Here we go again...

The depression feeling is starting to comeback after so many years I pulled myself out of it. I feel let down.

 For months I asked for help around the house to do the things I cannot and am not supposed to do such as lift drywall, move the house around and other things but no.

 I was told I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it and if never got done.

 You quit your job stating oh I'm going to help before your other job comes in which they changed your start date to a later day. I'm going to do it and it's never done. 

For your wife to ask you multiple times to help get it fixed or do it and you repeatedly let me down but then when I bring it up I get nothing but excuses is exhausting. I am tired of having to ask repeatedly and expecting it to be done. 

Years and I do mean years since our anniversary is literally the 29th of March I had high hopes and expectation of but just as always they are let down and it sucks. My concerns mean nothing to you and they don't even bother you. 

I just get hit with the it's okay and the it'll be fine but no it's not fine and I'm tired of the one sided. I'm tired of your lies and empty promises. I'm tired of this "love" thing but yet don't even bother doing anything you say your going to do until it is relevant to you or something is going to happen. I'm sick of it. Its like I don't even matter only what you can get and so you don't be alone. 

You really do the bare minimum and that is it. We barely go anywhere. We haven't been on vacation since we got married. We haven't done anything you promised. I am just so tired of worrying and stressing while you're over there doing your own thing acting like my concerns don't bother you. Marriage isn't supposed to be nor feel like this. I  feel this way everyday or night. I should definitely not have the burden feeling I get that makes me feel hopeless in our marriage because my concerns and you lie to me. 

And another thing, I'm sick of the reassurance. I'm tired of reassuring you. It's like you know your not good enough and I have to always reassure you and I'm tired of it. It's the always you can replace me this that the other but yet you won't do anything I asked nor even bother and then when I get tired of it and end up leaving I'm the bad guy and get yelled at because you won't do anything to even change. Narcissist at its finest.

Empty Promises

 After awhile, a person becomes numb to empty promises. When a person say and promises they are going to do something but they end up not doing it and your expectations lowers and lowers every promise that they do not do, you end up getting use to them saying they are going to do it and end up doing nothing in which you end up getting your hopes up and end up being crushed making it so you have to end up doing it and making plans of having to fix what they said they were going to do. 

Another thing is being said but it is so empty. Getting fed up with everything and eventually you end up taking over and trying to do everything without letting the other know until it is done because expecting them to do it just makes you feel empty. 

Having expectations of a person or the man of the house just for them to not even hold their weight but come up with every excuse and reason why they shouldn't while you juggle 36 different things from your kids, to bills to making sure the house is good to making sure your health is good to making sure everything is working great and correctly to making sure that everything is working and going smoothly and if something happens you end up trying to fix it. 

This causes a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of silent cries and just a lot of strain on your body and health trying to be this picture perfect but in reality it just tears you down to the point you no longer want to do it anymore. 

You no longer want to be in a marriage where everything looks great with a fake smile juggling everything including the empty promises and emotions along with the weight of the man or woman you supposedly love who promised to do everything they can and said they would but only does the bare minimum or none at all leaving it all for you to end up doing because we all know they are not. 

This can be projected on men or it can be projected on women. This can be a perspective of anyone because anyone can leave broken promises. I know this feeling all to well and honestly, it is a tiring feeling. I done cried all the tears I can along with I done tried, I done screamed, I done showed so much how it bothers me just for nothing to happen but the excuse of I'm to tired or I'll do it later and it gets done months later with the "I forgot." even though I just brought it up and brought it up again and don't let me say I have to do something because it turns into they will do it and guess what, the same thing happens. 

Empty Shell Poem

Alone.. broken... empty
Nothing but emotions
bundling up and hitting me
nothing but tiredness and
stress nothing at all
my feelings hurt
my emotions are
trying to show
I'm lost.. confused
hurt and broken
my life is coming
together and the truth
is out, along with the
air that is clear...everything
is coming to light from the
dark everything is coming
undone and being put back
like stitches.. the stitches
only hurt for a while but in
the end it gets put back together
hoping it one day will heal
and never be broken again...
again... is a strong word
just like love and trust
just like the words that
are taken to heart that
makes you whole or
makes you crumble
as you sit there trying to
stay strong and hold it all
it tears you apart limb from
limb as you try to walk away
you slowly turn to dust and fade
just as if your just a memory alone
with being a broken empty shell.