Childhood trauma

 I suffer from a lot of anxiety. I also have a hormone imbalance that plays a factor in it along with having to attempt to be perfect as a child. It was like I had to please my father growing up. I had to do everything he said to a tee to make sure that he was not mad or going to yell at us. 

 Everything had to be done his way or the way he wanted and my mother would cover up for us if something happened or went wrong. Truthfully, their marriage still does not feel the greatest nor the happiest. 

Going to visit them every so often feels like its in shambles and everything is rocky because its like you cannot be your own person there, you have to be of his image and the way he wants and a lot of things he disapproves of like piercings and tattoos and hair dying and certain hair styles along with sexuality and he talks about people when they are overweight and pretty much not doing things he prefers or if someone is not working.  I in fact hid my sexuality and my mother even questioned about it in which, I am bi-sexual and my bother he is either bi-sexual or gay we cannot determine for sure but we are leaning on the bi-sexual but still. 

My mother is and always was an accepting woman and still is. She does not care as she always states its your life, do what you please. 

 Growing up, I would spend a lot of time outside instead of in the house because it was like everything I did was a displease. I would play with my toys but at a certain time, we had to clean it up so that it would not be everywhere when he got home even though we were still playing with them. To keep tension down and keep everyone happy.

I felt like my childhood trauma plays a big emotional abuse factor in my life because now, I try my best to make sure everything is squared away and I tried to people please to make them happy when they are irrelevant to me. 

They don't even matter in my life and I have learned that it does not matter what they say or think, this is my life and they do not have to be in it. 

I do not have to be surrounded by people that tries to munch off of me and take everything from me, I definitely do not need anyone judgmental of me and expects me to change my life to please them.

 I definitely do not need to live my life in their foot steps or try to be this tippy toppy person that I am not. You never know how much your trauma will eventually change your life and causing issues to occur to the point that it suffocates you and tries to force you into this unhappy person to where you are trying to please others and make sure that nothing is wrong. Well nothing can be right all the time and life throws things your way to help you grow even if you are not ready for it. 

Not everyone is suppose to be in your life, and you cannot please everyone so choose wisely on how you go about this. 

I would also often panic and have anxiety attacks over being a mom and over thinking and everything else when in fact, I am not a perfect mom. If you or anyone comes over, yes there are going to be toys laying around, there are going to be little hand prints from paint in certain places, there are going to be memories in my home whether it is on paper or on the walls. There are going to be little things here and there. Clothes may not be folded, the clothes hamper may be full, the counters may have stuff on them but I am not a bad mom because of this. 

My kids are loved, my kids have clothes on their backs, they are eating and never go hungry, they are playing, they are living. They are not growing up and suffering like I did. They do not have to worry about this or that or being fussed at for even wanting to play or just because they are kids. My kids gets everything they need. 

My kids do not have to suffer like I did. If there is something wrong or they are sick, they go on to the doctor unlike I did. I often feel like I am not a good enough mother. I often feel like I did not do enough I battle with myself a lot because of this but the truth is, I am a great mother. My kids are getting the things that they need the most. They are getting the time, the care, the love that they need. 

My kids do know their chores and knows when it is time to clean up everything. They also help around the house. They do not have the constant fear of doing something wrong. They do not have the anxiety that I went through nor the pain and suffering. My views are way different then my parents views.

 I do not hit my child just because they did something wrong. I do not hit my child at all. A child is a child, yes you discipline them but you can do so without yelling at them and getting in their face. You do not need to be hitting and beating on them. You can put them in time outs and take things away from them such as the things that they enjoy such as a tablet or TV time or video games. 

A child did not cause you the bad day that you had at work. A child is not someone you come home and relieve your anger on just because they did something at home and you had a bad day at work. I went through this multiple times and honestly it sucks because when you are a kid, you don't know why they are like this and then you are trying to grow and learn wrong from right and it is like everything you do is wrong. 

My dad, now that I am a mom myself tried to push his way of parenting on me and that went right out the window. I would rather my kid actually stay in a kids place instead of being beat and being forced to do things quicker and earlier. 

My kids also has autism and its like he did not understand at first and only was trying to push things he was taught but then after awhile, he started coming around and realizing the way he was taught was wrong along with the way he parented and now he does not bother giving parenting advice. 

 My mother also noted that he was always at work at the time of us growing up so he does not fully understand and grasp being a parent. He would go to work, come home frustrated with his job, find out we did something wrong and then beat us with his belt and then from there he would eat, go to bed and repeat. 

It is okay to be different in this world. It is not okay to be forced to feel like you have to be similar and have to be the same as everyone else. It is okay to be yourself. If you have suffered some of the things that I have went through then you know how hard it is to try to make friends. You know how easy it is to withdraw from people and isolate yourself. You know what it is like to try to people please due to fear and anxiety in which can also lead to guilt.

 Going through any kind of trauma will change a person. Going through any kind of abuse will also change a person. It can also bring a lot of anger as the person grows up and can cause a lot of PTSD because of what they been through and honestly, it is okay to feel the way you feel. 

 You have every right to feel that way but in the end, do not let it stop you from becoming the person you want to be even though it will be hard, you have to forgive them and grow from that to become better. Don't sit around with built up anger and don't let it run you and rule you. You can grow from it, it is going to take time but in the end, you never know who you may end up becoming. 

Manipulative energy

 Manipulative energy is an energy that will try to manipulate you into doing whatever it is that they want even if you don't want to. It can cause to you be mentally and physically drained. They can tell you a story and make you feel whatever emotion they want you to feel. 

They will also use what you say and how you feel to reflect how they feel and say. It is a mind game. You tell them how you feel about something they will down play it and make it seem like you are doing it. Everything thing they do to you they will reflect it and make it seem like you done it to them so there is no reason to even bother with it cause they are out to hurt you even though they say they are not. Cautious around them and never tell them everything cause they won't tell you everything.

They can even bring up the trauma that they have supposedly been through to get you to care and show sympathy which then they know that you will care for them no matter what and make you trapped and it does not matter what they say to you even if it makes no sense they will still tell it hoping you believe every word of it. Sometimes the stories that they tell make kind of sense and then some of it makes no sense at all so you pick and choose which one to believe. 

If you don't know how to tell when they are lying, look at their body language and if you don't know how to do that; Are they looking you into your eyes telling you this or are they looking all over the place and you can tell they are lying? Is their voice clear or is it cracking while trying to tell this? Are they talking really quickly trying to get it out? Ask them questions about it. If a person is quickly to stop the conversation about it they will try not to answer all your questions or even avoid them and not bother answering them. 

They will end up trying to turn everyone they can against you anyway they can and it is just best to leave these kinds of people along. It is never going to end good and they are just going to hurt you more and more and not care. 

The Tales of a Narcissists : Online Dating

Ever found or caught yourself for falling for someone you thought was real but wasn't real? Don't worry I have multiple times and I am here to tell you that its not for the weak.

I met a guy about two years ago who said he was everything but he wasn't. The way I met him was strange and I kind of really regret it. He basically took my peace and happiness and caused so much emotional damage, gaslighted me, used my weakness against me, manipulated me and so much more not counting took the love and time I gave, and all the games that I bought him so that we had something to play which was well over $200 in which it didn't and doesn't even matter I was in love supposedly but I got scammed also he never really bought me anything like 3 games or so but I bought him over 10 but anyways here it goes.

I was playing a video game called Dauntless about September in like 2020. There was a pair that was playing well and I add random people in the game just because if I like your playstyle then I tend to play with you later but that is were I screwed up.

So I add him and his supposedly girlfriend of 9 years ( he recently said they weren't together the whole 9 years.) in which they supposedly NEVER met or called but they exchanged pictures...and private ones in that matter. He lives in the states she supposedly lives in the other continent but she was in the states due to COVID she got stuck in the states ( he recently said she lives there in NY but not sure.) and she went to see her family and never went to visit him supposedly but there's more and it will drop down after the explanation of how I got tied up. 30 minutes to an hour goes by this guy reaches out telling me he needs me to tell the girl or whoever it was that he was sorry to unblock him he didn't mean to and this that the other and me with the big heart was like okay not thinking he was a total dirt bag and deserved it. I messaged her in dauntless and got her discord and his discord and basically was the bridge between them trying to fix everything for them not even thinking what was happening or what was going on, I was just trying to be nice and save something that was not worth saving.

She messages me all the things that he basically did since he was a jealous prick and basically said that he acts like you needs you but he doesn't really need you and all this other stuff words of her own "He will act like he needs you but then doesn't." I finally understand what she meant it and then she unfriended me and deletes me and then he is sitting there like a dingle berry "hello."

Months goes by and said guy and me start talking and he seemed like a nice guy and I started to get attached to him and wanted a relationship since things in my life were rocking and my husband and I was taking a break and separated in which he knew this and the husband knew what was going on I kept him in the loop and he was there  for me every step of the way and picked me back up each time I was hurt and dried my eyes each time in which it made me realize that the guy I met online was and is nothing to the guy that I married even if we had our issues and problems, Everything I went through allowed me to reconnect and be able to hem my marriage to the point I am enjoying it more and we are actually working together on things instead of it being one sided.

But anyways I tried the relationship and was liking it until 6 months later boy was I wrong. This guy drug me through it for two years! {It is now 2022 and I just blocked him again. I am not giving him any more chances but I had a big heart. I basically gave him and made time for him every day for 2 years. I heard nothing but excuses. I heard nothing but lies, and reasons he said his phone was crap, he could not hear, his phone sucked, his phone was garbage, his phone was this and that and the other but yet he did call on it but barely. He supposedly got a new one and still never called barely sent photos, and would not video chat.  He supposedly has mental issues but then again I'm not judging but it did not make sense how were you on social media talking to people randomly as you state but left me waiting on you daily. The photos that he seemed off and things just did not line up.

I ask for pictures and it was an excuse after excuse he wouldn't send me one but then again I had to basically argue him down for a picture. He never called or when he did it was for a few minutes and then he hangs up. He would say us arguing and fighting would be the cause of it but I was never arguing it or fighting. He basically didn't bother talking to me but rather discord and text or steam message the whole time and he barely did that. He would jump on discord to talk to "friends" but I am starting to believe its not all friends. He basically told me him and said girl broke up but they did not and here I am in a relationship with him thinking he was mine but he was still hers and like a stupid I took him back just for a block and delete fest that was filled of nothing but heartache, headaches, assuming and blaming. I got blamed and accused of so many things that I just gave up trying to correct everything and let him believe everything he was trying to accuse me of and then I block him an delete him but my stupid big heart wouldn't allow me to keep him block and here he comes the walking trash can more trauma more lies more bullshit. My husband and I at the time took a split for reasons and this is how this happened but don't worry he was there the whole time and I have all the screen shots because I could not believe it for myself.

He got mad that I was playing with other people that I was playing a different game and everything else it was like he was trying to control me but then again I could not be controlled.  He got mad that she responded close to someone basically touching. He made up lies about how she would ghost him for 30 minutes because she had a sibling in which we think it was her child she had to take care of and she didn't reply but yet it was actually him not replying and blaming the other person for his action. I called him out on a lot of that.

During the months he was trying to swindle me into loving him in which he did because I have attachment issues but he sent a picture of her one where she was chubby outside of a place that looked like the walls have been photoshop and another one of her skinny in a bathroom with the same exact floor tiles that he has in his said share apartment. He shares his apartment with roommates and they are loud when trying to game. Oh he does have a headset he barely uses that his friend bought him oh wait they are broken now along with his old laptop that he would never clean that kept over heating and messed up the graphics card but he could of prevented it if he would have listened but he didn't and now he has a new laptop and phone but uses the laptop to game and in one game you have to use the mic called Phasmophobia to contact the spirit to get them to talk through the spirit box so he uses his inbuilt mic.

He left me before Christmas, came back around the 5th of January and then messaged before Valentines asking said husband how he and the lady was and trying to wish a happy valentines. He missed my whole birthday on the 27th of January. He didn't even care after reminding him and everything else and that really hurt. He was the one who deleted me saying it was to much and he couldn't handle it. Not to mention I got called garbage by him, I got called a bitch and if a woman is doing something that he does not like, they are a whore or a bitch or whatever. He doesn't like stretch marks but I have kids and he fat shammed me but it didn't bother me cause I am happy with how I am.

My own friends do not like him and told me to run from him and never look back no matter how hurt I am nor how much I loved him it is only going to get worst and guess what it got worst and now I finally feel like I don't need him, I am numb to the pain, and I am loosing love but he always comes back saying how much he loves me and I don't believe him and I tell him and he complains how I don't believe his word and this was all last night and we are in April now.

Everything he was doing, or has done he would never take the blame but always told everyone that it was the other person who did it. He does not believe anything that is said or told but he then says its the other person who doesn't and its just a mess. He can stay where he is and I am staying where I am. I get tired of it and unfriended and block him but I couldn't do it and unblock him because I seen how she did him and I kept feeling sorry and the love and attachment I had for him and I didn't want to be that person but I end up having to be for my peace.

He says I am just like her and then I say your the reason then he said I am not like her and then all this kind of stuff he compared me and her a lot. He blames me for his mental illness and depression but I was no were around and then he does and says I had that before I met you and she gave it to me and this that the other and then he goes saying he's antisocial but yet he talks to so many people but makes excuses on why he can't talk to me. He then goes to blame me why he can't talk to me and then goes and say its his mental in which he doesn't go to his doctor for it and doesn't answer their phone call just like mine at the beginning I called about 58 times cause he was trying to use the suicide card which he does a lot and then says I will stop and doesn't he still does it to get his way or what he wants.

He just watched the phone die and didn't bother. There were so many red flags not to mention oh he threw up that he didn't talk to his "ex" but then he came back and say we talk every month or so like what in the actual living hell was that. If he is lying about that, I don't know what else he is lying about. In my opinion he is really obsessed over anyone who gives him time or day or basically anything that he wants.

He also basically belittles those around, especially females if he can't have his way or they point out things that he does. I took 100% accountability of my actions but he would never take accountability of his. I took accountability of deleting and blocking him, I took accountability to making sure I was always there and around but its like when ever I wanted to take things slow and be friends first but he always wanted to rush it or it felt rush and I would bring it up and he says he wasn't but it always felt that way.

He asked me why was I the way I was and it was because I was trying to be an actual girlfriend to some jerk who didn't accept it nor it felt like I was wanted and I was always trying to talk and be there like normal girlfriends do in relationships and it was like I felt like I wasn't even there and he didn't want me like he said.

He supposedly ignored me for three hours and then messaged and decided he wanted to go to a friend's house and I told him I was not going to be there when he gets back and then blocked his number, deleted him off discord and steam.

It always seemed he ignored me, he was always in game or on discord and not talking to me but talking to others and I tell him how I felt he tells me he's not talking to anyone and it's just on just to be on but when I message its like 15 minutes or hours before he even notices I am there.

He tells me he's attached to me and loves me to death but there is no way of him showing it. Not to mention I was in the hospital dealing with my health and he was only concerned if I was going to be able to game or not.

He also tried to manipulate me as in my feelings didn't matter but his did and I didn't matter nothing with me mattered only him he was the only thing that mattered and it doesn't matter what was happening in my life so I then started to gain my distance and started loosing feelings.

We would always come back trying to work things out for nothing to change and everything to be the same but it is not worth it. Every time something happens I was to blame and I got tired of it. I got tired of going to bed every night asking myself why did it happen, what happened, why did it fail since I have so much love and time spent into it trying to make it work just for it not to.

My own friends do not like him and told me to run from him and never look back no matter how hurt I am nor how much I loved him it is only going to get worst and guess what it got worse and now I finally feel like I don't need him, I am numb to the pain, and I am losing love but he always comes back saying how much he loves me and I don't believe him and I tell him and he complains how I don't believe his word and this was all last night and we are in April now. Also he wanted to settle down supposedly and have a family but yet he doesn't even try to talk and then blames and say its me, I'm lying and all of this kind of stuff when I still have screenshots in which it is a great idea to keep receipts of everything just to show hey look they did this and said this so that way it is proof.

I also got fat shamed because they could not handle their own actions. 

Yeah, I counting my Ls and picking up the pieces of my heart and gonna kept pushing.

Dating online sucks a lot, I can say this because recently I just got out of an online relationship due to I got tired of the drama, assuming, blaming, pointing fingers, the lies, the not believing me, basically not being the person they started out as or the one that they basically protruded themselves to be. The person would make excuses after excuses just to leave and then come back like everything was fine. I would have to basically beg them to send pictures of themselves so that I could actually see who I was suppose to be with.

They said their "ex" he said they broke up but he hangs with her and she bought him pizza and so much more but he said he hasn’t touched her or anything sexual but honestly I feel that was not true that they have. I could tell there was a connection between the two but he kept being denial and denying everything even  though my gut was telling me and it is hardly ever wrong. I found out that he cheated on both of us with each other in which I still believe he is with said ex because he lied to me about them saying that they don't talk but then came back saying they talk every now and again. In which that is how I found said guy. He done something she didn't like and basically I was on her friends list and he freaked out at me saying he needs help to get her back and tell her I'm sorry this that the other.

I wanted to let him go and I tell him to go do what he wants and he kept saying he wanted to be with me but he was always quiet towards me and always on discord and playing other games. He said he was on discord because of others in which before he brought up his "special friend" in which was his ex and then he said it was for his roomies. We never really talked on discord and he would hardly ever answer my texts it would be minutes and hours between each one. So I felt like he was ignoring me but he was reinsuring he wasn't but then go off just like he said how she did him. He said she left him for 30 minutes a day to do things she needed to but yet he did it to me. I felt like I wasn't there and every time I confronted him he say I'm not ignoring you blah blah blah and then make status like slow day or put something on there to basically get others attention. I decided to delete him and he would throw a hissy over it even though I told him we don't even use it and we don't chat on it but he wanted to argue on it even through I basically told him I don't use it much, we don't talk on it but then he would say why would you delete me on something we talk on but we don't we text. Hardly text, it would sometimes be hours till I hear from him.

If you can go hours, days, weeks, months, a year without talking to them and you say you love them and you miss them then you don't really. If you love someone, you would try and show it instead of making them feel ignored like they are not there.

The sad part is I told him, everyone leaves me, and he promised he wouldn't be like them but then again he lied about everything else just so I would "believe him" and "buy the lies" just so I could be hurt more.

I even told him to leave me alone and he wouldn't. He stopped texting me but messages me on discord like I wanted to talk to him telling me I texted him leave me alone but he decided to message me on discord.

He made smart remarks and that is how I deleted him this time because I was so tired of it. Lately I have been asking myself what went wrong, what did I do wrong, why did he try to hurt me? I haven't done anything to anyone but I fell for him and that is the only thing I done wrong.

I admit to deleting him multiple times since it was the only thing that would make him talk, make him react, he wouldn't react, reply, answer my calls or anything really until I had enough and tell him we were done but apparently us being done to me is different than being done to him.

He won't even answer his doctors call and complains about them calling but then told me they call after hours or he was sleeping, they wait to call when he's away from the phone. That's another thing, he never slept during the night really. He would say up doing whatever it was he does like before we met and then sleeps all day expecting me to stay up with him. Oh and there is no talking about feelings or anything since they don't matter but only his does. He does things, and I brought it up to get closure and then he says I am in the past in which it could of happen yesterday and still be bothering me or on my mind and he would never answer why or talk about it.

It has been a good two days and I have not heard from him but I did find out he blocked me everywhere which is okay with me. It hurts but I will get over it.

But then again he did message reaching out telling me he loved me and did call but then again a few days ago, I told him again I was letting him go and then he sent some sappy stuff like he loved me and missed me and then got called heartless because I gave him a proper goodbye and I even told him to leave me alone and I don't want him in my life anymore and I do not want anything else to do with him multiple times but he said I did not and told he I will forever be blocked even in the afterlife in which I doubt he blocked everything of mine because he texted and then hours later he said he wasn't alone anymore and his special one said thank you because cause apparently they were going to try to get together but and it didn't work out then he would still have his friends and her friends and I told him good for him and thanks for saying I made you feel lonely after all the times I tried to be there and I came back at him with the its okay, I am going to give someone else a try someone who has been there and cared for me and blocked his number. He has yet tried to reach out at that time on discord which isn't blocked but we are not friends.

He is blocked basically everywhere else though. He also called me trashy and garbage because he could not accept how I was feeling and respect me but then thought I was jealous since the special friend is there with him and I brought up kind of like how he's jealous of how my said husband is here taking care of me because I do have health issues and he has picked me up every time the other guy hurt me.  Even though me and him did take a break but I came to realize through all of this, it made us stronger and allowed me to open up and made me fix our marriage more.

Lately I been feeling more alive and not like I am suffocating than I did with him since I don't have to worry over someone who never loved me and never worried over me who basically was gaslighting me and led me on thinking there was something there but then the truth slipped and I got the closure I have been trying to get for a little while now.

DO NOT LET LOVE DO THIS TO YOU. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER AND PLEASE IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ME IN THIS POSITION PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE IT IS NOT HEALTHY. ALSO ONLINE DATING IS NOT FOR EVERYONE AND WE WERE SUPPOSEDLY GONNA MEET UP BUT I DECIDED TO RUN AND NEVER COME BACK NO MATTER HOW HARD OR BAD IT FEEL I AM PROTECTING ME AND MY PEACE. YOU HAD SOMEONE WHO BASICALLY WANTED TO BE WITH YOU BUT YOU LOST THEM. If they are doing this and you re-add them they feel they can keep doing it and lose respect for you as a person.  

Life of fear.. A BITTER TRAGEDY

Abuse,  pain, blame, force, trauma, hurt, tears, suffering, arguing, silent cries, whispers, fake smiles, cracked faces, broken. It's my fault, I'm sorry,  I love yous, trust, misery, bruises, bleeding, broken bones, crushed, depression, anxiety, fear, sleepless nights, ptsd(doesn't have to be military related.) Suicidal; thoughts and tendencies. Emptiness, emotions, alone, emo, schizo, Alcohol, Unloved, Just here, suffer, name calling, torn, love..., no love, regrets, truth, excuses, sorrow, endless years, finding yourself, defeated, nothing to no one, lonely, no support, friendless, no family, DEATH

WHORE, SLUT, BITCH, WORTHLESS, WHALE, FAT, CARELESS, YOU DON'T CARE, STUPID, RETARD, YOU SHOULD DIE, GO KILL YOURSELF, NO ONE CARE FOR YOU, I DON'T LOVE YOU, YOU WILL NEVER BE NOTHING, YOUR NOTHING TO ME, YOU HURT ME, ~ MOST OF WHAT IVE BEEN TOLD ALL MY LIFE. 

Love is a 4 letter word that means nothing if its not shown.

Trust is a 5 letter word that doesn't mean anything if its broken.

Sorry is just a 5 letter word that gets thrown around when something happens and means nothing if its repeated over and over again.

Promises, a 8 letter word that is always broken by doing the opposite and repeating something you said you wouldn't do.

Apologies mean nothing if your just going to do the same thing over and over and over again day after day or a month after months.

Blame, something you go through when they don't want to be responsible for their own actions, so it takes off of them and put more on you.

Depression, something you feel going through this. Something that causes you to break and want to be alone because of the person you loved and who you thought love you has done all this to you. It also comes from blaming yourself for someone else's mistakes and can come from many other things.

Fear something you live in when promises are broken and i love yous turn to blaming you for something you didn't do. Something all these words make you feel after it all happened.

Admitting to something you have done is never so easy but telling the truth is worth way more than you would know. Telling lies can cause lots of fights and tension no matter what it is. 

 Everyone goes through this it does not have to be women, it's men and kids who also go through this. Some of them even blame themselves for someone else problem but it's not their fault.

Lies, things that they feed you when they are promising you something... Something that you believe for so long and that they tell you to get you off their case, backs and out their faces...Lies can never be actually fixed... Once a liar always a liar...

Bleeding all over and crushed on the inside, spitting in the face of someone you love, calling them a bitch and a whore, stupid, worthless,accusing them of things they have not done... blaming you for something you cannot control being pushed, shoved, beaten, abused, mentally, physically broken, crushed, and being told this will never happen, this is not me but it is, it is you, this is not love and it's best if you leave this situation it can get worse to the point you don't love them you just are scared to leave. 

No one deserves this! No one deserves to be blamed for someone else's problems, mistakes or anything that is going on. It takes a lot to keep trying to push through but sometimes it's best to escape no matter how much you love the person or no matter how much they say they love you and it will never happen again. 

These are what people go through. People suffering due to other people's actions and people don't realize it. They blame you for someone else's or their action because they don't wanna blame them or themselves. They don't realized that the person they blame hurts because of it. They don't understand what it does to or how it effects a person and they let the other person get away with it.
Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow.