me and never you.

 I work on the shops and everything else trying to support the kids while you do the bare minimum but expect me to be happy and then, if I make friends I with anyone you are kind of controlling worried if I am going to leave you for them and I am sick of that also. I'm done with it all

I'm suffering from PCOS and worrying everyday and suffer from the pain and sickness but you do nothing but sit in the chair and I'm tired of it. 

You can sleep all day close to it and won't really clean the house while you tell me you got it and rest but no, I get up and walk though I hear you let the foot rest down and then when I walk back you put it back up.

Your game is suppose to come out in March - April and you don't even work on it anymore. 

I just cannot do this anymore and I'm tired of it. My birthday is 1-27 and I bet you got me the same thing as you did last year...nothing. How about Christmas where I bought my own? I don't get cute gifts, I don't get trips, I don't get anything really. What is it like? Having someone buy you random things just because? I don't get that...

Am I Garbage ?

 I got called garbage again for not catering to his lies. I got called garbage for the 3rd time because he could not handle me for me. The joking me. I got called garbage and told I have a shit life because he said I don't do anything but break people in which it's not true.

 I have kids to take care of while he's all the way on the Pacific coast playing games all day and coming up with excuses and lies.

 Lies and excuses of why he can't do anything. Why he can't call, video chat and or send photos like he says he has social anxiety but can talk to his friends but when I decide to disappear its like he gets mad. 

I decided it was not worth it anymore and ended everything. He has done this for the past two years and it's becoming worst and worst. It got to the point I could not be myself without having to worry if he's gonna be mad. 

He was really manipulative and basically tried to hurt me daily. He never really showed me any attention but always gave it to others.

It was like I had to force everything. It was like he wanted to try to control what I did and do and I just would not let him. Every time he left I start questioning myself and trying to figure out the cause of it all but then a few days I would become happy but then it hits me because I cared so much it would kind of hurt but then after a few weeks to a month I would be okay and it's like he knows it because he would always come back and try to and it happens all over again except this time.

Manipulative energy

 Manipulative energy is an energy that will try to manipulate you into doing whatever it is that they want even if you don't want to. It can cause to you be mentally and physically drained. They can tell you a story and make you feel whatever emotion they want you to feel. 

They will also use what you say and how you feel to reflect how they feel and say. It is a mind game. You tell them how you feel about something they will down play it and make it seem like you are doing it. Everything thing they do to you they will reflect it and make it seem like you done it to them so there is no reason to even bother with it cause they are out to hurt you even though they say they are not. Cautious around them and never tell them everything cause they won't tell you everything.

They can even bring up the trauma that they have supposedly been through to get you to care and show sympathy which then they know that you will care for them no matter what and make you trapped and it does not matter what they say to you even if it makes no sense they will still tell it hoping you believe every word of it. Sometimes the stories that they tell make kind of sense and then some of it makes no sense at all so you pick and choose which one to believe. 

If you don't know how to tell when they are lying, look at their body language and if you don't know how to do that; Are they looking you into your eyes telling you this or are they looking all over the place and you can tell they are lying? Is their voice clear or is it cracking while trying to tell this? Are they talking really quickly trying to get it out? Ask them questions about it. If a person is quickly to stop the conversation about it they will try not to answer all your questions or even avoid them and not bother answering them. 

They will end up trying to turn everyone they can against you anyway they can and it is just best to leave these kinds of people along. It is never going to end good and they are just going to hurt you more and more and not care. 

I don't understand people

 I don't understand how people can basically pretend to be something they are not or put up a front and then days, weeks or months later their true self gets revealed showing that they are not who they said to be that they are not what they showed to be.

It takes more time and energy to lie. Then after lying you have to come up with more lying and try to remember all of the lies you told hoping not to slip up and hoping the person you lied to does not figure it out and basically stop believing you.

Not being honest with a person can bring up trust issues. Trust issues can bring up a lot more things and can end up causing trauma to the other person to the point they don't and feel as if they cannot trust anyone.

If a person is not happy in the relationship they should just leave. They shouldn't play games with the other person and just lead them on. They should just go cause once a person finds out it's over anyways. But sometimes people are to busy doing on their own accord. They see the good, love and care in the person and they just want to tag them along and keep them to themselves while they are out here cheating and not being faithful. 

It sucks it really does but it happens a lot more than you think. Many people who have a good heart get used to the point that they do not want to be in a relationship. They are afraid to love and trust again. They do not want to invest time into something new in fears that they will be broken and hurt again and have the feeling that everyone is out to use them.

So if you find a good person, be honest with them and never lie to them no matter how bad you think it will hurt them. 

The Tales of a Narcissists : Online Dating

Ever found or caught yourself for falling for someone you thought was real but wasn't real? Don't worry I have multiple times and I am here to tell you that its not for the weak.

I met a guy about two years ago who said he was everything but he wasn't. The way I met him was strange and I kind of really regret it. He basically took my peace and happiness and caused so much emotional damage, gaslighted me, used my weakness against me, manipulated me and so much more not counting took the love and time I gave, and all the games that I bought him so that we had something to play which was well over $200 in which it didn't and doesn't even matter I was in love supposedly but I got scammed also he never really bought me anything like 3 games or so but I bought him over 10 but anyways here it goes.

I was playing a video game called Dauntless about September in like 2020. There was a pair that was playing well and I add random people in the game just because if I like your playstyle then I tend to play with you later but that is were I screwed up.

So I add him and his supposedly girlfriend of 9 years ( he recently said they weren't together the whole 9 years.) in which they supposedly NEVER met or called but they exchanged pictures...and private ones in that matter. He lives in the states she supposedly lives in the other continent but she was in the states due to COVID she got stuck in the states ( he recently said she lives there in NY but not sure.) and she went to see her family and never went to visit him supposedly but there's more and it will drop down after the explanation of how I got tied up. 30 minutes to an hour goes by this guy reaches out telling me he needs me to tell the girl or whoever it was that he was sorry to unblock him he didn't mean to and this that the other and me with the big heart was like okay not thinking he was a total dirt bag and deserved it. I messaged her in dauntless and got her discord and his discord and basically was the bridge between them trying to fix everything for them not even thinking what was happening or what was going on, I was just trying to be nice and save something that was not worth saving.

She messages me all the things that he basically did since he was a jealous prick and basically said that he acts like you needs you but he doesn't really need you and all this other stuff words of her own "He will act like he needs you but then doesn't." I finally understand what she meant it and then she unfriended me and deletes me and then he is sitting there like a dingle berry "hello."

Months goes by and said guy and me start talking and he seemed like a nice guy and I started to get attached to him and wanted a relationship since things in my life were rocking and my husband and I was taking a break and separated in which he knew this and the husband knew what was going on I kept him in the loop and he was there  for me every step of the way and picked me back up each time I was hurt and dried my eyes each time in which it made me realize that the guy I met online was and is nothing to the guy that I married even if we had our issues and problems, Everything I went through allowed me to reconnect and be able to hem my marriage to the point I am enjoying it more and we are actually working together on things instead of it being one sided.

But anyways I tried the relationship and was liking it until 6 months later boy was I wrong. This guy drug me through it for two years! {It is now 2022 and I just blocked him again. I am not giving him any more chances but I had a big heart. I basically gave him and made time for him every day for 2 years. I heard nothing but excuses. I heard nothing but lies, and reasons he said his phone was crap, he could not hear, his phone sucked, his phone was garbage, his phone was this and that and the other but yet he did call on it but barely. He supposedly got a new one and still never called barely sent photos, and would not video chat.  He supposedly has mental issues but then again I'm not judging but it did not make sense how were you on social media talking to people randomly as you state but left me waiting on you daily. The photos that he seemed off and things just did not line up.

I ask for pictures and it was an excuse after excuse he wouldn't send me one but then again I had to basically argue him down for a picture. He never called or when he did it was for a few minutes and then he hangs up. He would say us arguing and fighting would be the cause of it but I was never arguing it or fighting. He basically didn't bother talking to me but rather discord and text or steam message the whole time and he barely did that. He would jump on discord to talk to "friends" but I am starting to believe its not all friends. He basically told me him and said girl broke up but they did not and here I am in a relationship with him thinking he was mine but he was still hers and like a stupid I took him back just for a block and delete fest that was filled of nothing but heartache, headaches, assuming and blaming. I got blamed and accused of so many things that I just gave up trying to correct everything and let him believe everything he was trying to accuse me of and then I block him an delete him but my stupid big heart wouldn't allow me to keep him block and here he comes the walking trash can more trauma more lies more bullshit. My husband and I at the time took a split for reasons and this is how this happened but don't worry he was there the whole time and I have all the screen shots because I could not believe it for myself.

He got mad that I was playing with other people that I was playing a different game and everything else it was like he was trying to control me but then again I could not be controlled.  He got mad that she responded close to someone basically touching. He made up lies about how she would ghost him for 30 minutes because she had a sibling in which we think it was her child she had to take care of and she didn't reply but yet it was actually him not replying and blaming the other person for his action. I called him out on a lot of that.

During the months he was trying to swindle me into loving him in which he did because I have attachment issues but he sent a picture of her one where she was chubby outside of a place that looked like the walls have been photoshop and another one of her skinny in a bathroom with the same exact floor tiles that he has in his said share apartment. He shares his apartment with roommates and they are loud when trying to game. Oh he does have a headset he barely uses that his friend bought him oh wait they are broken now along with his old laptop that he would never clean that kept over heating and messed up the graphics card but he could of prevented it if he would have listened but he didn't and now he has a new laptop and phone but uses the laptop to game and in one game you have to use the mic called Phasmophobia to contact the spirit to get them to talk through the spirit box so he uses his inbuilt mic.

He left me before Christmas, came back around the 5th of January and then messaged before Valentines asking said husband how he and the lady was and trying to wish a happy valentines. He missed my whole birthday on the 27th of January. He didn't even care after reminding him and everything else and that really hurt. He was the one who deleted me saying it was to much and he couldn't handle it. Not to mention I got called garbage by him, I got called a bitch and if a woman is doing something that he does not like, they are a whore or a bitch or whatever. He doesn't like stretch marks but I have kids and he fat shammed me but it didn't bother me cause I am happy with how I am.

My own friends do not like him and told me to run from him and never look back no matter how hurt I am nor how much I loved him it is only going to get worst and guess what it got worst and now I finally feel like I don't need him, I am numb to the pain, and I am loosing love but he always comes back saying how much he loves me and I don't believe him and I tell him and he complains how I don't believe his word and this was all last night and we are in April now.

Everything he was doing, or has done he would never take the blame but always told everyone that it was the other person who did it. He does not believe anything that is said or told but he then says its the other person who doesn't and its just a mess. He can stay where he is and I am staying where I am. I get tired of it and unfriended and block him but I couldn't do it and unblock him because I seen how she did him and I kept feeling sorry and the love and attachment I had for him and I didn't want to be that person but I end up having to be for my peace.

He says I am just like her and then I say your the reason then he said I am not like her and then all this kind of stuff he compared me and her a lot. He blames me for his mental illness and depression but I was no were around and then he does and says I had that before I met you and she gave it to me and this that the other and then he goes saying he's antisocial but yet he talks to so many people but makes excuses on why he can't talk to me. He then goes to blame me why he can't talk to me and then goes and say its his mental in which he doesn't go to his doctor for it and doesn't answer their phone call just like mine at the beginning I called about 58 times cause he was trying to use the suicide card which he does a lot and then says I will stop and doesn't he still does it to get his way or what he wants.

He just watched the phone die and didn't bother. There were so many red flags not to mention oh he threw up that he didn't talk to his "ex" but then he came back and say we talk every month or so like what in the actual living hell was that. If he is lying about that, I don't know what else he is lying about. In my opinion he is really obsessed over anyone who gives him time or day or basically anything that he wants.

He also basically belittles those around, especially females if he can't have his way or they point out things that he does. I took 100% accountability of my actions but he would never take accountability of his. I took accountability of deleting and blocking him, I took accountability to making sure I was always there and around but its like when ever I wanted to take things slow and be friends first but he always wanted to rush it or it felt rush and I would bring it up and he says he wasn't but it always felt that way.

He asked me why was I the way I was and it was because I was trying to be an actual girlfriend to some jerk who didn't accept it nor it felt like I was wanted and I was always trying to talk and be there like normal girlfriends do in relationships and it was like I felt like I wasn't even there and he didn't want me like he said.

He supposedly ignored me for three hours and then messaged and decided he wanted to go to a friend's house and I told him I was not going to be there when he gets back and then blocked his number, deleted him off discord and steam.

It always seemed he ignored me, he was always in game or on discord and not talking to me but talking to others and I tell him how I felt he tells me he's not talking to anyone and it's just on just to be on but when I message its like 15 minutes or hours before he even notices I am there.

He tells me he's attached to me and loves me to death but there is no way of him showing it. Not to mention I was in the hospital dealing with my health and he was only concerned if I was going to be able to game or not.

He also tried to manipulate me as in my feelings didn't matter but his did and I didn't matter nothing with me mattered only him he was the only thing that mattered and it doesn't matter what was happening in my life so I then started to gain my distance and started loosing feelings.

We would always come back trying to work things out for nothing to change and everything to be the same but it is not worth it. Every time something happens I was to blame and I got tired of it. I got tired of going to bed every night asking myself why did it happen, what happened, why did it fail since I have so much love and time spent into it trying to make it work just for it not to.

My own friends do not like him and told me to run from him and never look back no matter how hurt I am nor how much I loved him it is only going to get worst and guess what it got worse and now I finally feel like I don't need him, I am numb to the pain, and I am losing love but he always comes back saying how much he loves me and I don't believe him and I tell him and he complains how I don't believe his word and this was all last night and we are in April now. Also he wanted to settle down supposedly and have a family but yet he doesn't even try to talk and then blames and say its me, I'm lying and all of this kind of stuff when I still have screenshots in which it is a great idea to keep receipts of everything just to show hey look they did this and said this so that way it is proof.

I also got fat shamed because they could not handle their own actions. 

Yeah, I counting my Ls and picking up the pieces of my heart and gonna kept pushing.

Dating online sucks a lot, I can say this because recently I just got out of an online relationship due to I got tired of the drama, assuming, blaming, pointing fingers, the lies, the not believing me, basically not being the person they started out as or the one that they basically protruded themselves to be. The person would make excuses after excuses just to leave and then come back like everything was fine. I would have to basically beg them to send pictures of themselves so that I could actually see who I was suppose to be with.

They said their "ex" he said they broke up but he hangs with her and she bought him pizza and so much more but he said he hasn’t touched her or anything sexual but honestly I feel that was not true that they have. I could tell there was a connection between the two but he kept being denial and denying everything even  though my gut was telling me and it is hardly ever wrong. I found out that he cheated on both of us with each other in which I still believe he is with said ex because he lied to me about them saying that they don't talk but then came back saying they talk every now and again. In which that is how I found said guy. He done something she didn't like and basically I was on her friends list and he freaked out at me saying he needs help to get her back and tell her I'm sorry this that the other.

I wanted to let him go and I tell him to go do what he wants and he kept saying he wanted to be with me but he was always quiet towards me and always on discord and playing other games. He said he was on discord because of others in which before he brought up his "special friend" in which was his ex and then he said it was for his roomies. We never really talked on discord and he would hardly ever answer my texts it would be minutes and hours between each one. So I felt like he was ignoring me but he was reinsuring he wasn't but then go off just like he said how she did him. He said she left him for 30 minutes a day to do things she needed to but yet he did it to me. I felt like I wasn't there and every time I confronted him he say I'm not ignoring you blah blah blah and then make status like slow day or put something on there to basically get others attention. I decided to delete him and he would throw a hissy over it even though I told him we don't even use it and we don't chat on it but he wanted to argue on it even through I basically told him I don't use it much, we don't talk on it but then he would say why would you delete me on something we talk on but we don't we text. Hardly text, it would sometimes be hours till I hear from him.

If you can go hours, days, weeks, months, a year without talking to them and you say you love them and you miss them then you don't really. If you love someone, you would try and show it instead of making them feel ignored like they are not there.

The sad part is I told him, everyone leaves me, and he promised he wouldn't be like them but then again he lied about everything else just so I would "believe him" and "buy the lies" just so I could be hurt more.

I even told him to leave me alone and he wouldn't. He stopped texting me but messages me on discord like I wanted to talk to him telling me I texted him leave me alone but he decided to message me on discord.

He made smart remarks and that is how I deleted him this time because I was so tired of it. Lately I have been asking myself what went wrong, what did I do wrong, why did he try to hurt me? I haven't done anything to anyone but I fell for him and that is the only thing I done wrong.

I admit to deleting him multiple times since it was the only thing that would make him talk, make him react, he wouldn't react, reply, answer my calls or anything really until I had enough and tell him we were done but apparently us being done to me is different than being done to him.

He won't even answer his doctors call and complains about them calling but then told me they call after hours or he was sleeping, they wait to call when he's away from the phone. That's another thing, he never slept during the night really. He would say up doing whatever it was he does like before we met and then sleeps all day expecting me to stay up with him. Oh and there is no talking about feelings or anything since they don't matter but only his does. He does things, and I brought it up to get closure and then he says I am in the past in which it could of happen yesterday and still be bothering me or on my mind and he would never answer why or talk about it.

It has been a good two days and I have not heard from him but I did find out he blocked me everywhere which is okay with me. It hurts but I will get over it.

But then again he did message reaching out telling me he loved me and did call but then again a few days ago, I told him again I was letting him go and then he sent some sappy stuff like he loved me and missed me and then got called heartless because I gave him a proper goodbye and I even told him to leave me alone and I don't want him in my life anymore and I do not want anything else to do with him multiple times but he said I did not and told he I will forever be blocked even in the afterlife in which I doubt he blocked everything of mine because he texted and then hours later he said he wasn't alone anymore and his special one said thank you because cause apparently they were going to try to get together but and it didn't work out then he would still have his friends and her friends and I told him good for him and thanks for saying I made you feel lonely after all the times I tried to be there and I came back at him with the its okay, I am going to give someone else a try someone who has been there and cared for me and blocked his number. He has yet tried to reach out at that time on discord which isn't blocked but we are not friends.

He is blocked basically everywhere else though. He also called me trashy and garbage because he could not accept how I was feeling and respect me but then thought I was jealous since the special friend is there with him and I brought up kind of like how he's jealous of how my said husband is here taking care of me because I do have health issues and he has picked me up every time the other guy hurt me.  Even though me and him did take a break but I came to realize through all of this, it made us stronger and allowed me to open up and made me fix our marriage more.

Lately I been feeling more alive and not like I am suffocating than I did with him since I don't have to worry over someone who never loved me and never worried over me who basically was gaslighting me and led me on thinking there was something there but then the truth slipped and I got the closure I have been trying to get for a little while now.

DO NOT LET LOVE DO THIS TO YOU. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER AND PLEASE IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ME IN THIS POSITION PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE IT IS NOT HEALTHY. ALSO ONLINE DATING IS NOT FOR EVERYONE AND WE WERE SUPPOSEDLY GONNA MEET UP BUT I DECIDED TO RUN AND NEVER COME BACK NO MATTER HOW HARD OR BAD IT FEEL I AM PROTECTING ME AND MY PEACE. YOU HAD SOMEONE WHO BASICALLY WANTED TO BE WITH YOU BUT YOU LOST THEM. If they are doing this and you re-add them they feel they can keep doing it and lose respect for you as a person.