Childhood trauma

 I suffer from a lot of anxiety. I also have a hormone imbalance that plays a factor in it along with having to attempt to be perfect as a child. It was like I had to please my father growing up. I had to do everything he said to a tee to make sure that he was not mad or going to yell at us. 

 Everything had to be done his way or the way he wanted and my mother would cover up for us if something happened or went wrong. Truthfully, their marriage still does not feel the greatest nor the happiest. 

Going to visit them every so often feels like its in shambles and everything is rocky because its like you cannot be your own person there, you have to be of his image and the way he wants and a lot of things he disapproves of like piercings and tattoos and hair dying and certain hair styles along with sexuality and he talks about people when they are overweight and pretty much not doing things he prefers or if someone is not working.  I in fact hid my sexuality and my mother even questioned about it in which, I am bi-sexual and my bother he is either bi-sexual or gay we cannot determine for sure but we are leaning on the bi-sexual but still. 

My mother is and always was an accepting woman and still is. She does not care as she always states its your life, do what you please. 

 Growing up, I would spend a lot of time outside instead of in the house because it was like everything I did was a displease. I would play with my toys but at a certain time, we had to clean it up so that it would not be everywhere when he got home even though we were still playing with them. To keep tension down and keep everyone happy.

I felt like my childhood trauma plays a big emotional abuse factor in my life because now, I try my best to make sure everything is squared away and I tried to people please to make them happy when they are irrelevant to me. 

They don't even matter in my life and I have learned that it does not matter what they say or think, this is my life and they do not have to be in it. 

I do not have to be surrounded by people that tries to munch off of me and take everything from me, I definitely do not need anyone judgmental of me and expects me to change my life to please them.

 I definitely do not need to live my life in their foot steps or try to be this tippy toppy person that I am not. You never know how much your trauma will eventually change your life and causing issues to occur to the point that it suffocates you and tries to force you into this unhappy person to where you are trying to please others and make sure that nothing is wrong. Well nothing can be right all the time and life throws things your way to help you grow even if you are not ready for it. 

Not everyone is suppose to be in your life, and you cannot please everyone so choose wisely on how you go about this. 

I would also often panic and have anxiety attacks over being a mom and over thinking and everything else when in fact, I am not a perfect mom. If you or anyone comes over, yes there are going to be toys laying around, there are going to be little hand prints from paint in certain places, there are going to be memories in my home whether it is on paper or on the walls. There are going to be little things here and there. Clothes may not be folded, the clothes hamper may be full, the counters may have stuff on them but I am not a bad mom because of this. 

My kids are loved, my kids have clothes on their backs, they are eating and never go hungry, they are playing, they are living. They are not growing up and suffering like I did. They do not have to worry about this or that or being fussed at for even wanting to play or just because they are kids. My kids gets everything they need. 

My kids do not have to suffer like I did. If there is something wrong or they are sick, they go on to the doctor unlike I did. I often feel like I am not a good enough mother. I often feel like I did not do enough I battle with myself a lot because of this but the truth is, I am a great mother. My kids are getting the things that they need the most. They are getting the time, the care, the love that they need. 

My kids do know their chores and knows when it is time to clean up everything. They also help around the house. They do not have the constant fear of doing something wrong. They do not have the anxiety that I went through nor the pain and suffering. My views are way different then my parents views.

 I do not hit my child just because they did something wrong. I do not hit my child at all. A child is a child, yes you discipline them but you can do so without yelling at them and getting in their face. You do not need to be hitting and beating on them. You can put them in time outs and take things away from them such as the things that they enjoy such as a tablet or TV time or video games. 

A child did not cause you the bad day that you had at work. A child is not someone you come home and relieve your anger on just because they did something at home and you had a bad day at work. I went through this multiple times and honestly it sucks because when you are a kid, you don't know why they are like this and then you are trying to grow and learn wrong from right and it is like everything you do is wrong. 

My dad, now that I am a mom myself tried to push his way of parenting on me and that went right out the window. I would rather my kid actually stay in a kids place instead of being beat and being forced to do things quicker and earlier. 

My kids also has autism and its like he did not understand at first and only was trying to push things he was taught but then after awhile, he started coming around and realizing the way he was taught was wrong along with the way he parented and now he does not bother giving parenting advice. 

 My mother also noted that he was always at work at the time of us growing up so he does not fully understand and grasp being a parent. He would go to work, come home frustrated with his job, find out we did something wrong and then beat us with his belt and then from there he would eat, go to bed and repeat. 

It is okay to be different in this world. It is not okay to be forced to feel like you have to be similar and have to be the same as everyone else. It is okay to be yourself. If you have suffered some of the things that I have went through then you know how hard it is to try to make friends. You know how easy it is to withdraw from people and isolate yourself. You know what it is like to try to people please due to fear and anxiety in which can also lead to guilt.

 Going through any kind of trauma will change a person. Going through any kind of abuse will also change a person. It can also bring a lot of anger as the person grows up and can cause a lot of PTSD because of what they been through and honestly, it is okay to feel the way you feel. 

 You have every right to feel that way but in the end, do not let it stop you from becoming the person you want to be even though it will be hard, you have to forgive them and grow from that to become better. Don't sit around with built up anger and don't let it run you and rule you. You can grow from it, it is going to take time but in the end, you never know who you may end up becoming. 

Opening up

 Opening up to let people in is never easy. People can end up using you and hurting you which makes it to where you no longer want to open up to anyone else. 

They tell you they will be there for you when you need them but then they show you time and time again that they won't and they are only going to hurt you in the long run. 

I often sit around and trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it and ways to fix it because I always feel like I am the problem but I am learning that I am not the problem. I cannot make someone understand me, I cannot make anyone be honest, I cannot make anyone do anything. They are their own person and it is on them to do right or wrong. 

I personally, am tired of opening up to people. I do not want to keep having to restart with people and explaining to them that I am tired of getting hurt, I am tired of restarting and giving my trust to them just only for them to be like the others and leave and make excuses and then just hurt me over and over. This is getting old. I am always honest to people.

 I always give them the benefit of the doubt when they don't really deserve it and because of this, I have developed trust issues over the years to where I no longer trust people and they are going to have to show me that they are different and have to earn my trust. I have been done wrong by so many different people who claimed to be friends and those that loved me to the point I no longer am friends with anyone and became antisocial. 

I never really talked to anyone anyways due to my severe anxiety because, I feel that they will judge me and other things. I also have other mental issues and also self diagnosed myself with autism so basically, I got use to not talking to anyone really because it made me anxious and nervous. 

I rather be alone and not open up to anyone anymore because when I did and let them get to know me and actually felt comfortable, they tend to not be able to handle it and they close the box. Because of who I am, the ended up leaving me just like everyone else and never really got to even know me or why I am the way I am. They never really stayed around to understand why I am built the way I am and how I built myself up to not get hurt anymore. 

Not everyone is suppose to be around you, not everyone is suppose to be in your life. I want to see people eat, just not at my table. 

Remember everyone can leave if they want to so be careful who you let in and open up to.

Life of fear.. A BITTER TRAGEDY

Abuse,  pain, blame, force, trauma, hurt, tears, suffering, arguing, silent cries, whispers, fake smiles, cracked faces, broken. It's my fault, I'm sorry,  I love yous, trust, misery, bruises, bleeding, broken bones, crushed, depression, anxiety, fear, sleepless nights, ptsd(doesn't have to be military related.) Suicidal; thoughts and tendencies. Emptiness, emotions, alone, emo, schizo, Alcohol, Unloved, Just here, suffer, name calling, torn, love..., no love, regrets, truth, excuses, sorrow, endless years, finding yourself, defeated, nothing to no one, lonely, no support, friendless, no family, DEATH

WHORE, SLUT, BITCH, WORTHLESS, WHALE, FAT, CARELESS, YOU DON'T CARE, STUPID, RETARD, YOU SHOULD DIE, GO KILL YOURSELF, NO ONE CARE FOR YOU, I DON'T LOVE YOU, YOU WILL NEVER BE NOTHING, YOUR NOTHING TO ME, YOU HURT ME, ~ MOST OF WHAT IVE BEEN TOLD ALL MY LIFE. 

Love is a 4 letter word that means nothing if its not shown.

Trust is a 5 letter word that doesn't mean anything if its broken.

Sorry is just a 5 letter word that gets thrown around when something happens and means nothing if its repeated over and over again.

Promises, a 8 letter word that is always broken by doing the opposite and repeating something you said you wouldn't do.

Apologies mean nothing if your just going to do the same thing over and over and over again day after day or a month after months.

Blame, something you go through when they don't want to be responsible for their own actions, so it takes off of them and put more on you.

Depression, something you feel going through this. Something that causes you to break and want to be alone because of the person you loved and who you thought love you has done all this to you. It also comes from blaming yourself for someone else's mistakes and can come from many other things.

Fear something you live in when promises are broken and i love yous turn to blaming you for something you didn't do. Something all these words make you feel after it all happened.

Admitting to something you have done is never so easy but telling the truth is worth way more than you would know. Telling lies can cause lots of fights and tension no matter what it is. 

 Everyone goes through this it does not have to be women, it's men and kids who also go through this. Some of them even blame themselves for someone else problem but it's not their fault.

Lies, things that they feed you when they are promising you something... Something that you believe for so long and that they tell you to get you off their case, backs and out their faces...Lies can never be actually fixed... Once a liar always a liar...

Bleeding all over and crushed on the inside, spitting in the face of someone you love, calling them a bitch and a whore, stupid, worthless,accusing them of things they have not done... blaming you for something you cannot control being pushed, shoved, beaten, abused, mentally, physically broken, crushed, and being told this will never happen, this is not me but it is, it is you, this is not love and it's best if you leave this situation it can get worse to the point you don't love them you just are scared to leave. 

No one deserves this! No one deserves to be blamed for someone else's problems, mistakes or anything that is going on. It takes a lot to keep trying to push through but sometimes it's best to escape no matter how much you love the person or no matter how much they say they love you and it will never happen again. 

These are what people go through. People suffering due to other people's actions and people don't realize it. They blame you for someone else's or their action because they don't wanna blame them or themselves. They don't realized that the person they blame hurts because of it. They don't understand what it does to or how it effects a person and they let the other person get away with it.
Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow.

When Depression Strikes

Dealing with depression is hard along with anxiety. It gets to the point you don't know which way to go or what to do. It often gets so bad that nothing feels okay everything is your fault, your worthless, your no good, your nothing. Sometimes you don't want to be around anyone cause you hurt so bad and thoughts circle your mind repeatedly telling you to give in it's not worth it,  your not needed, your worthless and no one will miss you. It is tough to live with. Sometimes you are okay and others your not. Some days your perfectly fine and then at nights when you lay down to rest your up rocking and crying trying to cope trying your hardest to tell yourself your okay that your not worthless, that you are someone but at times the thoughts win and your crushed. Some people do not understand it. Some people will never understand but others have dealt and dealing with it trying to cope trying to help those around them before it's to late and they are no longer here. Some night is insomniac nights where you cannot sleep and you lay there thinking about life and crying asking why does it hurt, why are you still here, what is left for me?  People do not know this because the strongest person doesn't tell anyone. The strongest person smiles on the outside but falling apart as everything is crushing them on the inside. As they stand by themselves trying to make sure everyone else is good while they do their best to cope. Some people will not understand this but others will. Most people never had to go through this but some did and they will tell you it will all be okay and they are here to help you with everything and they will help build yourself up so nothing can break you and you will have a support system as you start to fall which is okay they will help you but sometimes this doesn't always work sometimes you go back to square one and everything you worked hard on is torn back to pieces and your slowly laying down having insomniac nights and long days trying to cope.

Anxiety

Anxiety is horrible. It's the worst thing ever for people to deal with. There is so much that can cause an anxiety attack like being forced to do something your not comfortable with, being in crowded places, speaking in public, talking to certain people. Most people do not believe or even realize how easy it is for someone to go into a panic and freak out. I have had my share and still do. I can not go into to much of a crowded place without someone I know. I cannot also be left alone for a long period of time because I tend to freak out and feel like I was forgotten or left. It is hard. I feel like if I speak someone will judge me I also so feel like people judge me either way I go. I try not to let it get to me but sometimes it happens... It's the worst ever. I sometimes even panic for no reason it just gets ahold of me and knocks me down to the point I cannot take it anymore and causes my chest to hurt and I just either curl up in a ball or pass out whichever happens first. It is not a pleasant thing to go to a dinner or a store and just faint because of the pressure and your body cannot handle the crowds.