Opening up

 Opening up to let people in is never easy. People can end up using you and hurting you which makes it to where you no longer want to open up to anyone else. 

They tell you they will be there for you when you need them but then they show you time and time again that they won't and they are only going to hurt you in the long run. 

I often sit around and trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it and ways to fix it because I always feel like I am the problem but I am learning that I am not the problem. I cannot make someone understand me, I cannot make anyone be honest, I cannot make anyone do anything. They are their own person and it is on them to do right or wrong. 

I personally, am tired of opening up to people. I do not want to keep having to restart with people and explaining to them that I am tired of getting hurt, I am tired of restarting and giving my trust to them just only for them to be like the others and leave and make excuses and then just hurt me over and over. This is getting old. I am always honest to people.

 I always give them the benefit of the doubt when they don't really deserve it and because of this, I have developed trust issues over the years to where I no longer trust people and they are going to have to show me that they are different and have to earn my trust. I have been done wrong by so many different people who claimed to be friends and those that loved me to the point I no longer am friends with anyone and became antisocial. 

I never really talked to anyone anyways due to my severe anxiety because, I feel that they will judge me and other things. I also have other mental issues and also self diagnosed myself with autism so basically, I got use to not talking to anyone really because it made me anxious and nervous. 

I rather be alone and not open up to anyone anymore because when I did and let them get to know me and actually felt comfortable, they tend to not be able to handle it and they close the box. Because of who I am, the ended up leaving me just like everyone else and never really got to even know me or why I am the way I am. They never really stayed around to understand why I am built the way I am and how I built myself up to not get hurt anymore. 

Not everyone is suppose to be around you, not everyone is suppose to be in your life. I want to see people eat, just not at my table. 

Remember everyone can leave if they want to so be careful who you let in and open up to.

Life of fear.. A BITTER TRAGEDY

Abuse,  pain, blame, force, trauma, hurt, tears, suffering, arguing, silent cries, whispers, fake smiles, cracked faces, broken. It's my fault, I'm sorry,  I love yous, trust, misery, bruises, bleeding, broken bones, crushed, depression, anxiety, fear, sleepless nights, ptsd(doesn't have to be military related.) Suicidal; thoughts and tendencies. Emptiness, emotions, alone, emo, schizo, Alcohol, Unloved, Just here, suffer, name calling, torn, love..., no love, regrets, truth, excuses, sorrow, endless years, finding yourself, defeated, nothing to no one, lonely, no support, friendless, no family, DEATH

WHORE, SLUT, BITCH, WORTHLESS, WHALE, FAT, CARELESS, YOU DON'T CARE, STUPID, RETARD, YOU SHOULD DIE, GO KILL YOURSELF, NO ONE CARE FOR YOU, I DON'T LOVE YOU, YOU WILL NEVER BE NOTHING, YOUR NOTHING TO ME, YOU HURT ME, ~ MOST OF WHAT IVE BEEN TOLD ALL MY LIFE. 

Love is a 4 letter word that means nothing if its not shown.

Trust is a 5 letter word that doesn't mean anything if its broken.

Sorry is just a 5 letter word that gets thrown around when something happens and means nothing if its repeated over and over again.

Promises, a 8 letter word that is always broken by doing the opposite and repeating something you said you wouldn't do.

Apologies mean nothing if your just going to do the same thing over and over and over again day after day or a month after months.

Blame, something you go through when they don't want to be responsible for their own actions, so it takes off of them and put more on you.

Depression, something you feel going through this. Something that causes you to break and want to be alone because of the person you loved and who you thought love you has done all this to you. It also comes from blaming yourself for someone else's mistakes and can come from many other things.

Fear something you live in when promises are broken and i love yous turn to blaming you for something you didn't do. Something all these words make you feel after it all happened.

Admitting to something you have done is never so easy but telling the truth is worth way more than you would know. Telling lies can cause lots of fights and tension no matter what it is. 

 Everyone goes through this it does not have to be women, it's men and kids who also go through this. Some of them even blame themselves for someone else problem but it's not their fault.

Lies, things that they feed you when they are promising you something... Something that you believe for so long and that they tell you to get you off their case, backs and out their faces...Lies can never be actually fixed... Once a liar always a liar...

Bleeding all over and crushed on the inside, spitting in the face of someone you love, calling them a bitch and a whore, stupid, worthless,accusing them of things they have not done... blaming you for something you cannot control being pushed, shoved, beaten, abused, mentally, physically broken, crushed, and being told this will never happen, this is not me but it is, it is you, this is not love and it's best if you leave this situation it can get worse to the point you don't love them you just are scared to leave. 

No one deserves this! No one deserves to be blamed for someone else's problems, mistakes or anything that is going on. It takes a lot to keep trying to push through but sometimes it's best to escape no matter how much you love the person or no matter how much they say they love you and it will never happen again. 

These are what people go through. People suffering due to other people's actions and people don't realize it. They blame you for someone else's or their action because they don't wanna blame them or themselves. They don't realized that the person they blame hurts because of it. They don't understand what it does to or how it effects a person and they let the other person get away with it.
Karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow.

When Depression Strikes

Dealing with depression is hard along with anxiety. It gets to the point you don't know which way to go or what to do. It often gets so bad that nothing feels okay everything is your fault, your worthless, your no good, your nothing. Sometimes you don't want to be around anyone cause you hurt so bad and thoughts circle your mind repeatedly telling you to give in it's not worth it,  your not needed, your worthless and no one will miss you. It is tough to live with. Sometimes you are okay and others your not. Some days your perfectly fine and then at nights when you lay down to rest your up rocking and crying trying to cope trying your hardest to tell yourself your okay that your not worthless, that you are someone but at times the thoughts win and your crushed. Some people do not understand it. Some people will never understand but others have dealt and dealing with it trying to cope trying to help those around them before it's to late and they are no longer here. Some night is insomniac nights where you cannot sleep and you lay there thinking about life and crying asking why does it hurt, why are you still here, what is left for me?  People do not know this because the strongest person doesn't tell anyone. The strongest person smiles on the outside but falling apart as everything is crushing them on the inside. As they stand by themselves trying to make sure everyone else is good while they do their best to cope. Some people will not understand this but others will. Most people never had to go through this but some did and they will tell you it will all be okay and they are here to help you with everything and they will help build yourself up so nothing can break you and you will have a support system as you start to fall which is okay they will help you but sometimes this doesn't always work sometimes you go back to square one and everything you worked hard on is torn back to pieces and your slowly laying down having insomniac nights and long days trying to cope.

Anxiety

Anxiety is horrible. It's the worst thing ever for people to deal with. There is so much that can cause an anxiety attack like being forced to do something your not comfortable with, being in crowded places, speaking in public, talking to certain people. Most people do not believe or even realize how easy it is for someone to go into a panic and freak out. I have had my share and still do. I can not go into to much of a crowded place without someone I know. I cannot also be left alone for a long period of time because I tend to freak out and feel like I was forgotten or left. It is hard. I feel like if I speak someone will judge me I also so feel like people judge me either way I go. I try not to let it get to me but sometimes it happens... It's the worst ever. I sometimes even panic for no reason it just gets ahold of me and knocks me down to the point I cannot take it anymore and causes my chest to hurt and I just either curl up in a ball or pass out whichever happens first. It is not a pleasant thing to go to a dinner or a store and just faint because of the pressure and your body cannot handle the crowds.