I suffer from a lot of anxiety. I also have a hormone imbalance that plays a factor in it along with having to attempt to be perfect as a child. It was like I had to please my father growing up. I had to do everything he said to a tee to make sure that he was not mad or going to yell at us.
Everything had to be done his way or the way he wanted and my mother would cover up for us if something happened or went wrong. Truthfully, their marriage still does not feel the greatest nor the happiest.
Going to visit them every so often feels like its in shambles and everything is rocky because its like you cannot be your own person there, you have to be of his image and the way he wants and a lot of things he disapproves of like piercings and tattoos and hair dying and certain hair styles along with sexuality and he talks about people when they are overweight and pretty much not doing things he prefers or if someone is not working. I in fact hid my sexuality and my mother even questioned about it in which, I am bi-sexual and my bother he is either bi-sexual or gay we cannot determine for sure but we are leaning on the bi-sexual but still.
My mother is and always was an accepting woman and still is. She does not care as she always states its your life, do what you please.
Growing up, I would spend a lot of time outside instead of in the house because it was like everything I did was a displease. I would play with my toys but at a certain time, we had to clean it up so that it would not be everywhere when he got home even though we were still playing with them. To keep tension down and keep everyone happy.
I felt like my childhood trauma plays a big emotional abuse factor in my life because now, I try my best to make sure everything is squared away and I tried to people please to make them happy when they are irrelevant to me.
They don't even matter in my life and I have learned that it does not matter what they say or think, this is my life and they do not have to be in it.
I do not have to be surrounded by people that tries to munch off of me and take everything from me, I definitely do not need anyone judgmental of me and expects me to change my life to please them.
I definitely do not need to live my life in their foot steps or try to be this tippy toppy person that I am not. You never know how much your trauma will eventually change your life and causing issues to occur to the point that it suffocates you and tries to force you into this unhappy person to where you are trying to please others and make sure that nothing is wrong. Well nothing can be right all the time and life throws things your way to help you grow even if you are not ready for it.
Not everyone is suppose to be in your life, and you cannot please everyone so choose wisely on how you go about this.
I would also often panic and have anxiety attacks over being a mom and over thinking and everything else when in fact, I am not a perfect mom. If you or anyone comes over, yes there are going to be toys laying around, there are going to be little hand prints from paint in certain places, there are going to be memories in my home whether it is on paper or on the walls. There are going to be little things here and there. Clothes may not be folded, the clothes hamper may be full, the counters may have stuff on them but I am not a bad mom because of this.
My kids are loved, my kids have clothes on their backs, they are eating and never go hungry, they are playing, they are living. They are not growing up and suffering like I did. They do not have to worry about this or that or being fussed at for even wanting to play or just because they are kids. My kids gets everything they need.
My kids do not have to suffer like I did. If there is something wrong or they are sick, they go on to the doctor unlike I did. I often feel like I am not a good enough mother. I often feel like I did not do enough I battle with myself a lot because of this but the truth is, I am a great mother. My kids are getting the things that they need the most. They are getting the time, the care, the love that they need.
My kids do know their chores and knows when it is time to clean up everything. They also help around the house. They do not have the constant fear of doing something wrong. They do not have the anxiety that I went through nor the pain and suffering. My views are way different then my parents views.
I do not hit my child just because they did something wrong. I do not hit my child at all. A child is a child, yes you discipline them but you can do so without yelling at them and getting in their face. You do not need to be hitting and beating on them. You can put them in time outs and take things away from them such as the things that they enjoy such as a tablet or TV time or video games.
A child did not cause you the bad day that you had at work. A child is not someone you come home and relieve your anger on just because they did something at home and you had a bad day at work. I went through this multiple times and honestly it sucks because when you are a kid, you don't know why they are like this and then you are trying to grow and learn wrong from right and it is like everything you do is wrong.
My dad, now that I am a mom myself tried to push his way of parenting on me and that went right out the window. I would rather my kid actually stay in a kids place instead of being beat and being forced to do things quicker and earlier.
My kids also has autism and its like he did not understand at first and only was trying to push things he was taught but then after awhile, he started coming around and realizing the way he was taught was wrong along with the way he parented and now he does not bother giving parenting advice.
My mother also noted that he was always at work at the time of us growing up so he does not fully understand and grasp being a parent. He would go to work, come home frustrated with his job, find out we did something wrong and then beat us with his belt and then from there he would eat, go to bed and repeat.
It is okay to be different in this world. It is not okay to be forced to feel like you have to be similar and have to be the same as everyone else. It is okay to be yourself. If you have suffered some of the things that I have went through then you know how hard it is to try to make friends. You know how easy it is to withdraw from people and isolate yourself. You know what it is like to try to people please due to fear and anxiety in which can also lead to guilt.
Going through any kind of trauma will change a person. Going through any kind of abuse will also change a person. It can also bring a lot of anger as the person grows up and can cause a lot of PTSD because of what they been through and honestly, it is okay to feel the way you feel.
You have every right to feel that way but in the end, do not let it stop you from becoming the person you want to be even though it will be hard, you have to forgive them and grow from that to become better. Don't sit around with built up anger and don't let it run you and rule you. You can grow from it, it is going to take time but in the end, you never know who you may end up becoming.
