Am I Garbage ?

 I got called garbage again for not catering to his lies. I got called garbage for the 3rd time because he could not handle me for me. The joking me. I got called garbage and told I have a shit life because he said I don't do anything but break people in which it's not true.

 I have kids to take care of while he's all the way on the Pacific coast playing games all day and coming up with excuses and lies.

 Lies and excuses of why he can't do anything. Why he can't call, video chat and or send photos like he says he has social anxiety but can talk to his friends but when I decide to disappear its like he gets mad. 

I decided it was not worth it anymore and ended everything. He has done this for the past two years and it's becoming worst and worst. It got to the point I could not be myself without having to worry if he's gonna be mad. 

He was really manipulative and basically tried to hurt me daily. He never really showed me any attention but always gave it to others.

It was like I had to force everything. It was like he wanted to try to control what I did and do and I just would not let him. Every time he left I start questioning myself and trying to figure out the cause of it all but then a few days I would become happy but then it hits me because I cared so much it would kind of hurt but then after a few weeks to a month I would be okay and it's like he knows it because he would always come back and try to and it happens all over again except this time.

Are you in a Toxic relationship?

 They only call you toxic when you find out the truth that they were hiding and lying about. When you have that gut feeling that something isn't right and they keep trying to tell you that it's not what it seems, you are overthinking, your insecure that it's all on you because you have trust issues from your past and it's causing you not to trust. 

What they don't know, is that the lies they fed you and made you try to believe is what your exes have pulled and you became wise from it. You observe everything around you and take notes of how they are doing and what they are doing. You start to see similarities and you realize they are doing everything your exes are doing just in a different way and pattern. 

You decide to break off but your heart hurts because you trusted them to be different. You gave them all your love, your time and care just for this to happen. 

You take a break for a while and decide to give them the benefit of the doubt thinking that it's not like that they were right that you were overthinking but then you realize it is a trap and you got tangled into their spiderweb and it is getting worst and worst nothing is going the way they say it would.

 They lied multiple times to cover up and then trying again to make you believe the lie they told that its not true that you're just making things up but this time, you seen it with your own two eyes and so you leave and never come back. 

Block their number, social media and go no contact but then there is going to be this thought of what ifs and it will make you want to reach out but DON'T DO IT! It only will set you up for trouble and to get hurt again.

Eventually the pain you feel will stop and you will find someone who is loyal and will accept everything you have been through and put you first for everything. You will find that special person to be there for you through it all and willing to go through everything with you no matter the good nor the bad they are there for it all. 

But until you find your person be sure to heal, and give yourself a lot of self love, self care and support yourself.  

Why does apologies mean nothing?

Apologies mean nothing if nothing changes. If it keeps happening over and over and over and you bring up points and try to explain and point out what's happening and what's going wrong and ways that you can fix it and they don't even put in the effort to fix it but keep saying sorry but it keeps happening then they aren't trying to fix it. They are saying sorry to get you to hush about it and stop bring it up cause they don't want to deal with it. 

They will blame you, make excuses on why they can't do something or why it keeps happening and it is just going to be a huge loop over and over and over and eventually you will become tired of it draining you mentally and physically and then you will end up having to figure out how to escape and when you try to, they will make it seem like everything is your fault and get mad because you can see right through them and see through everything they told you and all kinds of things that don't add up.  You can confront them about it but they will call you names and then give you reasons and just be the ultimately shitty person. 

They will try fill you in with sappy things to make it seem like they are genuine then switch up on you and keep doing it over and over again and no they are not sorry and they don't mean the apology. They will just keep doing it over and over again just to try to keep you trap so they can continue to break you down and take your happiness from you make it feel like you are the one in the wrong that you are worthless and oh you can't have fun without them. They will also tell all their friends and those around you that its your fault and you did it all and they won't even tell them what they did for the reaction. They will isolate you and make you feel alone and like they are the only thing that is good for you. 

Be careful with these kinds of people. It can only get worst and it totally does. While your trying to get them to talk to you while they are busy entertaining other people and giving you reasons and excuses of why they are doing something and why they won't talk to you but blame you for the reaction that you are giving because they basically made you the way you are and the cold hearted person you became because you did nothing but gave them time, care, love, compassion, made sure to make them a priority  in your life all while they pick and choose when to make you one in theirs and then can't even give you a full good 5 minutes before having to jump into a game or talk to someone else but you be sure to quickly reply before they get mad all while they don't even reply for 10-30 minutes later and sometimes hours or even the next day.

 Oh they will also blame a mental illness and do everything they said they can't do with you with someone else and then say they will unalive themselves if you call them out or confront them about it and then say you make them depressed and all kinds of things but then they will also blame it on something or someone else and if you do something then they will say its you who causes them depression and hurt them when in actuality they are doing it and reflecting it to make it seem like you are doing it. 

Yeah if your relationship is like this. It is defiantly not a relationship they are just keeping you there to keep using your energy, joy, love and care and time so you can't find anyone else and they can make it feel like you are the only one and they are the only one for you when in actuality they are playing your feelings like a fool and they don't care about you nor your time nor love they only care about what you can give.