If I would have known...

 If I known what I knew then, I would move differently. I would of never settled and I would of done better. It is to the point I am tired of trying. I am tired of asking and damn well near begging for better. We never go on family vacations anymore. 

We never get to do anything. You always come up with some kind of excuse and I would always keep feeding into it. You're excuses have all but ran dry. It is to the point I am no longer happy anymore. You keep coming up with excuses one after another after another hoping, I would stop talking about it or change the subject. You make excuses to the point I am sick of hearing them.

 There is no reason at your grown age you keep lying. There is no reason at your grown age you trying to "comfort" with lies and then make it seem like everyone else is what you say they are when you pretty much are lying to me. 

The only time we actually spend together when you're not working is when you are asleep and I say up all-night trying to decide how to get the house fix or what I can do better and try to get things done while struggling and juggling my health even though you say you'll do it and all of a sudden months and months pass by to the point you don't even do it but yet when I mention it again, oh I'm hurting or oh I'm swelling, my gout is kicking in or oh my hands and feet are swelling in which when I asked you they weren't then but then suddenly its another excuse after another.

You tell me, I deserve better. You tell me so many different things but then when I recant it you tell me oh I did not say that, I must of been asleep or act like you didn't say that. 

I actually do deserve better. I do not deserve the years of things you done. I do not deserve the way you say one thing but then do another and use every excuse just because. I am a human being with needs and feelings. When a person gets tired enough, they will walk away. They will leave and it doesn't matter how much it kills them or hurts them inside.

There is more to a marriage and relationship then just love. It is about trust and to prove to the other person that you are worth it and that they are not wasting their time. 

I vowed to love you through sickness and in health but its to the point, I am no longer taking care of myself. I am no longer feeling like the person I use to be. I feel like I lost myself when I made a commitment to a person who barely even bothers but yet changed but yet its still like they could careless. I asked for months for help around the house but yet I get the excuse, one after another after another and I no longer want to live this way. 

I am releasing everything that no longer serves a purpose to me. I am getting rid of anyone who wasted my time and instead of nourishing me used me. I refuse to care anymore. I refuse to give myself to those who only want to use me. 

You're so insecure

 

You're so insecure about yourself that you basically reflect it on me. You are so insecure that you have to ask me if you penis size is big enough or that you have to make sure that I am not leaving because of everything that you did and honestly I am sick and tired of you asking me the same questions everyday.

 It has been a up and down thing for 8 years and I am tired of it. Everyday I have to ask the same question and its old. I am tired of answering it. I am tired of it all. You're so worried about someone else and others around that you are starting to seem like a narcissist. 

It's like I don't even get time to myself, I can't even go to the bathroom without you being on top of me and I need my space to breathe.  You bring up you always let me go with you but I need my space, you are crowding me and I want my personal time but it is like I cannot have that and I want that. 

Everyday since being sick, I asked you to do things but you still sit in the chair and do the bare minimum. I have asked you to do things months ago and it is still not done so apparently you are worried about me leaving but won't even do the things I asked you to do. 

Yeah, you always want something from me, but you barely do anything but get mad when I call you out on it for lying... this no longer makes me happy... 

LET GO! SOMETIMES IT'S BEST!

 Sometimes, it is best to let go of those you love but you can tell that they don't love you by the way they act and treating you.

They act like you are always going to be there, call you names, treat you horribly, say things you want to hear but none of it is true all while treating your like you barely exist and or a second opinion. 

They believe they can treat you any kind of way and manipulate you until you finally have had enough and leave. That is where the shocker becomes to them, they think you would never leave and you believe everything that they say.  They will make it seem like you are the bad guy and try everything to make you feel like you did something and make you feel worthless when in actuality you are not worthless and you have done nothing wrong. 

It is all them trying to manipulate you into thinking this and they will end up making it seem like no one wants you and try to keep you away from your friends and family but this is not true it is a ploy so they can keep you to themselves without having eyes and having those that care about you tell you what they are doing and try to intervene in the "relationship" in anyway. 

A way to spot this is by the way they sound and the tone that they use when you are going out with friends and family and or them getting mad and jealous over you when you decide to do something for yourself. 

A healthy relationship will not have the jealousy or will try to keep you to themselves, they will allow your friends and family to be around and not try to manipulate you into thinking anything bad or feeling any kind of way other than happy and loved. 

If you feel you are taking so much out of you time worried about what others are doing to the point you are "stalking" them because they deleted you or you deleted them because of the consequence of their actions and threating you horribly. 

Don't put yourself through this. It will hurt but it is best to let go and move on and start living to yourself because eventually the right person will come along and help you and love you the way you will need to be loved without hesitation and the lying and everything else the prier relationship has caused and as always talk to your partner, give boundaries and let them know everything that you been through and open up to them because sometimes that is what we need to do for those to understand us and our journey. 

Sometimes its best to let family go also, they do not see the best for you and only will make you miserable because you are doing things you want to and living your life all while they are miserable themselves.

Also, let go of the past, the past is not the present, use the past as a lesson and continue to move on. The past also does not define who you are so let it go. The past only made you stronger so do not let it hold you back. 

This is not a relationship, It is captivity

 

If a person is doing nothing but making excuses and trying to make you feel bad about yourself, they are not into you and they are not for you. A person who loves you and is into you would never try to make you feel bad and will always do things for you. 

They will not mouth off, make you question things, act like they love you for you when actuality you are not their type and blame you for everything and make excuses and give you reasons that are not even true of why they do things. 

They will not leave you on a cliff hanger and tell you all the things that you want to hear just to keep you dragging along behind them. Don't worry they are good at saying everyone else is doing things when it is them and try to manipulate you into believing them. 

They won't give you any attention and make it seem like it is your fault when you have not done anything to them nor to deserve this. They would rather give their attention to everyone else besides you and when you ask or want to talk about it, they will get mad and tell you not to bother them and makes up reasons and excuses but when you finally get tired, had enough and leave, then they will come back complaining, talking about they do love you, they do miss you when actually they only miss the things you did and the company that you gave them. 

They don't care about you, it is all a game to them. No matter how many times they seem to want to fix it, they really don't. They just want to get what they can get from you and use you to the point that you break and you cannot even heal yourself, nor recognize what is going on.

Why does apologies mean nothing?

Apologies mean nothing if nothing changes. If it keeps happening over and over and over and you bring up points and try to explain and point out what's happening and what's going wrong and ways that you can fix it and they don't even put in the effort to fix it but keep saying sorry but it keeps happening then they aren't trying to fix it. They are saying sorry to get you to hush about it and stop bring it up cause they don't want to deal with it. 

They will blame you, make excuses on why they can't do something or why it keeps happening and it is just going to be a huge loop over and over and over and eventually you will become tired of it draining you mentally and physically and then you will end up having to figure out how to escape and when you try to, they will make it seem like everything is your fault and get mad because you can see right through them and see through everything they told you and all kinds of things that don't add up.  You can confront them about it but they will call you names and then give you reasons and just be the ultimately shitty person. 

They will try fill you in with sappy things to make it seem like they are genuine then switch up on you and keep doing it over and over again and no they are not sorry and they don't mean the apology. They will just keep doing it over and over again just to try to keep you trap so they can continue to break you down and take your happiness from you make it feel like you are the one in the wrong that you are worthless and oh you can't have fun without them. They will also tell all their friends and those around you that its your fault and you did it all and they won't even tell them what they did for the reaction. They will isolate you and make you feel alone and like they are the only thing that is good for you. 

Be careful with these kinds of people. It can only get worst and it totally does. While your trying to get them to talk to you while they are busy entertaining other people and giving you reasons and excuses of why they are doing something and why they won't talk to you but blame you for the reaction that you are giving because they basically made you the way you are and the cold hearted person you became because you did nothing but gave them time, care, love, compassion, made sure to make them a priority  in your life all while they pick and choose when to make you one in theirs and then can't even give you a full good 5 minutes before having to jump into a game or talk to someone else but you be sure to quickly reply before they get mad all while they don't even reply for 10-30 minutes later and sometimes hours or even the next day.

 Oh they will also blame a mental illness and do everything they said they can't do with you with someone else and then say they will unalive themselves if you call them out or confront them about it and then say you make them depressed and all kinds of things but then they will also blame it on something or someone else and if you do something then they will say its you who causes them depression and hurt them when in actuality they are doing it and reflecting it to make it seem like you are doing it. 

Yeah if your relationship is like this. It is defiantly not a relationship they are just keeping you there to keep using your energy, joy, love and care and time so you can't find anyone else and they can make it feel like you are the only one and they are the only one for you when in actuality they are playing your feelings like a fool and they don't care about you nor your time nor love they only care about what you can give.