My life,2022

 Christmas is on its way and I am not ready. I am normally always ready for Christmas but this year is different.

 Last year, I had money for Christmas where this year I do not since the company that I was working for decided to make it harder for their affiliates to be able to make money. 

They also pay a month behind so it. 

 The threshold for pay out is 50 dollars but if you do not hit 50 you do not get paid so you kind of get it. 

I included an image of the payments and the last time I got paid from the company. 

If anyone feels in the giving spirit, you can always tip me. It is not required but I would be very thankful! I am also looking for remote work if anyone could point the way.

I have been trying to figure things out on my own. The person that I married, made so many promises that it's to the point I am tired of hearing them and they become broken promises that are empty. I have repeatedly asked him to do things and it is like talking to a brick wall and I end up having to do them myself even though he said he would get it, don't worry but what is the point when it is me having to pull your load also because he won't. I am so tired of this, I am tired of living like this, I am tired of the unwanted stress I receive daily and it is not fair to me and my mental health to be put through this even though oh, he applied to jobs, been accepted but comes up with excuses and reasons he can't do it just like everything else. This is not fair to me.  

I have spent a lot of my time applying for jobs for him... I have spent a lot of my time worrying about bills being paid, worried about if everything is in order when he lives careless... I did not get a gift for our anniversary and most of the gifts that I got... I end up giving him money to buy or he some how got it. I don't really get Christmas.. I don't get flowers or chocolates really. I don't even get to go out on dates anymore and it sucks. 

Here are my links... to the gaming stuff https://linktr.ee/taintedlg

Here is my sextoy review blog, you can buy anything from it and I get a few dollars commission anything helps. My blogs have ads on the sides you can buy from which will also give me a few dollar commission. 

MY CASH APP 

MY VENMO 

Watch those around you

 People are so quick to judge you based off of anything and they fail to realize they are the ones that trigger you. They tell you all the things you want to hear and never do them. They will trigger you and uses you and make it seem like they are genuine but you will just be another person that they played. They do not really love you. They only want someone in their corner so they can prey off of you. They want to be able to have someone to play. 

They only tell you that to keep you around to pretend that they are not like the other that done you wrong when they truly are. They basically do things to make sure that they keep you on your toes and then when you figure it out and get tired of it, they will leave you just because. 

When you don't believe their lies that they told you along with the excuses and other things, then you become a problem for them and once you see through every single piece of excuse they gave then they get mad. They will try to use what you told them and your weaknesses against you. They will play your heart strings, tag you along and then get mad when you don't do what they want you to anymore. 

They will keep you around just because. Do not fall for the lies that they will tell you. They will try to break you down and build you the way they want to. They will force those around you to leave or for you to leave them and they will fight with you because of it. 

Anyone that is around you, they will say tried to break up the relationship. Anyone around you that can see how they really are and treat you they will blame them and try to isolate you and then when you call them out for everything and every lie they ever told they will coward away and then come back with something else just because they want to keep fighting with you for no reason at all. Then when you call it out they will become the victim and flip the script and make it seem like it was you and your crazy. 

Watch who you love, not everyone is truthful and loyal like they say. 

Something I would of told me younger self

The things that I would tell my younger self if I could is that those you call your friends are really not your friends. They were only using you to get things because they wanted to and you where an easy target and really to nice and always wanted to help them. 

Be careful who you trust because not everyone should be trusted. Those who you hung out with were never your friend, and you should not trust them. Friends are the kind of people you can call on when you need help, those were not. 

Do not focus on things because stress is real and it does not matter. Take things one day at a time. 

Life is never easy, it is filled with ups and downs and you won't figure it all out but you have to figure out things on the way. 

Not everyone is going to be real and tell you the truth. 

People are going to be mean and judge you, just ignore them because karma will get to them.

Do not brag about anything you have because it can be gone. 

Don't tell anyone anything because it is not their business. 

If you make it be silent about it, things can happen.

People do not want to see you do well and they will do all kinds of things to ruin you.

Watch who you give your love to, you may end up regretting them. 

Affiliate marketing jobs are not what they use to be, make plans and have back up so you won't be doing what you are doing now and trying to make it and push to make money. 

No one really trusts anyone so, be cautious, and don't get upset or mad when your stores and stuff start decreasing and you stop making money. 

Blogging is okay, you just won't get adsense on it. 

You can keep writing from the heart but people will not care about you.

You can keep helping people but don't expect anything from them.

Don't tread life lightly because things are not always what they seem and where you are is not permanent. You can control your life and how it goes. 

Struggling with mental health

 I personally have been struggling with my mental health for years. Growing up was not so easy for me. I was bullied for the way that I was, I was bullied for the clothes that I wore, the way I looked, my size and so much more. It gotten to the point I no longer wanted to go to school and I would fight with my mother when all she wanted was the best for me.

 I didn't want to open up to anyone because they would make fun of me more and laugh and judge me for getting help.

I became suicidal and never really bothered anyone. I did not really have friends and no one seemed to really care about me throughout school. I was like an outcast. I wanted to go to therapy and talk to people about it but we could not afford it so I decided to take up writing and that is how I got to where I am today. 

People would use me and get what they wanted and never talk to me and that is kind of what it is like now. I do not talk to anyone and I stay to myself. 

Truthfully, I hated how I treated her and I treat her so much better now. I personally understood where she was coming from. She was raised from a somewhat broken home. 

Her mother did not show her love like a child should be loved and her father basically was always about his money. Her mother and father would fight like cats and dogs and she dropped out of high school cause they always moved. She then moved in with her grandmother and her grandmother raised her the best she could. 

My mother then became the parent that she needed growing up and she understood a lot of things. 

Mt father which him and my mother have been married for 24 years now. They got married a year before I was born. 

My father, had a rough life which hints at abuse but never would fully state. He came from a home where things were not fair. He always talks about the olden days where the kids where always last and the adults would eat before them. He talks about remembering where when it was his time to eat, they had skimmed over food and sometimes they have food that was put back and some had bite marks in it.

His mother, was never really there his father was in the military and basically he wasn't home. He was raised by his grandmother and his grandmother and his uncle's raised him well although his uncle's were drunks and his grandpa made moonshine.

 He is the type to give the shirt off his back. He is a hard working honest man. He has rough edges that this life has given him but once you get past that you can truly see him for who he is besides this rough person who he presents himself as. He is a hard person sometimes but that's how life built him.

But, somewhere down the line  him and his mom made a bond that was unbreakable. His mom was closer to him than his dad and I completely understood. His mom was the person everyone needed in their life. His dad was a quiet type around people and it's like something along the lines causes him issues.

His teenage and early adult years were rocky but I understand. He made a lot of mistakes in life and he's always speaking about them and always talking about knowledge. He is a wise man and someone everyone would like to have in their life. 

Raising me for sure was not easy for them and I know but they did it. There was times we were struggling and couldn't really get any help had issues getting food sometimes due to they made to much for assistance and couldn't pay the bills at times which life happens.

Both parents have been there for their family through everything. They are giving the love that they did not have as a kid growing up and I personally love it.

I now as an mother, a wife have been diagnosed with PCOS, anxiety, depression and I self diagnosed for autism in which we all suspected it was there and now I know where the kids got it from which is okay with me. 

The whole point besides giving you background of my family is to let you know it comes from somewhere and starts somewhere even if you do not realize it. Everyone struggles with it and do not be afraid to reach out. Reaching out can help you more than you know. 

Never feel ashamed to get help. If someone judges you don't worry about them because life is never easy and karma is real. 

Everyone else (Congratulations)

 Everyone else is getting somewhere in their life.. I have been living the same way for about 7 years now. The same routines nothing new, nothing changed. I had dreams and hopes of buying a home, getting some land, making it some how but somehow all of that went to back hold and looks like it is never going to come true.

 I had dreams that my blogs and everything I done would work together and make it but no. My dreams got crushed repeatedly one after another after another. I shut down more businesses and plans and ideas than I ever thought I would. I had three online stores that I shut down due to they were getting no where no matter how many times I promoted them.

 I helped so many people throughout the years instead of helping my own self. I made sure everyone else made it before I did. I expected them to be there for me and help me like I helped them but they didn't. 

Now here I am trying to make plans that I already will fall through before I even start. You will never know until you try so here goes nothing. 

Its time for a new beginning, new change a new journey... 

Temporary people

 I no longer have time for temporary people in my life. I no longer care for those who I use to care for. I quit loving those who basically used me and were never there when I needed them. I have no more time for trying to help people get it together nor time to wait and keep telling a person how to get it together and telling them to do right more than once. I am no longer expecting people to be genuine people and truthful anymore.

 I found out the guy that I was with, was basically hiding his "ex" and was playing us both. He was not being as truthful as he was saying he was. Every time she would come online I could tell a difference that he was entertaining and talking to other people when he said he was not. I found her steam... I found her on his profile. 

She put her name as something she goes by and I found it. We were suppose to play grounded together but he basically ignored me and I went to his profile and through his friends because I had a gut wrenching feeling and poof she was on. 

The person he said he didn't talk to but them came up saying they do talk every other month or so but when he is talking to her, you can tell the difference and then it feels like I have became the second opinion. 

Besides bring her up multiple times, and he just brushing it off and ignoring me until last night and then he was like its not my fault you guys don't like each other and I told him yeah cause you turned us against each other and then I deleted him. 

He then texted me a gif calling me an idiot sandwich and I told him cool I really don't care goodbye and then I came back with the I'm blocking your number so I can move on because after the two years it is not worth it anymore tbh and I blocked it. 

I blocked it because, I do not have time to waist and to give to those that I have to beg to talk to, spend time with me and so much more. I blocked it so I could have peace and to find myself. He showed me multiple times he was not loyal, truthful and trustworthy so I decided to end it. 

I have been named called, bullied, lied to, assumed on, blamed, and so much more that it started to attack my mental health to the point, I did not even care anymore. I lost all the love and care I had for him because all he did was make excuses on why he could not call, send photos or anything. The back and forth, the begging him to do right and be honest took a toll on me and I decided to just leave and not come back because he was only a temporary person since he kept leaving all the time anyways and gave excuses and reasons on why he left and could not act right like a boyfriend and every time we got into it he would say he was being accused and blamed for being a bad boyfriend and it wasn't worth it anymore. 

 He also said my dreams, I would never get there and I got farther than he thought I would. 

Same routines

 As a person who likes doing the same routines, certain routines get old. Such as begging for a person to do right, arguing and fighting with a person that supposedly loves you everyday and begging them to see what they are doing to you and trying to show them what they are doing to others and how what they are saying is not right or sound right because the part that they are saying basically is basically the opposite of  what they are saying.

It gets to a point you have to withdraw yourself, your love and care to basically save yourself from spiraling anymore further down. Loving a person takes a lot of work if they are not loving themselves. It takes a lot of work even more to lie about loving a person and or subjects around a person. 

Say a person claims that they don't talk to people because they are antisocial but then come up to say they talk to people randomly then to come up and say they do not talk to the person they claim and then lie and say oh yeah we talk so if you are lying about that then what else are you lying about. 

Trying to search through everything that was told and go through every part and think about it while watching how a person moves it gets old. You start to see a lot of holes in every story and everything that does not make sense. 

You can basically see where the story was either used on other to manipulate them or basically where it was fabricated again and again to basically make it work on others to get them to feel sorry for them or to make you want to stick with them and care because that is what they want you to believe. They will blame whoever including you for things that you did not due and then try to use it as leverage to win you and make you stay and do what they want you to do. 

They will become the victim and play victim while victim blaming you and make everything some how your fault. Do not fall for this it will become catastrophe and you cannot fix this. It only gets worst and you will end up getting hurt in the process and its not worth it.

Once you can see how the person is moving and repeating it gets old and you end up wanting something  new. Trust me, loving a toxic person and begging them to be a decent human and love you the way you need to be loved gets old, hell begging a person in general gets old. 

You end up cutting them off eventually and then you feel bad or they sweet talk you into a place that you don't want to be in again and again because the way they word their words and then everything falls apart as you try to fix it and then you end up getting hurt and shying away from them more and more until you get the courage to just up and leave because you realize its not what you want anymore and they are not the one you want to be with because of all the times they showed you what they are doing.

 They don't love you they are only using you.

It is time for something new and a new journey at that one.